239  &  "ill  HUDSOX  ST., 

>i.posite  I'.roome  St.,N.  Y. 


470 


r^^ 


Josh  Billings  at  home. — Preparing  Ms  new  Lecture. 


JOSH   BILLINGS, 


IB 


S. 


WITH     COMIC     ILLUSTRATIONS. 


NEW    YORK: 
Carlelon,  Publisher,  Madison  Square, 

LONDON:  S.  LOW,  SON  &  CO. 
M  DCCC  LXX. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  tlie  year  1865,  by 
G.   W.   CARLETOX, 

Id  tlie  Clerk's  Office  ol  the  District  Com  t  of   the  Soutborn  District  at 

New  York 


TO 

DEAKON  URIAH  BILLINGS, 

(A  man  ov  menny  virtues,  and  sum  vices)  this  book 

iz  completely  dedikateJ  —  and  may  he  hav 

the  strength  tew  stand  it. 

Hiz  own  nephew, 

JOSHUA  BILLINGS 


Tred  litely,  dear  reader,  for  the  .  iz  ruff.  This  book  wa« 
got  up  tew  sell,  but  if  it  don't  prove  tew  be  a  sell,  I  shan't 
worry  about  it. 

J.  Bn.LTNGS. 


CONTENTS. 


Page. 

1.  JOSH   BILLINGS   OX   THE   MULE.                .            .              13 

II.  JOSH   BILLINGS   INSURES   HIS  LIFE.               .            .      15 

m.      REJIARKS. 17 

IV.  ANSWERS   TO   CORRESPONDENTS.        .            .            .19 

V.      A   TABLOWS  IN   4   ACKS 22 

VI.  FEJIALE   EDDIKLVSHUX.                   .            .            .            .25 

vn.     DErozETiONS.  28 

VIU.      WAR   AND   ARMY   PHRAZE8 31 

IX.  PASIIUNCE   OV  JOB.                   .            .           ,            ,             34 

X.      FRIENDLY   LETTER. 35 

XI.      AFFUIUSIMS. 37 

Xn.      JOSH   BILLINGS   ON   CATS 40 

Xin.      REMARKS. 43 

XTV.  JOSH   BILLINGS   ADDRESSES   THE  BELUNGSVILLE 

SOWING  SOSIETY.               ....  45 

XV.      NOSHUNS 47 

XVI.     satltns 51 

xvu.     remarks .53 

XVIII.  THE   devil's    PUTTY   AND   VARNISH.      .            .             56 


X  CONTENTS. 

Page. 

XrX.      M^USriFEST   DESTIKY 59 

XX.  ANSWERS   TO  CONTRIBUTORS.              .           .            62 

XXI.      ON  DOGS. 64 

XXII.  SAYINGS   OF   JOSH   BILLINGS.                .            .             67 

XXin.      FASHION.  7G 

XXIV.      REMARKS.   ' 73 

XXV.      PR0VERBL4X  PIG 75 

XXVI.      PROVERBS 77 

XXVn.  ANSWERS   TO   CORRESPONDENTS.              .            .      79 

XXVrn.  PROVERBS   OF   THE   BH.LINGS  YA^OLY.       .            82 

XXrX.      A  FU  REJIARKS. 85 

XXX.  A  LEKTURE  TEW  JLVLE  YUNG  JIEN  ONLY.               87 

XXXI.      CLEVER  FELLOWS 90 

XXXn.      AFFERISIMS 92 

XXXni.  ANSWERS   TO   CONTRIBUTORS.        .            .            .94 

XXXXV.  A   SHORT  AND   A'^ERY  AFFEKTING   ESSA 

ON  :tfAN 97 

XXXV.      THE   RASE   KOARSE 100 

XXXVI.  "  GIV   THE   DEVTL  HIZ   DUE."             .            .          106 

xxxvrr.     watch  dogs 108 

xxxvni.  answers  to  contributors.     .     .        .       110 

XXXIX.      REM.iRKS. 113 

XL.  AN  ESSA   ONTO   MUSIK.                 .            .            .117 

XLI.  "  MAN  WAZ   MADE   TEW   MOURN."           .            .    120 

XLH.      PROVERBS 122 


CONTENTS.  xi 

Paga 

YT.TTT  KISSING  CONSIDERED 121 

XLTV.  FOR  A  FU  JirNNITS  A5I0XG  THE  SPEERITS.  .    128 

XLV.  SAYIXGS. 131 

xiAn.  josn  GOES  to  long  br^vxch.      .        .        .  133 

XLVn.  TO   Jir  LADY  CORRESPONDENTS.  .  .  137 

XLYIU.  ON  WIDDERS 140 

XilX.  THINGS    THAT    I    DON'T    HANKER    AFTER 

TO   SEE. 143 

I,.  ON  COURTING. 145 

IJ.  REMARKS 149 

tn.  THE   FAULT   FINDER.  ....  152 

Lin,  pro\'t:rbs.  154 

LIV.  KOLIDLN'G 156 

LV.  ON   SNAIKS   AND   JflTDTURKLES.         .  ,  .    167 

L^^.  TRUE   BILLS.     '.  .  _        .  .  ,  ,  161 

L-NTI.  NARRATIF.  163 

L^^^.  photographs. 167 

LIX.  AFFERISIMS. 169 

LX.  JOSH   GITS   ORFUIXT  BIT.  ,  ,  .  172 

LXI.  THINGS   THAT   SUIT  MK 174 

LXII.  MY  FIRST   GONG 176 

LXHI.  PROVERBS.  178 

LXIV,  DISLPLIN   IZ   EA-RATHING IN  2   PARTS.       .  181 

LXV  CORRESPONDENTS. 183 

LXVI.  JOSH   BILLINGS   AT   SARATOGi    SPRINGS.        ,  186 


Xll  CONTENTS. 

Paga 

LXVn.  NOT   EXXY   SHA^TGIU   FOR   ME.        .            .            .    189 

LXVm.  IS  DISPOSING  OF  THINGS  FOR  CHARITA- 
BLE PURPOSES  BI   "lot"  a  SIX.          .          191 

LXTS.  AD\'ERTIZEJIENT.            .            .            .            .            .19? 

LXX.      OUT  WEST 196 

LXXI.      SAYINS 198 

LXXn.  A   WIJEVIIN'S   LEAGl^E   MEETIN.            .            .          200 

rXXm.  A  TRUE  FISH   STORY  FOUNDED   ON   FAK.         .    203 

LXXIV.  AT   SARATOGA  SPRINGS.                .            .            .           205 

LXXV.  SPIRITUAL  BELIEF   OV   THE   BILLINGSE3.         .    208 

LXXVI.  JOSH    BILLINGS     CORRESPONDS    WITH   A 

"  HAIR  OIL  AND  VEGETABLE  BITTERS  MAN."    209 
IXXVn.      PROVERBS 213 

ucx^vrn.  domestik  receipts  in  full.     .        .        .216 

LXXIX.      FAKS 218 

LXXX.      ON   LECTURES 219 

LXXXI.  Y.OCICEE   NOSHUNS.              ....          222 

LXXXII.  ATTENTION  !    SQUAD  !                ....    224 

tXXXin.  THE   FUST   BABY.                  ....          226 

I.XXXIV.      LAUGHING. 228 

LXXXV.  PIONEERS.         ......           221) 


JOSH    BILLINGS. 
I. 

JOSH  BILLINGS  ON  THE  MULE. 

The  mule  is  haf  boss,  and  haf  JackasS;  and  then 
kums  tu  a  full  stop,  natur  diskovering  her  mistake. 
Tha  weigh  more,  akordin  tu  their  heft,  than  enny 
other  kreetur,  except  a  crowbar.  Tha  kant  hear 
enny  quicker,  nor  'further  than  the  hoss,  yet  iheir 
ears  are  big  enuff  for  snow  shoes.  You  kan  trust 
them  with  enny  one  whose  life  aint  worth  enny 
more  than  the  mules.  The  only  wa  tu  keep  them 
into  a  paster,  is  tu  turn  them  into  a  medder  'jineing, 
and  let  them  jump  out.  Tha  are  reddy  for  use, 
just  as  soon  as  they  will  du  tu  abuse.  Tha  haint 
got  enny  friends,  and  will  live  on  huckel  berry 
brush,  with  an  ockasional  chanse  at  Kanada  thissels. 
Tha  are  a  modern  invenshun,  i  dont  think  the  Bi- 
ble deludes  tu  them  at  tall.  Tha  sel  for  more 
money  than  enny  other  domestik  animile.  Yu 
kant  tell  their  age  by  looking  into  their  mouth, 
enny    more    than   you    kould  a   Mexican    cannons. 


14  JOSri    BILLINGS. 

Tha  never  hav  no  dissease  that  a  good  club  wont 
heal.  If  tha  ever  die  tha  must  hum  rite  tu  life 
agin,  for  i  never  herd  nobody  sa  "  ded  mule."  Tha 
arc  like  sura  men,  very  korrupt  at  harte  ;  ive  known 
thera  tu  be  good  mules  for  6  months,  just  tu  git  a 
good  chanse  to  kick  sumbodj.  I  never  owned  one, 
nor  never  mean  to,  unless  there  is  a  United  Staits 
law  passed,  requiring  it.  The  only  reason  why 
tha  are  pashunt,  is  bekause  tha  are  ashamed  ov 
themselfs.  I  have  seen  eddikated  mules  in  a  sirkus. 
Tha  kould  kick,  and  bite,  treroenjis.  I  would  not 
sa  what  I  am  forced  tu  sa  again  the  mule,  if  his 
birth  want  an  outrage,  and  man  want  tu  blame  for 
it.  Enny  man  who  is  willing  tu  drive  a  mule, 
ought  to  be  exempt  by  law  from  running  for  the 
leojislatur.  Tha  are  the  strongest  creeturs  on  earth, 
and  heaviest,  ackording  tu  their  sise ;  I  herd  tell 
ov  one  who  fell  oph  from  the  tow  path,  on  the  Eri 
kanawl,  and  sunk  as  soon  as  ha  touched  bottom,  but 
he  kept  rite  on  towing  the  boat  tu  the  nex  stashun, 
breathing  thru  his  ears,  which  stuck  out  ov  the  wa- 
ter about  2  feet  6  inches  ;  i  did'nt  see  this  did,  but 
an  auctioneer  told  me  ov  it,  and  i  never  knew  an 
auctioneer  tu  lie  unless  it  was  absolutely  convenient. 


n. 

JOSH  BILLINGS  INSURES  HIS  LIFE. 

I  kum  to  the  conclusion,  lately,  that  life  waz  so 
onsartin,  that  the  only  wa  for  me  tu  stand  a  fair 
chance  with  other  folks,  was  to  git  my  life  insured, 
and  so  i  kalled  on  the  Agent  of  the  "  Garden  Angel 
life  insurance  Co.,"  and  answered  the  following 
questions,  which  waz  put  tu  me  over  the  top  ov  a 
pair  of  goold  specks,  by  a  slik  little  fat  old  feller, 
with  a  little  round  gray  head,  and  az  pretty  a  little 
belly  on  him  az  enny  man  ever  owned  :  — 

QUESTIONS, 

1st — Are  yu  mail  or  femail  ?  if  so,  Pleze  state 
how  long  you  have  been  so. 

2d — Are  yu  subjec  tu  fits,  and  if  so,  do  yu  hav 
more  than  one  at  a  time  ? 

3d— What  is  yure  precise  fiteing  weight? 

4th — Did  yu  ever  have  enny  ancestors,  and  if 
BO,  how  much  ? 


16  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

5th — What  iz  yure  legal  opinion  ov  the  consti- 
tutionality ov  the  10  commandments  ! 

6th — Du  ju  ever  hav  ennj  nite  mares  ? 

7th — Are  you  married  and  single,  or  are  yu  a 
Bachelor  ? 

8th  —  Do  yu  beleave  in  a  futer  state  ?  if  yu  du, 
state  it. 

9th — What  are  yure  private  sentiments  about  a 
rush  ov  rats  tu  the  head ;  can  it  be  did  success- 
fully ? 

10th — Hav  yu  ever  committed  suiside.  and  if  so, 
how  did  it  seem  to  affect  yu  ? 

After  answering  the  above  questions,  like  a  man 
in  the  confirmatif,  the  slik  little  fat  old  fellow  with 
goold  specks  on,  ced  I  was  insured  for  life,  and 
proberly  would  remain  so  for  a  term  ov  years.  I 
thanked  him,  and  smiled  one  ov  my  moste  pensive 
smiles. 


III. 

REMARKS. 

Tha  tell  me  that  them  who  hav  the  harte  diseaze 
are  liable  tu  di  at  ennj  time,  but  i  hav  known 
thousands  tew  reach  a  mean  old  age  with  it. 

Fust  appearances  are  ced  tu  be  everything.  I 
dont  put  all  mi  fathe  into  this  saying ;  i  think 
oysters  and  klams,  for  instanze,  will  bear  looking 
into. 

It  strains  a  man's  philosophee  the  wust  kind  tew 
laff  when  he  gits  beat. 

Love  aint  one  ov  the  vartues,  bekauze  it  kant  bo 
controlled. 

Wimmin  are  like  flowers,  a  little  dust  ov  squeez- 
ing makes  them  the  more  fragrant. 


18  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

Charitee  kant  alwus  be  administered  delikately. 
If  you  want  to  extrikate  a  crab  from  a  dilemmer, 
yu  hav  got  to  take  holt  ov  him  just  rite. 

Men  liv  tu  a  rijie  old  age  bi  keeping  green. 

Dont  hav  enny  more  sekrets  than  yu  kan  keep 
yureself. 

"  Truth  is  mitey  and  will  preA'ail ;  "  so  iz  cider 
mitey,  but  yu  hav  got  tew  tap  the  barrell  before  it 
will  prevale. 


IV. 

ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

"  Amelia.^^  —  Yure  inquiry,  about  the  raoste 
best  time  tu  marry,  dus  yu  grate  credit,  it  iz  a  sub- 
ject which  i  hav  swet  over  a  good  deal,  and  i  am 
real  glad  you  spoke  about  it,  mi  spase  wont  allow 
me  tu  go  into  the  thing,  clean  up  to  the  hub,  az  i 
wud  like  tu,  but  in  a  few  wurds,  i  w^ill  sa,  i  hav 
alwus  considered  cool  weather,  the  moste  best  time. 

"  FredJ^  —  Yu  aint  obliged  tu  ask  a  gals  moth- 
er, if  yu  ma  go  home  with  her  from  a  partee,  git 
the  gals  endorsement,  and  sale  in  ;  it  iz  proper 
enufF  tu  ask  her  tu  take  yure  arm,  but  you  haint 
got  no  rite  tu  put  yure  arm  around  her  waste,  un- 
less yu  meet  a  Bear  on  the  rode,  and  then  yu  aro 
bound  tu  take  yure  arm  away,  just  az  soon  az  the 
Bear  gits  safely  by. 


20  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

"  Whip^  — Yu  are  rite.  Mules  live  tu  along 
age,  iv'e  knoVn  them  miself,  tu  live  TOO  years,  and 
not  half  tri.  Yu  are  rite  also,  about  their  being 
Bure  footed,  iv'e  known  them  tu  kick  a  man,  twise 
in  a  sekund.  10  feet  oph. 

^•Gertrude."' — Yure  inquiry  stumps  me,  the 
darndest.  The  more  i  think  on  it,  the  more  i  kant 
tell.  Az  near  az  i  kan  rekolek  now,  i  think  i  dont 
kno.  Much  mite  be  ced  both  ways,  and  neether  wa 
be  rite.  Upon  the  whole  i  rather  reckon  i  wud,  or 
i  wuddent,  jist  az  i  thought  best,  or  otherwise. 

"  Plutarkr  —  Yu'are  mistaken,  the  Shakers 
dont  marry.  If  young  Shakers  fall  in  luv  tha  are 
sot  tu  weeding  onions,  and  that  kures  them  forth- 
"withly.  I  kant  tell  yu  now,  how  much  it  dus  kost 
tu  jine  the  Shakers  but  i  beleave  the  expenze  used 
tu  be,  inkluding  having  yure  hair  cut  and  larning 
how  tu  danse,  about  $65,00.  I  disreckoleckt  what 
their  religun  iz,  but  if  mi  memry  sarves  me  rite,  it 
iz  making  almitey  good  brooms,  and  sellin  devilish 
poor  grape  cuttings,  for  75  cents  a  foot. 

"  Sjjortsfficmy — Yure  inquiry  iz  not  edzackly  in 


ANSWERS   TO    CO-RESPONDENTS.  21 

mi  line,  but  i  haste  tu  repli,  as  follers,  to  wit : 
The  rite  length  tu  cut  oph  a  clog's  tale  haz  never 
yet  bin  fully  diskovered,  but  iz  undoubtedly  somc- 
whare  bale  ov  hiz  ears,  provided  yu  git  the  dog's 
consent.  N.  B. —  It  aint  absolutely  necessara  the 
door's  consent  should  be  in  riteincr. 

"  Katey —  I  think  Lord  Biron  waz  the  author 
ov  the  lines  yu  speke  ov;  'twas  either  him  or  'twas 
Captain  Kid,  one  or  tother.  Biron  waz  dredful 
limber  at  riteing  potri,  so  waz  Kidd,  but  Biron  waz 
the  limberest. 


V. 
A  TABLOWS  IN  4  ACKS 

Ack  Fust. —  Entei'  a  lap  dorg,  carrying  a  board- 
ing skool  miss  in  his  arms,  about  16  hands  high  — ■ 
it  makes  the  dorg  puff — the  dorg  lays  down  the 
boarding  skool  miss,  and  orders  mint  juleks  for  2, 
^vith  the  usual  sucksliun.  The  doro;  be^^ins  tew  loll, 
the  boarding  skool  miss  tells  him  •'  tew  dri  up,"  (in 
French,)  and  the  dorg  sez  "  he  be  darned  if  he 
uill,"  (in  Dorg.)  [Grate  sensashun  among  the 
awjence,  with  cries,  ■'  put  him  out !  "]  Finally  a 
compromize  iz  affected,  the  boarding  skool  miss  kiss- 
es the  dorg,  with  tears  in  his  eyes.  Konlusion  — 
Lap  dorg  diskovers  a  wicked  flee  at  work  on  his  tale 
—  pursues  him  —  round  and  round  tha  go  —  dorg 
a  leettle  ahead  —  sumbody  hollers  out,  "'mad 
doro; !  "  —  boardino;  skool  "-irl  faints  standing  —  tiic 
eurtin  drops. 

Ack  immher  2. — Curtin  highsts  —  sevral  blind 
men  in  the  distanse,  looking  thru  a  key  whole  —  ona 


A    TABLOW    IN   4    ACK3.  23 

ov  them  sez,  "  he  don't  see  it  !  "'  A  shanghi  ruse- 
ter  cums  out.  with  epaulets  on,  and  crows  Yankee 
Doodle  —  musik  bi  the  band.  The  shanghi  lays  an 
"^  egg  on  the  stage,  about  the  size  ov  a  wasps  nest, 
and  then  limps  oph,  very  much  tired  and  redused, 
Curtin  falls  agin. 

Ack  numhpr  3. — Curtin  rizes  sloly  —  big  bolona 
sarsage  on  a  tabel  —  bolona  sarsage  lifts  up  her  bed, 
and  begins  tew  bark  —  band  plays  "Old  Dorg 
Tray."  Cat  cums  in  —  cat's  tail  begins  tew  swell 
bad  —  bolona  sarsage  and  cat  haz  a  fite  —  tha  fite 
14  rounds  —  the  stage  iz  covered  with  cats  and 
dorgs.  Konlusion  —  tha  awl  jine  hands,  and  walk  tew 
the  foot  lights  — an  old  Bull  Tarrier  reads  the  Pres- 
ident's call  for  '•'  300  000  more  "  —  band  plays  "  Go 
in  Lemons  !  "  —  a  bell  rings,  and  the  curtin  drops." 

Ack  number  4. — A  scene  on  the  Eri  kanall  —  a 
terribel  storm  rages  —  the  kanall  acks  bad  —  sevral 
line  botes  go  down  bed  fust,  with  awl  their  boarders 
on  board  —  kant  make  a  lee  shore  — tha  drag  their 
ankers  —  sum  ov  the  kaptins  tri  tew  pra,  but  moste 
ov  them  hav  the  best  luck  at  swareing —  the  water 
iz  strewd  with  pots  and  kittles  —  sevral  ov  the  cook 
maids  swim  ashore,  with  their  cook  stoves  in  their 
teeth  —  tha  hav  tew  draw  oph  the  kanal  tew  stop 


24  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

the  storm.  Konlusion  —  men  are  seen  along  on 
the  banks  ov  the  kanall  spearing  ded  bosses  and  eels 
—  band  plays  "a  life  on  the  oshun  wave."  Amid 
tremduous  applauze  the  curtin  falls,  and  the  awjence 
digperce,  single  file. 


,w  ^ 


VI 

FEMALE  EDDIKASHUN. 

Thare  iz  so  mutch  ced  about  the  importanzo  ov 
female  eddikashun,  now  a  daze,  that  a  near-siglited 
person  wud  suppoze  that  wimmin,  was  running  tu 
waist.  The  more  that  wimmin  ar  elevated,  the 
more  men  ar  histed  up  too,  so  tha  sa,  and  them  who 
maik  this  statement,  ain't  fur  from  out  ov  the  wa 
fur  men  hav  bin  clus  after  the  wimmin,  ever  sinse 
humin  beins  waz  perpetrated.  Dear  reader,  dear, 
don't  be  maid  a  fool  uv,  by  bcleaving  for  the  space 
ov  a  half-grown  seckond,  that  Josh  Billings,  (more 
properly  Joshua  Billings,  Esq.,)  don't  love,  respeck, 
adore,  and  worship  the  sex,  and  ain't  willing  tu  fite, 
even  with  the  belly-ake  onto  him,  two  hundred 
pounds  ov  any  kind  ov  man,  in  behalf  ov  euny  var- 
tuous,  and  worthy,  or  even  good-looking  woman. 

I  beleave  in  femail  eddikashun,  clear  up  tu  the 
handle,  provided  the  woman  hankers  for  it,  but  if 


26  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

she  don't  hanker  for  it,  i  kant  see  whj  she  shud  ba 
histed  up  into  a  posishun,  where  men  has  got  to 
cease  luving  her,  just  in  proposhun  az  tha  are  asked 
to  wonder  at  her.  Tha  tell  us  that  thare  aint  ennj^ 
posishun  that  man  kan  fill,  but  what  wimmin  kan 
fill  it  tu ;  but  iz  that  enny  reson  why  it  iz  best  to 
prove  it.  I  haven't  enny  doubt,  that  you  could 
eddicate  wimmin  so  muchly,  that  tha  wouldn't  kno 
enny  more  about  getting  dinner,  than  sum  ministers 
ov  "the  gospil  kno  about  preaching,  and  while  tha 
mite  translate  one  ov  Virgils  ecklogs  tu  a  spot,  tha 
couldn't  translate  a  baby  out  ov  a  kradle,  without 
letting  it  cum  apart. 

I  hold  that  natur  haz  its  laws  and  programmy,  all 
the  wa  down,  from  the  biling  over  ov  a  volkano  tu 
the  wiggle  ov  a  lam's  tale. —  Suppose  you  shud 
take  100  yung  injuns  and  eddikate  them  tu  the 
highest  pint,  and  then  turn  them  luce  !  95  ov  them 
wud  throw  a  blanket  ontu  their  shoulders,  bid  fair- 
well  tu  civilizashun,  and  dive  intu  the  wildnerness ; 
the  uther  5  wud  wander  about  among  the  pail  faces, 
iz  far  from  hum  az  a  BufFerlo  wud  be  among  a  herd 
ov  short  tailed  durhams.  I  believe  in  femail  eddi- 
kashun,  but  i  had  ruther  a  woman  cud  beet  me 
nussing  a  baby  than  tu  feel  that  she  cud  beet  me  or 


FEMALE    EDDIKASHUN,  27 

enny  other  man  in  a  stump  speech  cr  a  lektur  on 
veteranara  praktiss. 

If  Billings  understands  human  natur,  and  he 
thinks  he  duz,  thare  aint  nothing  that  a  true  ■woman 
luvs  more  than  the  ho^e  ov  a  man's  harte ;  and,  in 
order  tu  git  this,  she  haz  got  tu  kno  less  than  he 
duz,  or  maik  him  think  so.  I  thank  the  lord  that 
thare  aint  menny  wimmin  in  the  wurld  who  want 
tu  know  evry  thing.  I  kalkerlate  that  9  out  ov 
evry  10  ov  the  wimmin  who  luv  their  huzbands  and 
glory  in  their  children,  will  sa  that  tha  had  ruther 
be  looked  down  upon  in  luving  tenderniss  than  tu  be 
looked  up  tu  in  silent  aw. 

If  Josh  Billings  haz  ced  a  wurd,  in  what  he  haz 
now  rit,  wich  iz  kalkulated  tu  damp  the  arder  ov 
one  single  aspirin'  woman,  he  iz  reddy  tu  shed  tears, 
but  i  hav  alwus  thort  that  the  very  highly  eddikated 
wimmin  work  best  in  single  harniss.  In  konklusion, 
i  sa,  elevate  the  wimmin,  but  if  their  beds  and  their 
hartes  bekum  antagonicks  in  the  operashun,  i  shall 
continner  tu  think  that  luv.  swapped  for  wizdom,  iz 
a  doutful  gain  to  the  wimmin  and  a  pozatif  loss  to 
us  poor  mail-claid  devils.  Mi  christian  friends, 
ajew  ! 


VIII. 

DEPOZETIONS. 

Josh  Billings  being  duly  sworn  deposes  as  follows , 

That,  John  Brown  haz  halted  a  fu  days  for  re- 
freshment. 

That,  moste  men  had  ruther  sa  a  smart  thing  than 
tew  dew  a  good  one. 

That,  baksliding  iz  a  big  thing,  espeshila  on  ice. 

That,  a  live  traitor  smells  wuss  than  a  ded  one. 

That,  there  iz  2  things  in  this  life  for  which  we 
are  never  fully  prepared,  and  that  iz  twins. 

That,    yu  kant   judge   a   man   bi   hiz    religgun 


DEPOZETIONS.  29 

eny  more  than  yu  kan  judge  hiz  shurt  bi  the  size  ov 
the  collar  and  ristbands. 

That,  the  devil  iz  alwus  prepared  tew  see  kom- 

That,  it  iz  treating  a  man  like  a  dog  tew  cut  him 
oph  short  in  hiz  narrative. 

That,  "  ignoranse  iz  bliss,"  ignoranse  of  sawing 
■wood,  for  instanse. 

That,  mennj  will  fale  tew  be  saved  simpla  be- 
kause  tha  haint  got  ennjthing  tew  saive. 

That,  the  vartues  ov  woman  are  awl  her  own,  but 

her  frailities  hav  bin  taught  her. 


That,  dry  pastors  are  the  best  for  flocks ;  flocks  ov 
sheep  i  mean. 

That,  men  ov  genius  are  like  eagles,  tha  live  on 
what  tha  kill,  while  men  ov  talents  are  like  crows, 
tha  live  on  what  haz  bin  killed  for  them. 


80  ■  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

That,  some  peoples  are  fond  ov  bragging  about 
tbeir  ansesstors,  and  their  grate  descent,  when  in 
fack,  their  grate  descent  iz  jist  what's  the  matter 
ov  them. 

That,  a  woman  kant  keep  a  aekret  nor  let  enny- 
bodj  else  keep  one. 

That,  "  a  little  laming  iz  a  dangerous  thing ;  this 
iz  az-tru  az  it  iz  common. 

That,  sider  brandee  taken  inwardly  in  large  quan- 
titys  iz  good  —  for  a  rat  hole. 

That,  a  grate  menny  folks  have  bin  eddikated 
oph  from  their  feet. 


VIII. 

WAR  AND  ARMY  PHRAZES. 

*'  A  suckcessful  Rade," — cutting  oph  a  turnpike 
vithin  the  enama's  lines,  and  bringing  in  a  blind 
mule,  and  2  niggers  tu  board. 

"Reserv'd  Korps," — this  i  take  it  means  our 
ophisers ;  who  die  at  the  tavern  stands,  and  are 
stuffed,  and  cent  home  tu  berry. 

"  Bace  of  supplize," — Unkle  Samuel's  pocket- 
Book. 

"  Pickitts," — these  are  surplus  chaps,  who  ar 
cent  out  tu  borry  turbacker,  and  to  see  if  the  kussed 
rebels  hav  got  enny  pass. 

"  An  Armstise," — giving  the  enema  tu  chances 
tu  git  licked  instead  ov  one. 


32  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

"  Militara  Stratergee," — trying  to  reduse  a  swamp 
bj  ketching  the  biljus  fever  out  ov  it. 

"Lite  Hoss  Calvary," — picked  men  who  ride  tho 
bosses  tu  drink,  when  tha  git  thin. 

"  Rekrutin  Opbisers," — individuals  who  are  cent 
into  the  rural  destriks,  on  a  furlong,  to  rekrute  — 
themselfs. 

"  Armee  Rashuns," — back  pay,  and  preserved 
beef! 

"  Quartring  on  the  enemee,"  this  phraze  is  de- 
funkted,  bekaze  its  contraree  tu  Hoyle. 

"  War  Hoops," — jist  the  things  fur  a  hot  da,  the 
injuns  used  tu  hav  them. 

"  Corte  Marshall," — where  tha  tri  the  misdeme- 
ners  out  ov  an  ophiser,  so  that  he'll  du  to  promoat. 

"  Forage  Partee," — Them  who  goes  out  to  kech 
a  hastack,  and  gits  lost  in  a  forage  ov  treeze  and 
haint  been  herd  from  sinse. 


WAR   AND   ARMY   PHRASES.  33 

"  On  tu  Richmond," — that's  tu  sa  if  the  kussed 
rebels  will  allow  it. 

*'  Parralel  lines," — are  them  kind  of  lines  that 
never  cum  together. 

"Militara  necessita," — ten  ophisers  and  a  gallon 
ov  whiski  to  every  three  privates. 

"  Onluce  the  dogs  ov  war ;  " — but  muzzle  the 
Jarn  kritters;  if  you  don't,  somebody  will  get  hurt. 

"  War  of  Exterminashun," — this  fraze  belongs 
holey  tu  the  Kommissara  Department. 

"  Advance  Gard," — this  is  a  gard  tha  hav  tu  hav 
in  our  army  tu  keep  ^r  fellers  from  pichin  in  tu 
the  enema  frontwards. 

"  Rere  Gard," — this  is  a  gard  that  hav  tu  keep 
our  fellers,  when  tha  are  surrounded  from  pitching 
intu  the  enema  backwards. 

"  Awl   quiet   on   the    Poterrauck," — this   shows 
what  perfect  subjekshun  our  fellers  are  under. 
2* 


IX 

PASHUNCE  OV  JOB. 

Evryboddj  iz  in  the  habit  ov  bragging  on  Job, 
and  Job  did  hav  konsiderable  bile  pashunce,  that's 
a  fac,  but  did  he  ever  keep  a  distrik  skule  for  8  dol- 
lars a  month,  and  horde  'round  ?  Did  he  ever  reap 
lodged  oats  down  hill  in  a  hot  da,  and  hav  all  hiz 
gallus  buttons  bust  oph  at  once  ?  Did  he  ever  hav 
the  jumpin  teethake,  and  be  made  tu  tend  baby 
while  hiz  wife  was  over  tu  Perkinses  tu  a  teasquall? 
Did  he  ever  git  up  in  the  morning  awful  dri  and 
turf  it  3  miles  befoar  brekfast  tu  git  a  drink,  and 
find  that  the  man  kep  a  tempranse  hous  ?  Did  he 
ever  undertaik  tu  milk  a  kicking  hefer  with  a  bushy 
tail,  in  fli  time,  out  in  the  lot?  Did  he  ever  sot 
down  onto  a  litter  ov  kittens  in  the  old  rockin  cheer, 
"wiih  hiz  summer  pantyloons  on  without  saing  "  dam- 
nashun  !  "  If  he  cud  du  all  theze  things,  and  praze 
the  Lord  at  the  same  time,  all  i  hav  got  tu  sa,  iz, 
Bully  fof  Job  ! 


X. 

FRIENDLY  LETTER. 

Friend  Elias  : — You  ask  me  menny  questions 
about  the  draft  that  bothers  me.  It  iz  curis  how  it 
duz  act,  but  it  waz  jist  so  in  scripter  times,  ''  2  wim- 
min  waz  at  a  mill  a  grinding  (corn  i  reckon),  one 
waz  took,  and  t'other  want  took."  There  aint  enny 
dout  but  the  draft  iz  for  3  years,  or  thereabouts,  but 
i  think  a  person  would  hav  a  rite  to  sell  out  hiz 
chanse  at  enny  time  during  the  3  years,  or  therea- 
bouts, for  a  premium,  provided  he  could  show  tu 
the  government  that  he  waz  conscientzly  oppozed  tu 
hard  tak  and  bilyus  fever. 

Again  :  Alejens  aint  liable  for  the  draft,  espesh- 
ila  if  tha  cum  from  the  city  ov  Ireland,  and  hav  bin 
in  the  habit,  for  the  laste  5  years,  ov  voting  the 
democratic  ticket. 

Againly  :  Widder-wimmin,  and  their  only  son  iz 
exempt,  provided  the  widder's  husband  haz  alreddy 


36  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

sarved  2  years  in  the  war,  and  iz  willing  tu  go  agin  , 
i  beleave  the  supreme  corte  haz  desided  this  thing 
forever. 

Onse  more :    If  a  drafted  man  shud  run  awa  with 

hiz  draft,  he  proberlj  wouldn't  ever  be  allowed  to 

stand  a  draft  agin,  this  looks  severe  at  fust  site,  but 

the  more  yu  look  at  it,  the  more  yu  can  see  the 

'wisdom  into  it. 

Onse  morely  :  Xempts  are  thoze  who  hav  bin 
drafted  into  the  stait  prizzen,  for  triing  tu  git  an 
honest  living  bi  supporting  2  wives  at  onst ;  also, 
all  them  people  who  are  crazee,  and  unsound  on  the 
goose  ;  also,  all  nusepaper  korrespondents  and  fools 
in  general. 

Onse  morely  again  :  No  substidude  will  be  ack- 
septed,  who  iz  less  than  3,  or  more  than  10  feet 
high,  he  must  know  how  to  chaw  terbacker  and 
drink  whiskee,  and  must'nt  be  afeered  ov  the  itch 
nor  the  rebels.  Moral  Karakter  aint  required,  the 
government  furnishes  that,  and  rashuns. 

Conclusively  :  No  parson  kan  be  drafted  but  twice 
in  2  different  plases  without  hiz  consent,  but  awl 
men  haz  a  rite  tu  be  drafted  at  least  onst ;  i  don't 
think  even  a  rit  ov  habus  corpus  could  deprive  a 
man  ov  this  laste,  blessed  privlege. 


XL 

AFFURISMS. 

Truth  iz  the  onla  thing  I  kno  ov  that  kant  be 
improved  upon. 

If  yu  want  tew  git  a  sure  krop,  and  a  big  yield 
for  the  seed,  sow  wilde  oats. 

An  insult  tew  one  man  iz  an  insult  tew  aul  men. 

Cunning  is  curiosity  satisfied,  and  curiosity  satis- 
fied iz  wisdom. 

Wize  men  doi4,'t  expeck  tu  do  away  with  the  visiji- 
tudes  ov  life,  they  onla  expeck  tew  blunt  the  ec^ge 
ov  them. 

Yu  kan  gorge  avaris,  but  ambishun  knows  no 
gorge  but  the  grave. 

A  sarkastic  wit  iz  a  kind  ov  human  pole-cat. 


38  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

If  thare  is  enny  thiug  on  this  arth  that  angels 
kant  imitate  'tis  a  vartuous  yung  man  trampling 
temtashun  under  hiz  feet. 

I  had  rather  be  a  reseiver  ov  stolen  goods  than 
the  keeper  ov  men's  sekrets. 

Fame  iz  jist  about  az  mutch  use  tew  a  ded  man 

as  5.20's  wud  be,  interest  payable  in  goold. 

Sum  people  hav  the  power  ov  saing  a  good  deal 
in  a  fu  words,  while  others  hav  the  power  ov  saing 
a  little  in  a  good  menny  wurds. 

Slander  iz  played  on  a  tin  horn,  while  truth  steals 
forth  like  the  dicing  song  ov  a  lute. 

Yu  kan  judge  ov  sum  men's  karakters  onla  bi 
what  they  eat  and  drink. 


"  Truth  iz  stranger  than  ficshun"  — that  iz  tew 
Bum  folks. 


I  hav  found  a  grate  menny  things  in  this  wurld 
that  waz/ree  —  free  az  a  well  tew  git  jnto,  but  like 
a  rat  trap,  not  edzackly  free  tu  git  out  o\ 


AFFURISMS.  39 

"  Meet  me  bi  moonlite  alone,"  iz  awl  well  enufF 
under  sum  circumstances ;  but  moonlite  me  for  meat 
alone,  iz  not  so  well  ennuff,  under  enny  circumstances. 

I  don't  kno  ov  but  one  thing  on  arth  that  kan 
improve  a  good  wife,  and  that  iz  buty. 

After  you  hav  made  up  yure  mind  jist  what  you 
are  going  to  du,  then  iz  a  good  time  tew  dew  it. 

We  often  hear  ov  men,  who  hav  cum  within  an 
inch  ov  dicing,  and  i  haint  enny  dout  thare  iz  sum, 
that  evry  boddy  wuld  lik  tew  hear  had  cum  within 
an  inch  ov  bein  born. 

"  The  lapse  ov  ages,"  iz  a  pleasant  thing  tew 
dwell  upon,  but  after  awl,  verry  mutch  depends 
upon  the  ages  ov  the  laps. 

It  iz  not  differkult  tew  find  augers  that  wont  bore, 
but  yu  seldom  cum  across  a  bore  that  wont  auger. 

"  Faith  that  iz  founded  on  an  arnest  and  truthful 
convickshun,  iz  butiful  tu  behold ;  but  faith  that  iz 
founded  simpla  on  courage,  aint  enny  thing  more 
than  good  grit. 


XII. 

JOSH  BILLINGS  ON  CATS. 

I  hav  studdyed  cats  clussly  for  years,  and  hav  found 
them  adikted  tew  a  wild  state.  Tha  haint  got  affek 
shun,  nor  vartues  ov  enny  kind,  tha  will  skratch 
their  best  friends,  and  wont  ketch  mice  unless  tha 
are  hungry.  It  haz  bin  sed  that  tha  are  good  tu 
make  up  into  sassages ;  but  this  iz  a  grate  mis- 
take, i  hav  bia  told  bi  a  sassage  maker  that 
tha  dont  kompare  with  dogs.  Thare  is  one  thing 
sartin,  tha  are  verry  anxious  tew  liv,  yu  ma 
turn  one  inside  out,  and  hang  him  up  bi  the  tale, 
and  az  soon  az  yu  are  out  ov  sight,  he  will  manage 
tew  turn  back  summerset  and  cum  around  awl  rite 
in  a  fu  days.  It  iz  verry  hard  wurk  tew  looze  a 
cat.  If  one  gits  carried  oph  in  a  bag  bi  mistake  a 
grate  ways  into  the  kuntry,  tha  wont  sta  lost  onla  a 
short  time,  but  soon  appear  tew  make  the  family 
happy  with  their  presence.      Old  maids  are  very 


Jo?li  Billiugs  on  Cats. — See  page  40. 


JOSH   BILLINGS   ON    CATS.  41 

fond  ov  cats,  for  the  reason  i  suppose  that  cats  never 
marry  if  tha  hav  ever  so  good  a  chanse.  Thare  iss 
one  thing  about  cats  i  dont  like,  if  yu  step  on  their 
tales  by  acksident  tha  git  mad  rite  oph,  and  make  a 
grate  fuss  about  it.  Thare  iz  anutlier  thing  about 
them  which  makes  them  a  good  investment  for  poor 
folks.  A  pair  ov  cats  will  yield  each  year,  without 
any  outlay,  something  like  eight  hundred  per  cat. 
It  iz  a  verry  singular  fack  that  cats  dont  like  a  mill- 
pond,  i  never  knu  one  tew  git  drowned  hi  acksident. 
Tha  luv  cream,  but  it  seems  tew  be  agin  their  relig- 
gun  tew  tutch  soap.  Cats  and  dogs  have  never  bin 
able  tew  agree  on  the  main  question,  tha  both  seem 
t6w  want  the  affirmatiff  side  to  onst.  I  think  if  i 
could  hav  mi  way  thare  wouldn't  be  enny  more  cats 
born  unless  tha  could  sho  a  certifikate  ov  good  moral 
karakter.  Thare  is  one  more  thing  about  cats  which 
5eems  tew  me  tew  be  awl  aifektashun,  and  that  iz 
making  sich  a  devlish  noise  under  a  fellers  window 
nights,  and  then  kail  it  musik.  If  i  waz  tew  hav 
mi  choise  between  a  cat  and  a  striped  snake,  i  would 
take  the  snake  bekause  I  could  git  rid  ov  the  snake 
bi  lotting  him  go.  Thare  aint  no  sartin  wa  tew  kill 
a  cat,  if  yu  git  one  wurked  up  into  sassage,  and  yu 
think  yu  are  awl  right,  jist  az  likely  az  not  tha  will 


42  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

cum  to  and  take  off  a  whole  lot  of  good  sassage  with 
them. — Theze  are  mi  views  about  cats,  rather  hastily 
hove  together,  and  if  i  haint  said  enuff  agin  them  it 
iz  onla  bekause  i  lack  the  informashun. 


XIII. 

REMARKS. 

Impudense  iz  the  affek  ov  tew  little  knollege,  and 
mDdesta,  iz  az  often  the  afiek  ov  tew  mutch. 

We  dont  question  a  persons  rite  tew  be  a  fule, 
but  if  he  klaims  wisdom,  we  kompare  it  with  our 
own. 

Not  one  man  in  a  thousand  iz  known  while  living, 
yet  awl  expeck  tew  be  well  remembered,  when  tha 
are  ded. 

Men  are  very  often  ashamed  tu  tell  the  truth,  be- 
kause  tha  dont  kno  how. 
j 

Moste  ov  the  advise  we  reseave  from  others,  iz  not 
80  mutch  an  evidense  ov  their  affeckshun  for  us,  az 
it  iz  an  evidense  ov  their  affeckshun  for  themselves. 


44  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

Aul  ov  US  komplain  ov  the  shortness  ov  life,  yet 
we  all  waste  more  time  than  we  uze. 

Aboutaz  good  a  wa  az  enny  tew  be  happee,  iz 
tew  pity  thoze  who  are  below  us,  and  forgit  that 
there  iz  enny  boddy  above  us 

Wit  iz  a  pleasant  surprize  ov  Truth. 

No  man  haz  a  rite  tu  be  proud  till  he  bekums  en- 
tirely vartuous.  and  then  he  wont  feel  like  being 
proud. 

The  power  ov  oratory  lays  more  in  the  manner, 
than  in  the  matter ;  yu  kant  reduse  it  tew  riting, 
enny  more  than  yu  kan  pla  a  streak  ov  lightning  on 
a  hand  organ. 

Sum  folks  when  tha  fite,  will  throw  the  fust  brik 
bat  tha  kan  git  hold  ov,  jist  so  sum  folks  will  du 
when  tha  argy. 

EpitafF — here  lies  John  Ferguson,  Esq.,  died 
wurth  half  a  million  —  less  the  kingdom  ov  heaven, 

Avaris  eats  up  all  the  good  things  in  a  man,  and 
then  feeds  on  his  vices. 


XIV. 

JOSH    BILLINGS   ADDRESSES  THE   "FEMAIL 
BILLINGSVILLE  SOWING  SOSIETY." 

Felleu  Sisters  : — When  I  caste  mi  eje  on  a 
sirkle  of  luvelj  wimmin  bizzj  with  their  needles,  mi 
harte  seems  tew  stretch  clean  akross  mi  buzzum. 
And  when  i  reflek  for  a  minnit,  that  tha  are  tew 
work  for  nothing,  and  find  themselfs,  and  that  a  jung 
heathin  stans  reddj  yelping  around  the  corner,  for 
the  very  shirt  tha  are  wurking  on,  it  duz  seem  tu 
me,  that  i  cud  shout  hozzanner  for  3  weeks  on  a 
strech.  Feller  Sisters,  yu  kan  kount  on  Josh  Bil- 
lings az  a  frend ;  he  luves  charitee,  az  a  pup  han- 
kers for  nu  milk;  his  verrynatur  looks  out  onto  the 
horizen  ov  the  poor  folks,  jist  as  the  lite  ov  a  tin 
lantern  shines  akross  a  bog  meddow.  And  he  sees 
the  little  bare  bak  yung  ones  shivering  for  a  krust 
ov  bread,  and  hungry  for  a  shirt ;  then  he  looks  at 
the  Sisters,  a  talking  and  sowing,  and  sowing  and 
talking,  and  he  kounts  a  hole  parcil  ov  little  shirts 


46  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

on  the  tabil,  and  then  he  thinks  ov  the  widders  cruise, 
and  the  bred  hove  onto  the  waters,  menshioned  in 
the  good  Book,  and  he  feels  jist  az  tho  he  vrud  like 
tew  own  awl  the  femail  sowing  sosieties  in  the  wurld 
hisself,  and  put  hiz  hole  fortin  in  the  little  reddy 
made  cottin  shirt  bizziness.  Oh  Charitee  !  Oh  Char- 
tee  !  When  Josh  Billings  communes  with  you,  he 
feals  az  tho  he  had  jist  been  tried  out,  and  sot  awa 
tew  cool.  Feller  Sisters  don't  be  skeered,  let  the 
ritch  and  the  hawty  stik  up  their  nozes,  and  let  the 
eddicated  larf.  Josh  wud  like  no  better  fun  than 
jiss  to  bet  his  9  dollars,  that  enny  Sister,  in  full 
communion  with  this  ere  sowing  sosiety,  who  puts  in 
full  time,  and  cuts  the  cotting  tew  advantage,  wil 
git  her  final  reward.  Tew  konklude,  Feller  Sisters, 
pitch  in;  remember  Mr.  Lots  wife,  she  that  was 
salted  for  looken  bak.  Cum  together  arly,  and  oftin, 
buy  yure  cottin  by  the  pease ;  be  keerful  how  yu 
deal  out  youre  shirts,  for.thare  iz  evry  now  and  then 
a  bogus  heathin.  Stan  hi  yure  konstitushion,  and  hi 
laws,  dew  awl  this,  and  the  "  Femail  Billinorsville 
Sowing  Sosiety  "  will  go  down  tew  futer  prosteritji, 
like  a  wide-awake  torchlite  possession.  I  bid  yu 
tenderla  ajew. 


XV. 

NOSHUNS. 

Yankee  Noshuns. 

In  gazeing  at  the  different  kind  ov  noshuns  that 
prevale  jist  now,  we  are  struck  with  the  vitality,  and 
permiskuousness,  ov  the  Yankee  noshuns.  These 
are  a  kind  ov  noshuns  that  reside  in  Nu  England, 
but  travel  awl  over  the  world.  They  are  for  the 
present  known  az  the  lead  gimblet,  the  basswood 
sperm-kandle,  and  the  sole  leather  juise  harp  noshun, 
relieved  at  times,  by  the  hickory  lossenge,  the  char- 
kole  led  pensil,  and  the  lard  bears  lie  noshun,  and 
okasionally  interlined,  tew  keep  up  the  appetite, 
with  paper  razor  straps,  plaster-paris  sheep  shears, 
and  the  sour  milk  opedeldock  noshun,  which  iz  war- 
ranted tew  kure  the  attack  ov  a  50  cent  shinplaster, 
in  4  scckunds ;  to  which  has  lately  bin  added,  pew- 
ter jak  knives,  with  pork  rhine  handles,  and  itch 
internent,  made  out  ov  strong  butter,  and  lamblak. 
Yankee  noshuns  are  the  affek  ov  tew  mutch  genius. 


48  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

HOSS   NOSHUNS. 

It  iz  really  curis  how  folks  differ  in  their  noshuna 
about  bosses,  sum  wants  a  bob-tailed  boss,  and  sum 
dont,  sum  wants  a  bay,  and  sum  wants  a  yaller,  and 
sum  wants  any  culler  so  bad  that  they  hav  tew  bo 
sent  tew  state  prjzon,  tew  be  healed  ov  their  pashion 
for  the  nobel  animal,  the  boss.  I  knu  ov  one  old 
feller  who  waz  very  noshunal,  he  wouldn't  hav  a 
boss  only  jist  so  high,  he  never  stabled  him,  and  let 
him  git  hiz  own  fodder,  he  kept  him  for  47  years, 
and  the  boss  outlived  him,  the  last  time  I  saw  the 
boss  he  waz  alive,  but  poor  az  wood ;  the  old  feller 
called  the  boss  ''  saw-buck,"  and  sed  he  waz  sired  hi 
carpenter,  out  ov  a  white  ash  skantling.  Ht)ss  no- 
shuns  aire  well  enuff,  but  they  never  ought  tew  be 
allowed  iew  interfere  with  a  man's  final  salvashun. 

Rum  Noshuns. 

Perhaps  tbare  iz  no  subjek  that  moste  men  agree 
on  so  well  bi  the  gallon,  but  when  it  comes  down  tew 
a  drink,  that  they  are  so  full  ov  noshuns  about,  az 
their  rum.  I  hav  seen  lots  ov  old-fashioned  people, 
who  never  thought  ov  drinking  tanzy,  unless  they 


^J 


Josh  Billings  on  trotting  horses. — S&t  page  63. 


NOsnuNS.  49 

put  rum  into  it,  and  wouldn't  no  more  drink  a  gin- 
coktale  without  nutmeg  on  the  top  ov  it,  than  they 
would  skim  milk.  Then  agin  their  iz  sum  who  must 
hav  Jamaka,  or  the  bronkeetis,  one,  or  tuther ;  and 
sum  who  must  hav  the  belly-ake  3  or  4  times  a  day, 
or  they  kant  relish  brandee  and  sugar.  But  thare 
waz  one  beardless  boy,  over  whose  hed  skase  14  sum- 
mers had  melted,  who  beats  them  awl,  he  aktually 
hove  a  fust  class  mint  julek  away,  and  called  for 
anuther,  jist  bekause  it  wouldn't  suk  fast  enuff, 
through  the  straw  ;  I  call  thi^  letting  a  man's  good 
sense  git  the  better  ov  his  judgment.  Rum  nosh  una 
are  like  gitting  struk  with  litening,  the  theory  iz 
well  enuff,  but  the  praktis  is  a  bad  one  tew  git  into. 

Religious  Creed  Noshuns. 

The  idee  that  thare  iz  onla  one  way  tew  git  tew 
Heaven  iz  awl  rong,  but  the  idee  that  there  iz  but 
one  Heaven  tew  git  tew,  iz  awl  right.  Az  a  gineral 
thing  nations  go  tew  war  for  the  most  ornary  things, 
so  men  will  fite  the  wust  kind,  for  a  religious  no- 
shun,  that  they  hain't  got  the  fust  smell  of  I  dont 
care,  for  mi  part,  whether  a  man  iz  a  piscopaleyen, 
or  a  soft  shell  baptiss,  nor  I  don't  think  the  Lord 
8 


50  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

duz  nuther.  Religious  creed  noshuns  for  man,  are 
like  the  scent  the  foxes  leave  for  the  hounds,  the  les3 
thare  iz  ov  it,  the  more  kerful  the  dorg  hunts,  and 
the  less  likelj  he  iz  tew  take  enny  uther  trak. 


XVI. 

SAYINS. 

If  yu  hav  got  a  real  good  wife,  kepe  perfectly 
still,  and  thank  God  evry  twenty  minnitts  for  it. 

A  man  with  one  idee  alwus  put  me  in  mind  ov  an 
old  goose  a  tryin  to  hatch  out  a  pg^ving  stun. 

"  Honesta  is  the  best  polisy,"  but  dont  take  mi 
wurd  for  it,  tri  it. 

Menny  a  book  has  bin  writ,  which  proved  tu  be  an 
obituara  notis  ov  the  author. 

Tha  tells  us  "  that  munny  is  the  rute  ov  all  evil ;  " 
and  then  tell  us  "  tu  rute  hog  or  di." 

A  man  running  for  offiss  puts  me  in  minde  ov  a 
dog  that's  lost  —  he  smells  ov  everybody  ho  meets, 
and  wags  hisself  all  over. 


52  JOSH   BILLINGS 

Look  out,  galls  !  the  Jack  of  hartes  is  alwus  a 
nave. 

Gravity  is  very  often  mistakin  for  •wisdum,  but 
thare  is  as  much  differ  as  thare  is  between  a  gide 
board  and  the  man  who  maid  it. 

Evra  man  has  a  goose  that  lays  golden  eggs,  if  he 
only  Du  it. 


XVII. 

ANSWERS  TO  CONTRIBUTORS. 

"  Lilies  in  a  sleeping  infant^  bi  Alice,"  re- 
ceaved.  Tba  are  tender,  dredful  tender,  almost  tu 
tender,  tu  keep  thru  this  hot  spel ;  yu  hav  talons  ov 
the  highest  order,  but  yu  must  kross  yure  t's,  or  yu 
kant  suckeed  in  portri ;  good  bi  Alice  ! 

"  Reverie  ov  a  Bachelor,"  Anonimous. — Re- 
ceived, and  kontents  noted.  Thare  iz  only  one 
trubble  with  this  produckshun,  which  time  will  cor- 
reckt,  and  that  iz,  "  it  wont  du  at  all  for  our  col- 
lums,"  respekfully  declined,  (on  the  part  ov  the  ed- 
diturs,  by  J.  B.)  on  account  ov  its  length  and  thick- 
ness. 

"  The  Sea,  the  roarin  Sea." — A  sublime  stand- 
zas^  wurth  at  least  7  dollars,  intended,  undoubtedly, 
for   The  Atlatitic  Monthly,  and  cent  tu  us  bi  mis- 


54  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

take,  we  wud  like  tu  accept  it,  but  dassent,  fur  fere 
folks  mite  sa  we  stole  it. 

"  Will  yu  Kiss  me  Dearest,"  Bi  Mary  Ann. — 
Acksepted.  ,  We  take  all  them  kind  ov  chanses. 
The  potri  ain't  fust  rate,  but  we  expect  the  kissia 
kan't  be  beat,  till  then,  fair  Maid  ajew  ! 

"A  gealogikal  synopsorum  ov  the  heavenly 
spears,"  Bi  Paul  Vernon  —  Will  appere  in  our  nex 
issu.  This  writer  haz  attaked  a  subjeck  ov  grate 
differkilty,  with  the  biggest  kind  ov  energee,  and 
haz  suckceeded ;  his  thesis  is  admirable,  hiz  argy- 
ment  iz  clus,  and  his  stile  is  camphene.  We  sa 
"  Mount  Vernon  !  on  eagil  wings,  beyond  the  klouds, 
and  paint  yure  name  rite  over  the  top  ov  the  door 
that  leads  tu  glory,  Mount  Vernon,  mi  boy  ! " 
We  predick  grate  poplarity  for  this  writer,  if  he 
aint  kut  oph  by  a  frost. 

" A  Prairie  on  fire"  Bi  Diogoneze. — Rejeckted 
to  onst.  Tu  hot  for  the  sezon  —  cool  artikles  take 
the  best  now.  It  made  me  swet  tu  rede  the  manu- 
skrip.  "  Dont  despair  Diogoneze,"  if  yu  find  liter- 
ature aint  yure  stile,  tri  sawing  wood ;  iv'e  known 


ANSWERS   TO   CONTRIBUIORS.  65 

hundreds  ov  men  make  a  dust  sawing  wood,  who 
want  worth  a  cuss  tu  write  for  the  nusepapirs. 

"Wait  a  little  lonffer,''  Bi  Eugene. — This  potri 
wants  greasing.  Thare  aint  nothin  so  eaza  tu  rite 
az  potri,  if  yu  know  how.  Our  advise  tu  this  au- 
thor iz  tu  take  pills,  and  if  tha  dont  release  him  ov 
his  potri,  he  kan  konklude  he  haz  got  the  potri  diz- 
eaze  the  natral  wa,  and  iz  liable  tu  brake  out  at 
Bumtime. 

In  konklusion,  Fustly,  we  would  sa  tu  moste 
writers,  "  write  often,  and  publish  seldom."  Sec- 
ondly, tu  sum  writers,  "  write  seldom  and  publish 
seldemmer." 


XVIII. 

THE  DEVIL'S  PUTTY  AND  VARNISIL 

When  a  man  cums  tew  the  konklusion  that  ho 
would  like  tew  kill  suraboddj  at  thirty  paces,  he  im- 
agines that  he  haz  bin  wronged,  and  sends  hiz  best 
friend  a  challenge  tew  fite  a  dewell ;  tha  meet,  and 
an  elegant  murder  iz  committed ;  the  cracks,  in  this 
transaktion  are  puttjed  up,  and  then  varnished  over, 
bi  being  kalled,  "  an  affair  ov  honnor^  When  a 
man  robs  a  saving  bank,  or  goes  tew  urope  on  the 
last  steamer,  with  the  stolen  reseipts  ov  a  sanitary 
kommittee  in  his  pocket,  a  kommittee  ov  investigashun 
are  got  together  tew  examine  the  stait  ov  affairs. 
and  unanimously  report  "  a  diskrepansy  in  hiz 
akounts."  2  yung  men  hire  a  boss  and  buggy  at 
a  livri  stable,  and  go  into  the  kuntry  on  Sunda. 
Tha  stop  at  the  fust  tavern  tha  meet,  and  invest 
in  sum  ardent  speerita.  They  stop  agin  pretty 
soon,  and  histe  in  sum  more  ardent  speerits.  The 
more  tha  histe  in,  the  more  tha  drive,  till  bi  and  bi 


THE   DEVILS   PUTTY   AND    VARNISH  57 

a  devilish  bridge  tips  them  over  into  a  devilish  gutter 
tliat  sumboddj  haz  left  bi  the  side  ov  the  road,  and 
tha  are  awl  killed,  including  the  hoss  and  buggy. 
This  is  kalled  a  "  Fatal  acksident.''^  A  man  and 
hiz  ■wife  are  living  in  the  middle  ov  joy  and  conso- 
lashun,  tha  are  surrounded  on  awl  sides  bi  a  yung 
and  interesting  familee,  their  bread  iz  cut  thin,  and 
buttered  on  both  sides  and  the  edges,  but  the  de- 
stroyer enters  the  family,  the  wife  wants  a  nu  silk 
gown,  the  man  sez  he  "  be  d — d  if  she  duz,"  and 
she  "  be  d — d  if  she  dont."  One  word  brings  on 
another,  till  tha  fite.  both  ov  them  lose  awl  the  hair 
in  their  beds,  and  2  full  setts  ov  false  teeth,  the 
thing  ends  in  a  divorse,  the  man  runs  awa  tew  Aus- 
tralia bi  the  overland  route,  the  woman  marry's  a 
cirkus  rider  at  40  Dollars  a  month,  the  children  are 
adopted  bi  sum  sunda  school,  and  are  brought  up  on 
homopathy.  This  furnishes  a  collum  and  a  half  in 
the  nusepaper.  under  the  bed  ov  '"'■  Disturbnnse  ov 
the  via/Tid  relationJ'^  A  youth  ov  21  summer  be- 
gins life  with  36  thousand  dollars.  Sevral  fast 
Losses  belong  tew  him,  there  iz  sevral  fast  wimmin 
that  he  belongs  tew,  awl  the  tavern  keepers  are  hia 
patrons,  faro  banks  are  hilt  for  hiz  amuzement,  con- 
solidated lotterys  are  chartered  on  purpiss  tew  make 


58  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

him  happee  ;  nothing  iz  left  undun  tew  make  him  feel 
good.  He  wakes  up  about  the  25th  ov  next  May, 
■without  a  dollar  in  hiz  pocket,  and  a  host  ov  warm 
friends  on  hiz  hands,  without  enny  visible  means  ov 
supporting  them.  He  takes  an  akount  ov  stock,  he 
buys  a  pint  ov  rum  and  4  yards  ov  bed  kord,  the 
one  makes  him  limber,  while  the  other  makes  him 
stiff.  The  putty  and  varnish  in  this  kase  iz, 
"  Driven  tew  desperashwi  on  akov.nt  of  finanshui 
'preshure?''  A  rale  rode  trane  stands  snorting  in 
front  ov  the  depoe,  the  last  bel  iz  ringing,  the  kars 
are  full  ov  souls  that  belong  tew  different  individuals, 
the  konducktor  iz  full  ov  Bourbon,  that  belongs  tew 
the  devil,  the  engineer  labors  under  an  attack  ov 
Jamaka  for  the  broketis,  the  switchmen  likes  a  leetle 
good  old  rye,  the  kars  diskount  45  miles  a  hour, 
2  trains  tri  tew  pass  each  other  on  the  same  track  ;  it 
kant  be  did  suckcessfully ;  the  mangled  and  ded  are 
kounted  bi  skores,  a  searchino;  investigashun  takes 
plase,  the  community  iz  satizfied,  bekause  it  waz, 
'•  an  tinavoidable  katastrophc.^^  The  Devil  fur- 
nishes putty  and  varnish,  free  ov  expense,  tew  hide 
the  frauds  and  guilt  ov  men.  Aul  ov  which  iz  re- 
spekfully  committed  Bi 

Josh  Billings. 


XIX. 

MANIFEST  DESTINY. 

Manifest  destiny  iz  the  science  ov  going  tew  the 
devil,  or  enny  other  place  before  yu  git  thare.  I 
may  be  rong  in  this  centiment,  but  that  iz  the  way 
it  strikes  me,  and  i  am  so  put  together  that  when  enny 
thing  strikes  me  i  immej lately  strike  back.  Mani- 
fest destiny  mite  perhaps  be  blocked  out  agin  az  the 
condishun  that  man  and  things  find  themselfs  in  with 
a  ring  in  their  nozes  and  sumboddy  hold  ov  the 
ring.  I  may  be  rong  agin,  but  if  i  am,  awl  i  hav 
got  tew  sa  iz,  i  don't  kno  it,  and  what  a  man  don't 
kno  ain't  no  damage  tew  enny  boddy  else.  The  tru 
way  that  manifess  destiny  had  better  be  sot  down  iz. 
the  exact  distance  that  a  frog  kan  jump  down  hill 
with  a  striped  snake  after  him  ;  i  dont  kno  but  i  may 
be  wrong  onst  more,  but  if  the  frog  don't  git 
ketcthed  the  destiny  iz  jist  what  he  iz  a  looking 
for. 


60  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

When  a  man  falls  into  the  bottom  ov  a  well  and 
makes  up  hiz  minde  tew  stay  thare,  that  ain't  mani- 
fess  destiny  enny  more  than  having  yure  hair  cut 
short  iz ;  but  if  he  almoste  gits  out  and  then  falls 
down  in  agin  16  foot  deeper  and  brakes  off  his  neck 
twice  in  the  same  plase  and  dies  and  iz  buried  thare 
at  low  water,  that  iz  manifess  destiny  on  the  square. 
Standing  behind  a  bull  in  fly  time  and  gitting  kick- 
ed twice  at  one  time,  must  feel  a  good  deal  like  man- 
ifess destiny.  Being  about  10  seckunds  tew  late 
tew  git  an  express  train,  and  then  chasing  the  train 
with  yure  wife,  and  an  umbreller  in  yure  hands,  in 
a  hot  day,  and  not  getting  az  near  tew  the  train  az 
you  waz  when  yu  started,  looks  a  leetle  like  mani- 
fess destiny  on  a  rale  rode  trak.  Going  into  a  tem- 
pranse  house  and  calling  for  a  little  old  Bourbon 
on  ice,  and  being  told  in  a  mild  way  that  "  the 
Bourbon  iz  jist  out,  but  they  hav  got  sum  gin  that 
cost  72  cents  a  gallon  in  Paris."  sounds  tew  me  like 
the  manifess  destiny  ovmoste  tempranse  houses. 

Mi  dear  reader,  don't  beleave  in  manifess  destiny 
untill  yu  see  it.  Thare  iz  such  a  thing  az  manifess 
destiny,  but  when  it  occurs  it  iz  like  the  number  ov 
rings  on  the  rakoon's  tale,  ov  no  grate  consequense 
onla  for  ornament.     Man  wan't  made  for  a  machine, 


MANIFEST   DESTINY.  61 

if  he  waz,  it  "waz  a  locomotiif  machine,  and  manifes3 
destiny  must  git  oph  from  the  trak  when  the  bell 
rings,  or  git  knocked  higher  than  the  price  ov  gold. 
Manifess  destiny  iz  a  disseaze,  but  it  iz  eazy  tew 
heal ;  i  hav  seen  it  in  its  wust  stages  cured  bi  saw- 
ing a  cord  ov  dri  hickory  wood.  I  thought  i  had  it 
onse,  it  broke  out  in  the  shape  ov  poetry ;  i  sent  a 
speciment  ov  the  disseaze  tew  a  magazine,  the  mag- 
azine man  wrote  me  nex  day  as  follers  , 

"  Dear  Sur  '     Yu  may  be  a  dam  phule,  but  yu 
are  no  poeck.     Yures,  in  haste." 


XX. 

ANSWERS  TO  CONTRIBUTORS. 

Perkins  —  I  hav  red  yure  peace,  on  "  Wimmina 
Rites,"  thru,  and  thru,  and  must  saj  that  i  luv  it. 
In  mi  opinyun,  wimmin  haz  a  rite  to  tu  dew  enny 
thing  well,  but  saw  wood ;  sawin  wood,  ain't  their 
stile  ;  speshially  if  the  sawbuk  iz  a  high  one,  it  must 
mortify  them  the  wust  wa. 

Harrold. —  Yure  genus  iz  not  fully  born  yet, 
when  it  gits  awl  born,  i  think  yu  will  be  a  poeck. 
Yu  hav  got  imaginashun  enufF  tew  keep  a  livery 
stable.  Yure  lando;uao;e  iz  a  leetle  too  florid ;  did 
you  ever  travel  in  Florida  ?  Tri  agin  —  I  notis 
one  ov  yure  lines,  haz  10  feet  into  it,  and  the  nex 
one,  haz  only  got  9  feet,  six  inches.  Sum  poiks 
air  born,  and  sum  are  manafaktured ;  the  manafak- 
tured  ones,  are  the  moste  stiddyest,  tha  aint  so  ap 
tew  hanker  after  mint  juleps.     Yu  ought  to  go  up 


ANSWERS    TO    CONTRIBUIORS.  63 

garrett  when  yu  praktis,  moste  awl  good  poeckry 
haz  bin  rit  up  garrett. 

Hard  Road. — Yure  essa  has  sum  good  hits  intu  it^ 
but  iz  not  jis  the  thing  for  a  religus  nuzepaper,  like 
ours :  send  it  tu  "  Wilkes  Spirit,"  a  paper  that 
knows  how  tu  talk  boss,  I  will  merely  suggess, 
that  pedigree  iz  not  important  for  a  fast  trotting 
boss ;  if  he  kan  trot  fast,  never  minde  the  pedigree. 
Thare  iz  a  grate  menny  fast  men,  even,  who  baint 
got  no  pedigree.  Thare  aint  mutch  art  in  driving  a 
trotting  boss,  jist  bold  them  bak  bard,  and  boiler 
them  ahead  hard,  thats  awl.  A  boss  will  trot  the 
fastest  down  hill,  espeshila,  if  the  briching  brakes. 
Kuller  is  no  kriterion.  I  bav  seen  awful  mean 
bosses,  ov  awl  kullers,  excep  green,  i  never  cee  a 
mean  one  ov  this  kuller.  Hosses  liv  tew  an  honar- 
abil  old  age,  and  i  bav  often  seen  them,  tliat  apear- 
ed  fully  prepared  for  deth.  Heathins  are  alwus 
kind  tew  bosses ;  it  iz  only  among  christian  people, 
that  a  boss  haz  tew  trot  3  mile  heats,  in  a  hot  da, 
for  ^25,000  in  kounterfit  munny. 


XXI. 

ON  DOGS. 

When  fickle  frends  and  fickler  fortin  fales, 
Dogs,  unfickle  still,  for  you  will  wag  their  tales. 

Dogs  are  various  in  kind,  and  thanks  tew  an  all- 
wise  Providence,  tha  are  various  in  number.  Tha 
are  the  onla  animil  ov  the  brute  perswashun,  -who 
hay  voluntary  left  a  wilde  stait  ov  natur,  and  cum 
in  under  the  flag  ov  man.  Tha  are  not  vagabones 
bi  choise,  and  luv  tew  belong  tu  sumbodj.  This 
fac  endears  them  tew  us.  and  i  hav  alwas  rated  the 
dog  az  about  the  seventh  cusin  tew  the  humain  spe- 
cious. Tha  kant  talk,  but  tha  kan  lick  yure  hand, 
this  shows  that  their  hearts  iz  in  the  plase  where 
uther  folks'  tungs  iz.  Dogs  in  the  lump  are  useful, 
but  tha  are  not  alwas  proffittable  in  the  lump.  The 
Nufoundlin  dog  is  useful  tew  saive  chldiren  from 
drowning,  but  yu  hav  got  tew  hav  a  pond  or  water, 


ON   DOGS.  65 

and  children  running  around  kareless,  or  else  the 
dog  aint  profitable.  Thare  aint  nothing  maid  board- 
ing a  Nufoundlin  dog.  Rat  Tarries  air  useful  tew 
kech  rats,  but  the  rats  aint  proffittable  after  yu  hav 
keched  them.  The  Shepard  dog  is  useful  tew  drive 
sheep,  but  if  yu  hav  got  tew  go  and  buy  a  flock  ov 
sheep,  and  pay  more  than  tha  are  wurth,  jist  to  keep 
the  dog  bizzy,  the  dog  aint  proflBttable,  not  mutch. 
Lap  dogs  are  very  useful,  but  if  yu  dont  hold  them 
in  yure  lap  awl  the  time,  tha  aint  proffittable  at  all. 
Bull  dogs  are  extremely  useful,  but  yu  hav  got  tew 
keep  a  bull  too,  or  else  yu  kant  make  ennnything 
on  the  door.  The  Coach  dog  iz  one  ov  the  moste 
usefullest  ov  dogs  i  kno  ov,  but  yu  hav  got  to  hav  a 
coach,  (and  that  aint  alwus  pleasant)  or  yu  kant 
realize  from  the  dog.  Thus  we  cee,  that  while  dogs 
are  ginerally  useful,  thare  are  times,  when  tha  aint 
ginerally  proffittable.  I  dont  really  luv  a  Yaller 
dog,  nor  a  mad  dog,  but  with  these  two  unfortunate 
excepshuns,  it  is  dredful  hard  work  for  me  to  sa  a 
hard  word  agin  a  doo;;  the  wag  ov  their  tails  is 
what  takes  me.  Enny  man  who  will  abuze  a  dog, 
neadn't  ask  me  to  luv  him,  or  pra  for  him.  Enny 
man  who  -will  abuze  a  dog  will  abuse  a  v/oman,  and 
enny  man  who  will  abuse  a  woman  is  thirty-five  or 


66  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

forty  miles  miles  meaner  than  —  a  pale  paller  dog, 
These  are  my  centiments,  and  i  shant  change  them, 
until  i  receive  notice  that  the  camel  has  smoothed 
down  the  hump  on  his  back,  and  the  sarpent  ceases 
tew  wiggle  when  he  wanders. 


XXll. 

SAYINGS  OF  JOSH  BILLINGS. 

I  think  the  fools  do  more  hurt  in  this  world  than 
the  raskals. 

The  prinsipal  differense  between  a  luxury  and  a 
necesaary  iz,  the  prise. 

Awl  men  hav  cunning,  and  sum  men  hav  wisdum. 

If  I  aint  mistaKen,  the  best  wa  tew  git  religion, 
iz  tew  git  honesta,  and  truth,  and  a  sprinklin  ov 
morality  fust,  and  see  how  they  agree  with  us. 

What  a  man  spends  in  this  life,  he  saves  :  what 
he  dont  git  want  ment  for  him,  and  what  he  saves, 
he  loozes. 

Fame  iz  like  a  crop  ov  kanada  thissells,  very  eazy 
tew  sow,  but  hard  tew  reap. 


68  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

'  Familiarity  breeds  contempt."  this  iz  so  — jist 
as  soon  az  we  git  familiarized  with  castor  ile,  for  in- 
stance we  contempt  it. 

Life  is  short,  but  it  iz  long  enuff  to  ruin  enny 
man  who  wants  tew  be  ruined. 

When  the  soul  iz  in  grief,  it  iz  taking  root,  and 
•when  it  iz  in  smiles,  it  iz  taking  wing. 

The  grate  art  in  writing  well,  iz  tew  kno  when 
tew  stop. 

Every  time  yu  forgive  a  man  yu  weaken  him,  and 
strengthen  yurself. 

Mi  private  opinion  iz.  that  i  should  prefer  boned 
fish  tew  boned  turkey, 

"  Giv  the  devil  his  due,"  but  be  very  kerful  that 
thare  aint  mutch  due  him. 

It  haz  bin  obsarved,  "  that  corporashuns  haint 
got  enny  souls."  Thare  iz  excepshuns  tew  this  rule, 
for  i  kno  ov  several  that  hav  got  the  meanest  kind 
ov  souLs. 


SAYINGS   OF   JOSH   BILLINGS.  69 

After  a  man  has  rode  fast  onse,  he  never  wants 
tew  go  slow  agin. 

'•  Sparks  fly  upward."      Old  maids  will  pleaze 

make  a  note  ov  this. 

I 

"  What  will  it  prolBt  a  man,  if  he  gain  the  whole 
wurld,  and  loze  his  own  soul  ?  i  answer,  nothing : 
but  thare  are  cases,  whare  thare  wouldn't  be  enny 
loss  tew  speek  ov. 

"  Think  twice  before  yu  speak  onse,"  but  don't 
think,  "  d— n  it." 

Thare  iz  onla  one  thing  that  i  blame  Adam  for, 
and  that  iz,  when  he  had  the  onla  woman  on  arth, 
he  didn't  git  her  warranted. 


XXIII. 
FASHION. 

Fashion  is  a  compound  mixtur  ov  much  taist,  and 
sum  vanitee.  The  taist  that  is  into  it,  saives  it 
from  ridikule.  Fashun  iz  just  az  necessara  tu  gov- 
ern men  and  wimmin  with,  az  sivil  law ;  in  fack 
mennj  folks  wud  ruther  brake  a  statu  than  tu  ware 
a  cut  tale  tu  short,  or  a  bunnet  tu  obtuze. 

Exsentrisity  iz  one  thing,  and  fashun  iz  anuther 
thing.  We  haint  got  no  more  rite  tu  laff  at  fashun, 
than  we  hav  tu  lafF  at  vittels.  What  a  man,  or 
woman  eats,  if  it  iz  well  cooked,  iz  all  rite,  and 
what  tha  ware,  if  it  iz  well  cooked,  is  ditto.  — 
After  fashuns  hav  had  their  da,  then  iz  the  time  tu 
despize  them ;  just  so  it  iz  with  vittels  ;  cold  vittels 
for  instanze. 

Nobody  iz  tu  blame  for  old  fashuns.  If  our 
grate  grand  mother  shud  meet  our  present  mother, 
both  ov  them  dressed  in  the  ftishun  ov  their  respek- 


FASHION.  71 

tif  daze,  tha  wud  go  tu  kalling  each  other  old  Fools, 
and  we  should  stan  bj,  and  offer  tu  bet  on  it.  K 
evrj  boddj  had  a  fashun  ov  their  own,  it  wud  make 
az  mutch  trubble  az  a  shinplaster  kurrensy.  Them 
that  sett  the  fashun,  aught  tu  be  vartuous  and  big 
minded,  bekauze  the  morals  ov  a  people  are  just  about 
az  mutch  inflooensed  by  fashun  az  tha  are  by  religun. 
In  them  daze,  when  tha  had  no  partiklar  fashun, 
tha  didn't  hav  partiklar  enny  thing  else.  It  iz  more 
evidense  ov  vanitee  to  rejek  fashun,  than  it  iz  tu 
adopt  it. 

Evra  boddy,  more  or  lessly,  hankers  after  fashun. 
Fashun  makes  the  poor  ambishus,  and  it  makes  the 
rich  affabil ;  it  makes  the  the  vartuous  cheerful,  and 
it  makes  the  humbly  kind  ov  handsum,  and  thare 
iz  no  reson  why  it  shud  make  the  modest  bold,  enny 
more  than  elegense  shud  make  the  butiful  wicked. 
Thare  has  alwus  bin  wolfs  in  sheeps  clothing,  and 
fashun  will  okasionally  be  used  for  the  same  purpis, 
but  that  aint  enny  reson  why  mutton  aint  good,  nor 
why  fashun  shud  be  hipokrasy.  Bekauze  sum  peopil 
are  slaves  tu  fashun  only  proves  its  power,  and  yu  will 
find  that  thoze  who  are  its  slaves  are  ginerally  free 
from  moste  ov  the  big  sins  that  humin  natur  iz  sub- 
jec  tu.     The  big  minded,  and  the  noble,  adopt  fash- 


72  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

un  jist  az  tha  du  enny  uther  proper  kustom,  simpla 
bekause  it  iz  the  faslmn. 

It  is  tru  that  sum  ov  the  fashuns  are  absurd,  and 
it  is  tru  that  sum  ov  the  vartues  are  absurd  also. 
If  a  fashun  kant  be  maid  tu  square  itself  ta  the 
rules  ov  either  good  cense  or  good  taist,  it  aint  fash- 
un, it  is  consait.  A  grate  menny  folks  ced  that 
whoops  was  a  failure,  but  tha  held  their  own,  and 
grew  nisely ;  tha  are  realy  evra  thing  in  a  hot  da. 
I  shud  like  tu  set  in  one  all  thru  Juli  and  August ; 
a  feller  wud  be  as  cool  as  a  dog's  nose  in  a  wire 
muzzel. 

The  essa  is  thru. 


The  occasional  effect  of  Santa  Cruz  Rum  on  a  gentleman  of 
genial  spirits. — *S'ee  page  80, 


XXIV. 

REMARKS 

Marrying  a  ■woman  for  her  munnj  is  vera  mutch 
like  setting  a  rat-trap,  and  baiting  it  with  jure  own 
finger. 

"  Between  tew  evils  chuze  the  least."  Brandee 
and  gin,  for  instance,  which  will  ju  hav  ? 

Perhaps  sura  philosophick  raind  kan  tell  me  why 
the  Jews  never  eat  whats  on  the  left  side  ov  a  baked 
goov^e. 

If  men  had  a  good  deal  more  faith  than  tha  had 
kommon  sense,  moste  ov  them  wud  expek  tu  liv,  as 
Eliger  ov  old  did. 

When  a  man's   harte  gits  up   into    his   hod,  his 

charitces  will  smell  tu  mutch  ov  wisdom;  and  when 
4 


76  JOSH  BILLINGS. 

-tory  ov  innersence,  and  his  lessure  is  elaganse.  He 
"walketh  whare  grase  leadeth,  and  gambles  tew  the 
dallianse  ov  dewy  fragranse.  He  gathereth  straws 
in  his  mouthj  and  hasteneth  awa  on  errants  ov  glad- 
ness. He  listeneth  tu  the  reproof  of  hiz  parent ; 
his  ackshuns  are  the  laws  ov  peril  teness,  and  his 
logick  is  the  power  ov  instinkt.  His  datime  is 
pease  and  his  evening  is  gentle  forgitfullness.  As 
he  taketh  on  years,  he  loveth  kool  plases,  and  del- 
veth  in  liquids,  and  stirreth  the  arth  tew  a  fatness, 
and  painteth  hisself  in  dark  cullers,  a  reffuge  from 
flize,  and  the  torments  ov  life.  He  forgetteth  his 
parent,  and  bekumeth  his  own  master,  and  larneth 
the  mistery  ov  food,  and  groweth  hugely.  Men 
gaze  at  his  porkyness,  and  kount  his  vallu  bi  pounds, 
and  la  in  wate  for  him,  and  sacrifise  him,  and  give 
his  flesh  salt  for  its  safety.     This  is  Pig  life. 


XXVI. 

PROVERBS. 

Preeching  the  gospel  for  nothin,  is  easy  emff, 
but  preeching  it  fur  5  thousand  a  yere,  and  hav  it 
Eute^  is  anuther  thing  entirely. 

A  ded  traitor  makes  a  sweete  korps. 

Matches,  ma  be  made  in  heavin,  but  tha  ar  gin- 
erally  sold  down  here. 

Yu  ma  make  a  whissel  out  ov  a  pig's  tale,  but  if 
you  du,  you'll  find  you've  spilte  a  verry  worthy  tale, 
and  got  a  devilish  poor  whissel. 

I  consait  thare  is  this  difference  between  basbfull- 
ness,  and  modesta,  the  one  soon  wares  oph,  the  other 
never  dus. 


78  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

A  vartuous,  and  ekonomikal,  and  knooing,  and 
butiful  -woman  is  —  is,  all  that  kan  be  sed  on  the 
Bubjec. 

Fitckshun  is  a  kind  ov  haf  wa  bous,  betwen  the 
temples  ov  Truth  and  Fallshood,  whare  the  good  and 
the  bad  meet  tu  lie  a  little. 

Praing,  and  Charitee,  ought  tu  be  dun  on  the  sli. 

The  moste  intensely  butiful  scene  i  ever  perused, 
was  a  clene,  fat,  haf  dressed  baby,  on  the  floor, 
kicking  up  its  little  heels,  and  pounding  a  lookin 
glass,  and  a  gold  watch  together. 

Munny  is  like  promises,  easier  maid  than  kept. 

The  fules  in  this  wurld  make  about  as  much  trub- 
ble  as  the  wicked  du. 

Misfortin  and  twins  hardly  ever  cum  singly. 


XXVII. 

ANSWERS  TO  CORRESPONDENTS. 

Bolivar. —  Yu  are  rite  about  it,  courtin  a  yung 
widder  iz  no  boys  play.  Yu  hav  got  to  stick  and 
hang.  Feed  them  -^vell,  and  take  them  tu  the  cir- 
cus, and  go  out  into  the  avenu  with  a  kupple  ov 
blood  ba  liorhtnino;  calculators,  that's  the  wa ! 
Dont  waste  enny  time  waiting  for  a  full  moon  nuth- 
er.  Widders  luv  oysters  and  gass  lite  the  best. 
Dont  flatter  them  much,  but  pitch  in,  and  rush 
matters.  Menny  a  widder  has  bin  lost,  bi  fuleing 
around,  gitting  reddy  tu  court.  Maids  luv  centi- 
ment,  but  widders  luv  muscle. 

Fanny. —  Pork  and  beans  are  good,  that's  a  fack, 
but  yu  must  go  down  suller  and  eat  them,  don't  let 
ennybody  cee  yu  du  it.  Sassage  grease  iz  ap  tu 
rise  on  the  stummuk,  and  if  yu  eat  raw  onions,  and 
dont  swaller  them  hull,  tha  are  ap  tu  make  yure 


80  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

breth  defensive,  so  tha  sa.  If  yu  want  tew  katch 
jure  bo,  run  rite  tuther  wa,  and  stream  a  small- 
sized  skream,  and  dont  look  bak  till  yu  katch  him. 
If  yure  bo  wants  tew  marry  yu,  and  yu  ar  enny 
whar  near  reddy,  it  iz  a  good  genral  rule  tew  let 
him  du  it. 

David. — The  best  kind  ov  a  dog  tew  hav  for  awl 
purposes  iz  a  wooden  one.  Tha  dont  kost  much, 
and  aint  liable  tew  git  out  ov  repair.  They  are 
easy  kep,  and  yu  alwus  kno  whare  tu  find  them. 
Tha  aint  kross  tu  children  when  yu  step  on  their 
tales.  Bi  awl  means  git  a  small  one.  I  never  knu 
one  ov  this  breed  tu  foller  ennybody  oph. 

Citizen. — I  think  yu  hav  cum  tu  just  konklusion 
from  the'  premisis.  Yu  sa,  "  enny  man  who  will 
chaw  plug  terbakker,  will  drink  santa  kruize  rum  ; 
enny  man  who  will  drink  santa  kruize  rum,  will  go 
tew  the  devil ;  and  enny  man  who  will  go  tu  the 
devil,  is  mean  enuff  tu  du  enny  thing."  Bi  thun- 
der, i  think  yure  more  than  I  rite,  I  will  think  the 
thing  over  clus,  and  if  i  find  you  are  rite,  ill  tele- 
grafif  tew  yu. 


ANSWERS   TO    CORRESPONDENTS.  81 

Richard^ — Thare  amt  no  sich  thing  az  a  muuny 
aristokrat  in  this  free  Amerikan  land  ov  freedum. 
If  a  man  knows  more  than  anuther  man,  he  has  got 
a  rite  tew  throw  his  hed  bak  and  brag  onto  it  a  little. 
But  if  a  man  haint  got  onla  munny,  he  haint  got  no 
more  rite  tu  bran;  onto  it  then  he  wud  hav  tu  braor 
onto  a  big  pile  ov  manure  that  wanted  spreading. 

Gipsey. — I  kant  giv  yu  enny  partikler  rule  for 
riteing  for  the  nuzepapers.  Korrekt  spelling  iz  the 
verry  bowels  ov  suckcess.  This  art  is  onkomon 
hard  tew  obtain  :  but  few  ever  reach  it,  and  liv. 
If  yu  want  yure  name  tew  go  down  tu  posterita  un- 
tarnished, dont  rite  for  the  nusepapers,  but  go  and 
hav  yure  name  painted  in  red  letters  onto  a  board, 
and  la  it  awa  up  garrett. 
t* 


XXVIII. 

PROVERBS  OF  THE  BILLINGS  FAMILY. 

Humin  natur  is  the  same  all  over  the  world,  cept  in 
IsTu  England,  and  thar  its  akordin  tu  sarcumstances. 

A  kodfish  aristokrat  alwus  puts  me  in  mind  ov  a 
drunken  man  a  tryin  tu  walk  a  krack. 

Rum  is  good  in  its  plase,  and  hel  is  the  plase  for 
it. 

Akordin  tu  skripter  thar  will  be  just  about  as 
many  Kammills  in  heavin  as  rich  men. 

"When  yu  korte  a  widder,  yu  want  tu  du  it  with 
spurs  on. 

Larfin  at  yure  own  story,  while  yu  are  tellin  on 
it,  is  a  good  dele  like  firing  a  gun  oph  thru  the 
tuch  hole. 


PROVERBS  OF   THE    BILLINGS   FAMILY.  83 

A  pet  lam,  alwus  makes  a  kross  ram. 

A  live  harte  sumtimes  gits  intu  a  ded  body,  so 
dus  perls  git  intu  jersa  clams. 

"  Glory  enuff  for  one  da,"  attendin  a  nigger 
kamp  meeting. 

He  who  skorns  to  be  inflooensed  at  tall  by  fashun 
IS  a  wize  fool. 

I  am  prepaired  tu  say  tu  sevin  ov  the  rich  mec 
out  ov  evry  ten,  makes  the  most  ov  yure  money  foi 
it  makes  the  most  ov  yu. 

If  i  had  a  boy  who  didn't  lie  well  enuff  tu  suta 
me,  i  wud  set  him  tu  tendin  a  retale  dri  good  store. 

Man  was  kreated  a  little  lower  than  the  angella 
and  has  bin  gittin  a  little  lower  ever  sinse. 

The  moste  oneasy  kreetur  i  ever  perused,  was  a 
bob  tale  bull,  in  fli  time. 

When  a  feller  gits  a  goin  down  hil,  it  dus  se^m 
as  tho  evry  thing  had  bin  greased  for  the  okashun. 


84  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

I  hav  known  folks  whose  calibre  was  very  small, 
but  whose  bore  was  verj  big. 

The  meanest  man  i  ever  nu  was  the  one  who  stole 
a  suggar  whissel  from  a  nigger  babj  tu  sweeten  a 
kup  ov  rye  koffee  with. 

Pluk  IS  a  nise  kompound  ov  pride,  vanitee  and 
vartue. 

Robbers  are  like  rane,  tha  fall  on  the  just  and 
the  unjust. 

We  hate  those  who  will  not  take  our  advise,  and 
despise  them  who  do. 


XXIX. 

A  FU  REMARKS. 

Moral  swashun  consis  in  asking  a  man  tu  do  what 
he  aucrht  tu  do  without  askin,  and  then  beo;o;in  hiz 
pardon  if  he  refuses  tu  do  it. 

I  hav  finally  kum  tu  the  konklusion,  that  a  good 
reliable  sett  ov  bowels,  iz  wurth  more  tu  a  man, 
than  enny  quantity  ov  brains. 

Musick  hath  charms  tu  soothe  a  savage  ;  this  may 
be  so,  but  i  wud  rather  tri  a  revolver  on  him  fust. 

It  alwus  seemed  to  me  that  a  left  handed  fiddler 
must  pla  the  tune  backwards. 

I  hav  often  bin  told  that  the  best  wa  iz  tu  take  a 
''  Bull  bi  the  horns,"  but  i  think  in  many  instanzes 
i  shud  prefer  the  "  tale  holt." 


86  JOSH   BILLINGS 

The  fust  law  ov  natur  iz  tu  steal ;  the  sekund  law 
is  tu  hide^  and  the  third  iz  tu  —  steal  agin. 

Poverta  acts  the  same  onta  a  man's  branes,  az  ex- 
ercise dus  onto  hiz  boddj,  gives  an  appetite. 

I  never  could  cee  any  use  in  making  wooden  goda 
mail  and  femail. 

If  the  harte  iz  rite,  the  hed  cant  be  verj  rong. 

Tha  tell  me  that  femails  are  so  skarse,  in  the  far 
western  country,  that  a  grate  menny  married  wim- 
min  are  alreddy  engaged  tu  their  sekund  and  third 
husbands. 

N.  B.  The  above  remarks  are  not  intended  to  be 
personal. 


XXX. 

A  LEKTURE  TO  MALE  YOUNG  MEN  ONLY. 

Yu  are  about  2  begin  life,  jung  men,  for  the  fust 
time,  and  1  suppose  thare  wud  be  no  impropriety  in 
mi  saing,  for  the  List  time  tew.  It  is  hily  impor- 
tant or  thereabouts,  that  yu  set  down  in  sum  kool 
plase,  and  take  an  honest  akount  ov  stok,  or  in  other 
wurds,  less  poetick  but  equally  tru,  yu  sarch  out 
the  ramifikashun  ov  naturj  and  see  what  natur  haz 
ramified  yu  for.  Now  skriptur  will  tell  yu,  that 
men  don't  gether  pigs  from  thissels,  neither  dus  the 
husband,  nor  hiz  wife,  nor  enny  ov  his  relashuns, 
plant  korn  when  tha  are  after  pumpkins,  nor  sow 
bukwheat,  when  he  iz  a  lookin  for  old  rye.  Kauze 
and  affeck  iz  anuther  awful  good  thing  to  studdy ; 
yu  will  find  this  talked  ov  in  Dan  Webster's  dick- 
tionary.  Having  follered  the  above  advise,  and  hav- 
ing hefted  the  above  reasoning,  yu  will  cum  tew  the 
konklusion.  whether  it  iz  best  for  yu  tu  studdy  law, 


88  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

or  studdj  shumaking,  both  ov  them  honerabil  biz- 
nisses,  and  equally  kondusiv  tew  helth.  Yu  will 
also  be  enabled  tew  bet  with  dispatch,  whether  yu 
hav  a  kail,  tew  preach  the  gospil,  or  sel  yankee  no 
shuns  at  auction,  both  ov  them  respektuous_  if  hon- 
estla  follared,  and  both  ov  them  liabel  tew  be  led 
estra,  and  end  at  laste  in  the  bronkeetis.  The  stud- 
dy  ov  medisin  will  present  itself  and  flap  its  wings 
and  ci'ow,  but  it  kant  fule  yu,  bekause  yu  have  sot 
down;  as  rekomended  above,  and  tuk  akount  ov  yure 
liabilitys,  and  kno  tew  a  spot  whether  yu  air  kon- 
structed  rite  for  a  veteran  surgeon  amung  bosses,  or 
hav  the  rite  natur  for  dealing  out  kalamil  &  gallup 
amung  men,  wimmin  &  childrin.  Yu  will  likewize 
hav  it  in  yure  power  tew  gess  clussly  between  being 
a  kolporter  or  keeping  a  billiard  tabil ;  if  yu  find 
that  yure  goose  iz  morally  sound,  yu  will  itinerate 
at  onst,  but  if  yu  diskiver  a  leak  in  yure  base,  yu 
will  take  up  yure  cue,  naturally  &  akordinly.  Sell- 
ing dri  goods  and  blaksmi thing  wil  klaim  yure  es- 
pecial notis,  and  wil  bother  yu  dredfully  for  a  ver- 
dik  ;  but  if  yu  find  yu  hav  kalico  on  the  brain,  & 
aint  afraid  tew  stretch  the  cloth  &  the  truth  a  little, 
when  yu  mezure  it,  yu  will  straddle  the  kounter  like 
an  ingyrubber  clothes  pin,  and  smile  on  yure  kus- 


A  LEKTURE  TO  MALE  YUNG  MEN  ONLY.   89 

tomers  like  a  sleeping  babe  trubbled  with  wind. 
Yu  wil,  without  doubt,  be  asked  tu  sa  whether  yu 
wil  be  a  pollytisian  or  a  blakleg,  both  equally  hon- 
orabil.  If  yu  hav  enny  reasonable  douts  about 
cheatin  yure  moste  intimate  frends,  and  aint  willing 
tew  be  seen  in  low  grogerys  on  lecktion  daze,  buy- 
ing votes  with  cheap  whiska  and  kounterfit  munny, 
and  dont  expek  tew  buy  yure  elekshun,  and  then 
sell  yure  prinsiples  tew  git  even  ;  if  yu  kant  go  this, 
and  tend  awl  the  churches  near  yu  in  rotashun,  and 
hear  folks  sa,  "What  an  ornyment  to  sosiety  he 
izl"  i  sa,  if  yu  kant  go  all  this  without  blushing, 
yu  will  ov  course  adopt  the  blakleg,  and  gain  an 
honest  living  bi  cheatin  on  the  square. 

Yung  men  yu  will  awl  detek  in  this  lekture  a 
frendla  feeling  towards  yu  bi  the  author,  and  if  yu 
foller  the  direckshuns  laid  down  above,  yu  wil  diskiv- 
er  the  wigglings  ov  yure  genius,  in  time  perhaps, 
tew  saive  yureselfs  from  cuming  the  govenor  ov  sum 
state,  when  natur  kindly  ramified  yu  for  a  carpenter 
and  jiner. 


XXXL 

CLEYER  FELLOWS. 

It  is  perfectly  astounding  how  full  ov  clever  fel- 
lows the  world  iz.  Yu  kan  find  them  almost  enny- 
where,  on  the  korner  ov  the  streets,  reddy  tew  say, 
"  mi  dear  fellow  how  are  yu  ?  "  and  adjourn  at  onst 
tew  the  hotell  and  take  a  drink  with  yu.  Yu  can 
find  them  in  the  churches,  reddy  tew  slap  yu  on  the 
back  and  take  yure  meazure  for  a  front  pew,  next 
tew  the  Hon.  Hannibal  Herring  Hallibut,  Esq.,  at 
the  lucid  figger  ov  $450  Dollars  per  year,  and  a 
liberal  chanse  at  the  contribushun  plate,  twice  evry 
Sunda.  Yu  kan  find  them  in  the  lucky  possession 
ov  a  blood  bay  pair  ov  geldings  sired  by  Casshus  M. 
PIlay,  and  jist  refused  tu  the  widder  ov  a  defunk 
}ope  biler,  at  $2700  dollars,  but  tew  yu  !  confideu- 
sially  !  tew  yu  !  !  tha  will  be  placed  at  $2000.  Yu 
k?\n  find  them  in  nominashun  for  congress,  bland, 
foj-J,  ^.nd  peculiar,  kneeling  tew  acksep  yure  sufrage 


CLEVER    FELLOWS.  91 

as  limber  az  a  lover,  ov  the  milk  weed  genus,  at  the 
balmorell  ov  a  ^30,000  Dollars  maiden. —  Yu  can 
find  them  reddj  tew  indorse  jure  paper,  yesterday, 
for  awl  the  munny  in  the  institushun.  Good  Lord  ! 
Good  Lord  !  how  thick  tha  are.  I  alwus  treat  theze 
fellers  kindly,  jist  az  tho  i  loved  them,  but  i  alwus 
stand  in  frunt  ov  them,  az  i  do  when  i  admire  a 
mule.  I  dont  think  tha  hav  az  mutch  malis  az  im- 
pudense,  and  sum  ov  them  are  so  innersent,  that  i 
really  beleaf  tha  think  tha  are  honest.  I  dont  think 
the  wurld  could  git  along  without  theze  clever  fel- 
ler, tha  ar  jist  what  keep  truth  above  par.  and  fur- 
nish the  romanse  ov  life  with  a  continual  freshness. 
I  sa,  long  live  theze  clever  fellers  !  and  when  tha 
die,  if  tha  kan  manage  tew  wiggle  themselves  into 
the  better  land,  i  am  the  last  man  who  will  desire  to 
step  on  their  tales. 


XXXII 

AFFERISIMS. 

God  save  the  phools  !  and  don't  let  them  run  out, 
for  if  it  want  for  them,  wise  men  couldn't  get  a 
livin. 

Sum  peoples  branes  are  located  in  their  heds. 

We  are  told  ''  that  there  want  enny thing  maid  in 
vain,"  but  i  hav  thought  that  awl  the  time  spent  in 
manufakturing  striped  snaix,  and  muskeeters,  waz 
wasted. 

If  thare  waz  nothing  but  truth  in  this  wurld,  a 
fool  would  stand  just  as  good  a  chanse  az  a  wize 
man. 

True  perlitenes  consists  in  being  anxus  about  the 
welfair  ov  uthers  ;  false  perliteness  consists  in  being 
verrj  anxus  about  nothing. 


AFFERISIMS.  93 

Robbers  are  like  rain,  tha  fall  on  the  just,  and 
the  unjust. 

If  a  man  iz  az  wize  az  a  sarpent,  he  can  afford 
to  be  as  harmless  as  a  dove. 

We  are  ap  tu   hate  them,  who  wont  take  our  ad- 
vise, and  despize  them  who  do. 

It  iz  dredful  eazj  tew  be  a  phool  —  a  man  kan  be 
one  and  not  know  it. 

Real  happiness  dont  consiss  so  mutch  in  what  a 
man  dont  hav,  az  it  duz,  in  what  he  dont  want. 

Fear  iz  the  fust  lesson  larnt,  and  the  laste  one 
forgotten. 

Noboddj  but  a  phool,  gits  bit  twise  bi  the  same 
do2 


XXXIII. 

ANSWERS  TO  CONTRIBUTORS. 

Josh  Billings  wants  it  respekfully  understood 
that,  tho  hiz  duta  az  sensor  ov  a  vartuous  press 
ockasionallj  kauses  him  tew  lite  onto  sum  contri- 
butors at  a  high  rate  ov  speed,  he  dus  it,  not  out 
ov  malis  tu  those  who  rite,  but  thru  grate  luv  and 
tribulashun  for  thoze  who  read : 

TO    CONTRIBUTORS. 

"  I  Hear  an  Angell  Wh'ispre.y  by  Clemantha. — 

Theze  lines  contain  more  poeckrj,  and  less  truth. 
The  fact  is,  Angells  don't  whispre,  if  tha  hav  got 
enny  thing  tew  sa,  tha  sa  it  rite  out  loud.  Tri  agin, 
Clemantha ;  rite  onto  kontentment,  or  happiness,  or 
sum  sich  subjec,  that  haint  never  bin  rit  onto. 

"  Slavery,  orda'med  ov   God^''^  bi  A.  D.  P. — 
This  produckshion  we  cant  accept.     We  are  bound 


ANSWERS   TO    CONTRIBUTORS.  95 

in  our  insuranse  polisy  not  tew  hav  on  hand  "  enny 
article  extra  hazardus  on  akount  ov  fire,"  and  we 
don't  want  tu  be  struk  bi  litenin,  nor  sent  tu  pur- 
gatory, and  looze  our  insurance  besides.  Further- 
more, writers  must  giv  us  their  names  in  full ; 
A.  D.  P.  mite  stand  for  A.  D — rn  Phiile,  and  we 
aint  a  doing  enny  bizness  with  them  kind  not  if  we 
are  credibly  informed. 

'  On  Pisgers  nobil  kites  i  stood,  communi'ri 
with  our  misesters,^'  bi  Clarensp.. — Blank  varse,  Vx 
grashus  !  If  my  memry  dont  fule  me,  this  iz  the 
same  spot  whare  Noer  stood,  with  the  Ark  previous- 
ly. We  aint  mutch  on  blank  varse,  but  think  we 
smel  a  rat.  We  hav  sent  the  peace  tew  the  '^  Kom- 
mitty  on  forrin  relashuns,"  and  if  tha  sa  the  peace  iz 
on  the  square,  it  will  be  published,  ackompanied 
with  a  full  sized  3  dollar  puff. 

'■'■  Epitajf  on  a  friend,''^  bi  Emeline  Parsojis. — • 
Epitaffs  are  played  out  with  us.  We  continu  tew 
publish  them,  at  25  cents  ahed,  az  we  du  deth  and 
weddings,  and  dont  hold  ourself  resposible  for  truth 
or  damage.  We  luv  tu  enkurage  genius  tho,  and 
advise  Emeline  Parsons  tu  diet,  and  keep  her  hand 
in  bi  riteinw  for  the  Nu  York  Leger. 


96  J03H    BILLINGS. 

"  Essa  on  Hurry kanes,'^  bi  Tempest  J un^ . — 
Wil  appear  jist  az  soon  az  the  hurrjkane  softens 
.^own  a  little.  This  writer  handles  a  hurrykane  the 
test  we  ever  see  it  did.  Hiz  deskripshun  resembles 
chain  litening  quietly.  He  maiks  the  grate  oaks 
tew  wiggle  lik  mad  sarpents,  and  the  roks  tew  bile 
and  bust  open,  and  the  hole  arth  tew  rumbil  az  tho 
it  had  the  kolick.  This  writer  could  git  up  a  ghost 
that  would  be  wurth  having.  Tempest  Jun'  will 
pleze  send  us  his  photergrafF,  we  want  a  personal 
iatervu. 


XXXIV. 

A  SHORT  AND  VERY  AFFEKTING  ESSA 
ON  MAN. 

Man  iz  a  problem  not  yet  solved,  made  out  ov 
dirt,  and  smells  ov  the  material.  He  waz  kreated  a 
little  lower  than  the  angells.  and  haz  bin  gittin  a 
little  lower  ever  sinse.  He  waz  given  a  butiful  hum, 
clus  tew  the  borders  ov  heaven,  the  fruit  and  the 
flower  waz  planted  for  him,  and  the  sweet  waters 
were  led  along  hiz  futpath,  birds  sung  onla  for  him, 
and  woman  was  bilt  tew  make  hiz  joy  komplete. 
The  lam  laid  her  hed  on  the  lion's  buzzum,  and  the 
viper  knu  not  ov  his  sting.  The  winds  waz  tempered 
with  soft  fragranse,  and  awl  things  had  onla  the 
soul  ov  innersence  in  them.  Guile  there  waz  none, 
fear  there  waz  none,  even  hope  thare  waz  none,  for 
thare  waz  nothing  tew  want.  This  waz  butiful  tew 
behold,  but  it  didn't  prove  enny  thing,  but  the  kind- 
ness ov  God.  Could  the  arth  be  peopled  ?  could 
6 


JOSH   BILLINGS. 

the  oseans  be  crossed  ?  could  the  forest  be  chopped 
down  ?  could  sittys  be  built  ?  could  enny  boddy  bo 
made  tew  work  when  thare  waz  nothing  to  hope  for 
and  nothino;  tew  want  ?  Man  waz  created  tew  gov- 
ern  a  world  ov  ruggidness,  and  he  couldn't  dew  it  hi 
being  as  harmless  as  a  dove ;  he  must  hav  a  touch 
ov  a  good  sized  sarpent  in  him,  or  he  would  hu.-; 
lived,  he  and  hiz  wife,  growing  butiful  and  useless, 
forever,  in  the  Garden  ov  Eden.  Man  never  waz 
bilt  for  the  Garden  ov  Eden  ;  he  waz  onla  put  thare 
tew  see  its  buty,  but  not  tew  enjoy  it  till  he  had 
arnt  it ;  not  tew  liv  thare  untill  a  weary  round  had 
bin  paced.  Eden  waz  hiz  kradle,  Eden  was  the  pla 
ground  ov  hiz  yung  Adamhood,  and  under  hiz  vine 
and  fig  treeze  waz  hiz  old  age  tew  be  gathered. 
How  menny  ov  the  countless  millions,  who  hav  gone 
forth  from  the  pearly  gate  ov  the  garden  hav  ever 
entered  agin?  Sum  few,  perhaps  hav  got  back, 
weary  and  worn,  sum  few  hav  got  back  within  sight 
ov  its  glory,  and  sleep  thare,  but  legions  lay  whare 
they  hav  fell  az  far  from  their  hum  az  wandering  feet 
could  carry  them ;  and  man  after  5,000  years  ov 
birthrite  tew  awl  the  glora  ov  heaven,  and  arth,  iz 
az  mutch  ov  a  problem  az  ever.  If  he  governs  the 
arth  —  if  the  lightnings  obey  him  —  if  art  iz  the 


A    SHORT    AND    VERT    AFFEKTING    ESSA    ON    MAN.      99 

monark  ov  natui,  and  if  even  the  angels  are  at 
times  tempted  tew  admire  him,  strugling  with  the 
sarpent,  iz  he  not,  at  this  day,  a  moste  magniiScent 
f^iilure  ?  kan  he,  who  haz  governed  so  mutch,  that 
even  angels  would  shudder  tew  attack,  can  he  gov- 
ern himself.  This  iz  the  problem.  It  iz  but  a  step 
from  the  furtherest  grave  tew  the  garden  ov  Eden. 
but  how  few  will  take  it.  We  awl  know  the  wa 
back  tew  the  kradle  ov  Eden.  We  awl  long  tew  be 
thare  asleep,  but  if  God  dont  take  us  in  hiz  arms, 
az  froward  children  are  taken,  how  few  thare  will 
be,  who  will  ever  git  hum.  Man  iz  the  problem, 
God  iz  the  solution. 


XXXV. 

THE  RASE  KOARSE. 


*'  Grate  rase  !  at  Sulphur  Flat  trotting  Park,  on 
Thursda,  April  9th,  for  a  puss  ov  13  dollars,  and  a 
bulls-eje  watch,  free  for  awl  hosses,  mares,  geldings, 
mules,  and  Jackasses  !  " 


Seeing  the  above  anounsement,  pasted  up  on  a 
gide  board,  at  "  Jamaka  rum  four  corners,"  and 
having  never  saw  a  boss  trot,  on  a  well  regulated 
rase  koarse,  for  the  improvement  ov  the  breed  ov 
hosses,  i  agreed  i  wud  go,  jist  tew  encourage  the 
breeding  ov  good  hosses.  I  found  the  village  of 
Sulphur  Flats  located  in  a  lot  and  well  watered  bi  a 
griss-mill  and  2  tannerjs.  The  prinsipal  buildings 
seem  tu  consiss  ov  a  tavern  stand,  3  groserjs,  an  in- 
surance offiss,  and  anuther  tavern  stand,  awl  con- 
dukted  on  strik  whiskee  prinsiples.  I  found  the 
inhabitants  a  good  deal  tired  in  their  religus  views 
and  i  thought  the  opening  wud  admit  3  or  4  mis- 
sionary s  abreast. 


THE    RASE    KOARSE.  101 

The  moste  prinsipal  bizness  ov  the  peopil  waz 
pealing  bark  in  the  winter,  and  pitchin  cents  az  soon 
az  warm  wether  sot  in.  I  asked  a  gentleman  pres- 
ent, who  ced  he  waz  a  reporter  for  "  The  Yung 
Man's  Christian  Gide,"  if  he  knew  what  the  pop- 
lashun  ov  the  plase  definitely  waz,  and  he  ced  ho 
definitely  didn't,  but  if  i  would  set  out  a  pail  ov 
whiskee,  with  a  dipper  into  it,  on  the  top  ov  a  hem- 
lock stump,  that  grew  in  front  ov  the  tavern,  it 
wouldn't  be  60  minnits  befour  i  cud  count  the  whole 
ov  them,  and  then  we  both  ov  us  smiled,  az  it  were, 
tew  onst.  Having  asked  sum  uther  inquirys,  ov  a 
mexed  natur,  i  santered  down  tu  where  the  rase 
koarse  waz. 

THE   TRACK. 

I  found  the  track  waz  about  a  mild  in  circumfer- 
ense,  and  ov  a  sandy  disposishun,  fensed  in  by  a 
kranbury  mash  on  one  side,  and  a  brush  fense  on 
tuther,  and  in  jist  about  3  minnet  condishun.  The 
judge's  stand  waz  an  ox  cart  surrounded  on  the 
sides  bi  a  ha  rigging,  and  the  reporters  waz  invited 
tew  git  intu  the  cart. 


102  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

THE   HOSSES 

Waz  a  gra  mare,  about  the  usual  stature,  not  verr^^ 
fat,  and  laboring  under  a  spring  halt,  which  tha  ced 
she  had  caught  ov  anuther  boss,  about  10  dajs  ago. 
Tha  ced  she  had  trotted  tu  a  kamp-meeting  last  fall 
inside  ov  a  verry  short  time,  and  that  her  back  bone 
•\vaz  awl  game.  I  asked  a  yung  man  with  long 
yeller  hair  and  bedtick  pantyloons  on,  who  waz 
currying  oph  the  mare,  what  her  pedigree  was,  and 
he  with  a  wink  tew  anuther  feller  who  stood  clus  bi, 
ced,  "  she  waz  got  bi  the  Landlord  out  ov  a  Meth- 
diss  minister,"  and  then  tha  both  lafFed.  I  found 
out  bi  inquirin,  that  her  name  waz  "  Fryin-Pan." 
The  uther  boss  waz  a  red  boss,  rather  hastily  kon- 
structed,  with  a  spare  tale  on  him,  which  tha  ced 
waz  kaused  by  his  trotting  so  fast,  in  a  windy  day  ;  i 
shud  think  he  waz  about  5  feet  and  a  haf  in  bite, 
and  ov  a  kickin  natur.  Tha  ced  he  waz  a  stranger  in 
theze  parts,  and  that  his  rite  name  waz  "  Juise  Harp." 

FUST   HEAT. 

The  bosses  both  cum  up  tew  the  skore  in  the  im- 
mejiate  visinity  ov  each   uther,  and  got  the   wurd 


THE    RASE    KOARSE.  103 

tew  go,  the  fust  time.  The  gra  mare  waz  druv  bi 
'•  Dave  Larkin."  and  the  boss  was  handled  bi 
"  Ligh  Turner."  Tha  trotted  sublimely,  az  clus  az 
the  Siamese  twins  ;  the  mare  with  her  bed  hi  up  and 
her  noze  full  ov  winde  ;  the  boss  waz  stretched  out 
tite,  like  a  chalk  line  ;  tha  passed  the  baf  mile  pole 
simultaneously,  time,  2  minnits.  Now  the  kontost 
becum  exsiting,  "Dave"  hollered,  and  "Ligh" 
yelled  —  on  tha  kum,  the  mare  gru  higher,  and  the 
boss  gru  longer — tha  make  the  lust  turn  tew  onst 

—  tha  look  like  a  dubble  team  —  the  exsitement 
grows  more  intensely  —  the  crowd  sways  to  and  fro 

—  the  ox  cart  trembles  —  tha  cum  !  tha  cum  !  sich 
Bhouting.  sich  yelling,  sich  swearing,  sich  chawing 
terbacker,  waz  never  bei"d  before ;  the  mare  iz  abed  ! 

—  no,  the  boss  iz  abed  !  'tis  even,  'tis  a  ded  bete,  tha 
pass  the  ox-kart  —  the  boss  wins  bi  S  quarters  ov  an 
inch,  time  4  minnits  lacking  2  seckunds. 

REMARKS. 

The  bosses  ar  surrounded  bi  a  crowd  ov  men, 
wimmin,  and  children.  Each  party  are  sanguinary 
ov  suckces.  The  bettin  iz  2  quarts  ov  whiskee  to 
anything,  on  the  red  boss.     At  this  junkttire  the 


104  JOSH    BILLLNGS. 

gentleman,  reporter  for  the  Young  Man's  Christian 
Gide,  propozed  tew  bet  75  cents  that  the  mare  wud 
•win  the  nex  heat ;  i  tuk  the  proposishun  forthwithlj, 
and  the  steaks,  bi  mutual  consent,  was  placed  in  mi 
hat  and  sot  under  the  kart,  and  here  let  me  stait, 
before  i  forget  it,  that  i  haint  saw  the  steaks  nor  the 
hat  sinse. 

SECKUND   HEAT. 

The  bosses  .  oth  sho  signs  ov  distress.  The  gra 
mare's  ears  hang  down  the  side  ov  her  bed,  like  two 
wet  rags,  and  the  boss  rests  his  tale  on  the  ground. 
Tha  go  slola  bak  tew  the  distanse  pole,  and  cum  up 
agin  tew  the  skore,  az  tho  tha  waz  yoked  together. 
Awa  tha  go;  the  boss  a  leetle  abed.  The  boss 
leads  tew  the  haf  mild  pole  in  2:30.  On  the  bak 
stretch,  "  Dave  "  went  at  the  mare  with  biz  long 
purswader ;  she  trots  like  litening,  she  passes  the 
boss !  no !  she  busts !  she  busts !  and  befour 
"Dave"  cud  flatten  her  down  tew  her  work,  sho 
broke  from  the  trak  and  trotted  clean  up  tew  her 
hips  in  the  krambery  mash.  The  boss  cum  in  awl 
alone,  trotting  fast,  and  so  clus  down,  that  2  feet 
ov  his  tale  dragged  on  the  ground.     Time  ov  this 


THE    RASE    KOARSE.  105 

heat,  not  fur  from  5  minnits.  "  Juise  Harp  "  win- 
ning, bi  a  quarter  ov  a  mild.  Thus  ended  the  grate 
rase  at  "  Sulphur  Flats."  I  immejiatelj  started  on 
foot  for  "  Jamaka  Rum  four  corners,"  bare  headed, 
but  full  J  impressed  that,  the  men,  and  even  whiskee 
mite  deterjoate,  the  breed  ov  bosses  must  begin  tew 
improve  in  that  seckshun  ov  the  kuntrj  in  a  fu  dais. 

6» 


XXXVI. 
•'GIV  THE  DEVIL  HIZ  DUE. ' 

This  z  good  advise.  I  don't  kno  who  waz  the 
auther  c  7  it,  if  I  did,  i  wud  go  for  rewarding  him, 
either  with  a  sett  ov  plated  ware,  or  a  prize  in  the 
art  union.  No  man  kould  giv  better  advise,  or  con- 
solashun ;  he  ought  tew  hav  a  2  story  monament, 
when  he  dize,  with  an  epitaff  on  it,  founded  on  fack  ; 
he  ought  tew  hav  at  leaste  fifteen  hundred  little 
children  named  after  him  each  year ;  he  ought  tew 
be  nussed  in  men's  memorys  like  a  plesant  dreme, 
that  afterwards  turned  out  tew  be  true.  He  ought 
to  hav  his  fotograph  taken  bi  evry  new  sky-lite  in 
the  land,  he  ought  tew  be  sett  tew  musick,  and  be 
sung  in  conneckshun  with  the  docksaloger ;  he  ought 
tew  be  stereotyped,  so  that  nu  edishuns  could  con- 
stantly be  worked  oph  tew  meet  the  pressing  de- 
mand. 

"  Giv  the  Devil  hiz  due."     Yung  man,  this  ad« 


"  GIV   THE    DEVIL   HIZ   DUE."  107 

vise  was  got  up  for  yu.  If  yu  owe  the  Devil  enny- 
tbing  pay  him  off  at  onse,  and  then  discharge  him, 
and  dont  hire  him  over  agin  at  enny  prise.  That's 
what  the  author  ment.  Be  honest,  pay  even  the 
devil,  if  yu  owe  him.  but  dont  owe  him  agin.  If 
the  proprietor  ov  this  most  worthy  proverb,  "  Giv 
the  devil  hiz  due,"  still  lives,  altho  i  haint  had  the 
pleasure  ov  an  introducksion  tew  him,  if  he  ever 
wants  enny  thing,  even  good  advise,  he  kan  git  it  in 
awl  natiff  purity  and  innersense,  bi  dropping  a  line 
tu  his  everlasting  well  wisher. 

Josh  Billings. 


XXXVII. 

WATCH  DOGS. 

Mi  dearlj  beloved  christian  friend,  did  yu  ever 
visit  enny  body  ?  Did  yu  ever  visit  enny  boddy 
who  resided  in  the  subburbs  ?  Did  yu  ever  visit 
enny  boddy  who  resided  in  the  subburbs,  and  kept  a 
grate  lank,  watery-eyed,  yeller  dog,  with  very  long 
hare  on  hiz  bak  ?  —  Did  yu  ever  hav  this  grate  lank, 
yeller-devil  dog  cum  loping  down  tu  the  frunt  gate, 
tu  welcum  yu  with  a  hiena  yowl,  and  with  the  long 
hare  on  hiz  bak  pitching  forward  az  tho  it  wud  cum 
out  bi  the  rutes,  and  his  tale  awl  swelled  up  like  a 
settin  hen's  ?  Kan  yu  rekolek  the  horrid  fear  that 
seized  upon  yu,  and  fi'oze  yu  fast  tu  the  arth,  az  the 
monster  foamed  in  rage  around  yu  ?  Yu  gaze  in 
agny  tords  the  hous  —  it  seems  3  weeks  at  least. 
At  last  the  frunt  door  kautiously  opens  —  yura 
lady  friend  recognizes  yu  :  "  Bless  me  !  Mrs.  Ding- 
ier, how  glad  i  am  tew  cee  yu  !  dew  cum  rite   in. 


WATCH   DOGS.  109 

How  pale  the  walk  hag  made  yu  !  Tiger  !  Tiger  ! 
hush  yu  !  He  is  onla  glad  tew  cee  yu.  Dew  cum 
rite  in.  Mrs.  Bingler."  ]Mrs.  Bingler,  let  me  ask 
yu  a  question,  privately  :  "  Dew  yu  kandidly  think 
that  the  luv  yu  bare  for  yure  lady  friend,  Mrs. 
Baremore,  who  livs  in  the  subberbs,  iz  enny  kind  ov 
atonement  for  the  hate  and  horror  that  yu  will  al- 
wus  hav  for  the  grate  lank,  watery-eyed,  yeller  dog 
Tiger  that  she  keeps  tew  welcum  her  visitors  with  ? 
If  yu  dew,  please  address,  postage  paid,  Josh  Bil- 
lings. Box  467,  Pokeepsie  sitty. 


XXXVIII. 

ANSWER  TO  CONTRIBUTORS. 

Amei'ikiis. — Your  contiibushun  is  in  hand.  Wo 
like  its  fluidness.  It  is  like  ile  on  a  side  hill.  Na- 
tur  haz  did  a  good  thing  for  yu,  and  yu  ought  tew 
be  willing  tew  dew  a  good  thing  for  natur.  This 
line  in  your  produkshun  strikes  us  as  very  butiful 
and  original ;  "  And  larn  the  luxury  of  dewing 
good."  Gold  smith  hisself  mite  hav  bin  proud  ov 
sich  a  line.  And  again  ;  "  Oh  would  sum  power  the 
gifty  giv  us,  ov  seeing  oursels  as  uthers  cee  us  :  " 
yure  idee  ov  indroducing  the  sketch  acksent  into 
yure  stile,  is  verry  happee.  If  yu  never  hav  red 
Robert  Burns,  yu  will  be  suprised  to  larn  that  his 
style  verry  mutch  resembles  yures  Onse  more  3'u 
sa  ;  "If  ignoranse  is  bliss,  tis  folly  tew  be  wise." 
Tills  sentiment  is  jist  as  tru  as  tis  common.  Pope, 
I  think,  has  surathing  similar ;  but  awl  grate  minds 
sometimes  express  theirselfs  alike.     Yure  contribu- 


AXSWERS   TO    CONTRIBUTORS.  Ill 

slmn  will  appear  in  our  nex  issu,  with  a  ivood  cut 
pilvtur  ov  a  saw  buck  at  the  top  ov  it. 

Beta — I  think  sumlj  as  yu  do,  "  this  wurld  is  all 
a  fleetin  cirkus,  for  man's  illushun  given,"  but  that 
aint  no  rezon  for  not  pitching  in  and  being  illusion- 
ed  onse  in  a  while.  I  wouldn't  giv  a  cent  for  a  man 
who  hadn't  bin  illusioned,  and  who  didn't  expect  tew 
be  several  times  agin. 

Mathew. — I  see  bi  jure  letter  that  yu  hav  de- 
termined tew  studdy  ministry.  Yu  sa  yu  hav 
doubts  about  yure  talents  being  enufily  tew  make  a 
minister  ;  i  don't  think  that  ought  tew  bluff  yu  oph, 
for  i  hav  saw  menny  men  ov  almity  mean  tallents, 
who  got  tew  be  first  rate  ministers. 

Philander. — Yu  ask  me  which  iz  the  most  best, 
the  marrid  or  the  single  condishun  ?  —  Most  evry 
boddy.  at  sum  time  in  their  life,  has  tried  the  single 
state ;  also,  moste  evry  boddy  haz  hankered  after 
the  double  state,  or  married  condishun.  I  hav 
tried  both  states,  and  am  reddy  to  sware,  that  if  a 
man  kan  git  a  Avoman  who  kan  fri  pancakes  on  both 
sides  without  burning  them,  and  dont  hanker  tew 


112  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

be  a  wimmin's  kommittj,  the  marrid  state  iz  a  heav- 
en and  arth,  awl  tew  onst.  But  after  awl  the  mar- 
ried state  is  a  good  deal  like  falling  out  ov  a  cherry 
tree,  if  a  person  don't  happen  tew  git  hurt,  it  is  a 
good  reason  for  not  trieing  it  agin. 


XXXIX. 

REMARKS. 

It  is  highly  important,  when  a  man  makes  up  his 
minde  tew  bekum  a  raskall,  that  he  shud  examine 
hisself  clusly,  and  see  if  he  aint  better  konstructed 
for  a  phool. 

I  argy  in  this  way,  if  a  man  is  right  he  cant  be 
too  radikal,  if  he  is  rong  he  kant  be  too  conser- 
vatiff. 

"  Tell  the  truth,  and  shame  the  Devil ;  "  i  kno 
lots  ov  people,  who  can  shame  the  devil  easy  enuff 
but  the  tother  thing  bothers  them. 

If  yu  don't  beleaf  in  "  total  depravity,"  buy  a 
quart  ov  gin  and  studdy  it. 

Their  is  one  advantage  in  a  plurality  ov  wifes ; 
tha  fite  each  other,  insted  ov  their  hustbands. 


.114  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

It  is  a  verrj  delicate  job  to  forgive  a  man,  with- 
out lowering  him  in  his  own  estimashun,  and  yurea 
too. 

As  a  gineral  thing,  when  a  woman  wares  the 
britches,  she  has  a  good  rite  tew  them. 

I  am  poor,  and  I  am  glad  that  i  am,  for  i  find 
that  wealth  makes  more  people  mean,  than  it  duz 
generous. 

Woman's  inflooense  is  powerful  —  espeshila  when 
she  wants  ennj  thing. 

No  man  luvs  tu  git  beat,  but  it  is  better  tew  git 
beat  than  tew  be  rong. 


Awl  kind  ov  bores  are  a  nuisance,  but  it  is  bet- 
r   tew 
gimblet. 


ter   tew   be   bored   with   a  2  inch    auger,  than   a 


''  Be  sure  yu  are  rite  then  go  ahed ;  "  but  in 
kase  ov  doubt  go  ahed  enny  wa. 

Sekts  and  creeds  ov  religion,  are  like  pocket  com- 


REMARKS.  115 

pesses,  good  enuff  tu  pinte  out  the   direction,  but 
the  nearer  the  pole  yu  git  the  wuss  tha  wurk. 

The  rode  tew  Ruin  ia  alwus  kept  in  good  repair, 
and  the  travellers  paj  the  expense  ov  it. 

If  a  man  begins  life  bi  being  fust  Lutenant  in  bis 
familee,  he  never  need  to  look  for  promoshun. 

I  hav  got  as  much  munnj  as  sum  folks,  but  i  hav 
got  as  much  impudence  as  enny  ov  them,  and  that 
is  the  next  thing  tew  munny. 

It  aint  often  that  a  man's  reputashun  outlasts  his 
munny. 

Dont  mistake  arroganse  for  wisdum  ;  menny  peo- 
ple hav  thought  tha  was  wise,  when  tha  was  onla 
windy. 

The  man  who  kant  git  abed,  without  pulling 
others  back,  iz  a  limited  cuss. 

Woman  will  sumtimes  confess  her  sins,  but  i  nev- 
er knu  one  tu  confess  her  faults. 


116  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

Thare  is  onla  one  advantage,  that  i  kan  see,  in 
going  tew  the  Devil,  and  that  is,  the  rode  is  easj, 
and  yu  are  sure  tew  git  thare. 

Lastly  —  i  am  violently  opposed  tu  arden  spee- 
rits  as  a  bevridge,  but  for  manufaktering  purposes, 
i  tliink  a  leetle  of  it  tastes  good. 


XL. 

AN  ESSA  ONTO  MUSIK. 

**  Musick  hath  charms  to  sooth  a  savage. 
^     To  rend  a  rok  or  split  a  kabbage." 

So  tlia  tell  me,  but  i  shud  rather  trj  a  revolver 
on  the  savage,  a  blast  ov  powder  on  the  rok,  and 
good  sharp  vinegar  on  the  kabbage.  I  haint  searched 
history  tew  diskiver  who  giv  the  first  consert  ov 
musik.  We  are  told,  that  in  those  days  "  the  stars 
sang  together,"  but  in  theze  days  yu  kant  git  stars 
tew  sing  together.  We  often  hear  it  said,  "  that 
such  a  person  haz  a  good  ear  for  musik."  I  don't 
fellership  this  remark ;  awl  a  person  wants  tew  un- 
derstand musik  with,  is  a  good  soul;  a  "good  ear" 
liaint  got  ennj  more  tew  du  with  it  than  a  good  sett 
ov  brains  has  tu  do  with  charity.  Musical  crickets 
insist  that  if  the  gammut  aint  rite,  the  musik  aint 
rite  ;  this  is  awl  nonsense  ;  the  gammut  haint  got 
enny  more  tew  du  with  a  musick-hungry  man,  than 


118  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

a  knife  and  fork  has  with  his  dinner,  if  he  is  real 
hungry  he  can  eat  with  his  fingers.  Musick  want 
got  up  tew  make  us  wise,  but  better  natured.  How 
much  opera  musick  dew  you  suppose  it  wud  taik 
tu  make  a  man  cry  ?  Folks  will  tell  yu  that  such 
an  "  overture  fria  dabulo  "  (or  sum  uther  furrin  big 
named  thing)  "  waz  moste  heavenly  rendered/'  tha 
mite  as  well  tell  me  that  a  pumpkin  pie  was  heaven- 
ly rendered.  What  do  i  care  about  the  rendering, 
if  i  don't  git  a  piece  ov  the  pie  ?  Let  some  Prime 
Donner,  or  Mezzer  Soapraner,  or  Barry  town  Base, 
or  some  sich  latin  individual,  cum  into  this  village, 
and  histe  their  flag,  and  hav  a  programmy  ov  sing- 
ing as  long  as  a  sarch  warrant,  and  as  hard  tu  spell 
out  as  a  Chinese  proklamashun  ritten  upside  down, 
and  taxed  seventy-five  cents  for  a  preserved  seat, 
and  moste  evrybody  will  go  tu  hear  it,  bekause 
moste  everybody  else  dus,  and  will  sa,  evry  now  and 
then,  (out  loud)  "  how  bewitching  !  how  delishus  ! 
how  egstatick  !  "  and  nineteen  out  ov  evry  twenty- 
one  ov  them  wouldn't  kno  it  if  the  performance  wa3 
a  burlesk  on  their  grandmother.  Wouldn't  it  be 
fun  tew  cee  one  ov  these  opera  singers  undertake  tu 
rok  a  baby  tu  sleep  ?  i  gess  thare  wud  be  two  parta 
carried  tu  that  song  about  that  time.     Suppoze  yu 


AN    ESSA    ONTO    MUSIK.  119 

shud  come  home  at  nite,  a  wearj  boy,  and  la  yure 
lied  in  mother's  lap,  and  she  shud  let  out  a  opera, 
gooc  Lord  !  wouldn't  yu  think  yure  mother  was  a 
lunatik,  or  ought  to  be  one  at  onst,  tu  save  her  kar- 
acter.  '  Korrect  taist,"  iz  anuther  big  wurd  ;  ive 
herd  folks  uze  it  whose  finger  nales  wanted  cleaning, 
Musik,  after  all,  is  sumthing  like  vittels,  the  more 
cooking  and  seasoning  we  uze,  the  more  we  have  to 
hav,  till  after  awhile  we  kant  enjoy  ennything  ov  the 
vittels  but  the  pepper. —  Opera  dont  hav  enny  more 
loosening  aflfeck  on  me,  than  caster  ile  wud  on  a  grav- 
en image.  I  set  and  gaze,"  and  hark,  and  cee  the 
whole  aujence  in  hirogliphicks,  and  awl  i  kan  do  iz 
tu  git  mad  that  sich  stuff  is  called  musik.  But  awl 
the  reasoning  in  the  wurld  wont  convince  menny  peo- 
ple that  tha  haint  got  a  rite  tew  go  into  fits  over  an 
opera  tha  dont  understand  a  word  ov ;  it  iz  the  fash- 
ion tew  expire  and  hav  their  souls  dissolve  in  latin  at 
the  rate  ov  seventy-five  cents,  an  it  haz  got  to  be  did, 
"  sink  or  swim,  survive  or  perish."  If  enny  boddy 
wants  tu  go  and  hear  a  man  or  woman  disgorge  mu- 
sik, that  has  more  kolik  than  melody  into  it,  i  sup- 
pose (under  the  constitushun)  tha  hav  jist  the  same 
rite  tew  crusifi  themselves  enny  uther  wa,  for  sura- 
body's  else  sins  that  tha  dont  kno  the  natur  of. 


XLI. 

"MAN  WAZ  MADE  TEW  MOURN." 

This  waz  the  private  opinion  ov  one  Burns,  a 
Skotchman,  who  waz  verj  edikated  tew  poetri  from 
his  infansj.  I  and  he  differ,  which  is  not  uncom- 
mon among  grate  minds.  The  ornarj  minds  in  this 
wurld  are  disposed  tew  coinside,  which  iz  the  reson 
whi  superstitions  prevale  so  mutch.  Tew  differ  up- 
on matters  with  anuther  is  a  fair  presumpshun  that 
yu  are  in  the  habit  ov  smelling  ov  things  before  yu 
swaller  them.  Man  warnt  made  tew  ipourn,  man 
waz  made  tew  laff.  He  iz  the  onla  creeter  or  thing 
that  God  made  tew  laff  out  loud.  It  iz  tru  he 
knows  how  to  mourn,  so  duz  the  animills  kno  how, 
the  birds  can  tell  their  sorrows,  and  the  flowers  kan 
hang  their  pretty  beds.  Man  waz  made  tew  smile, 
tew  laff,  tew  haw  !  tew  thro  up  his  hat,  and  sing 
lialleluger.  Man  waz  made  tew  praze  God,  and  he 
cant  dew  it  bi  mourning.     Awl  the  mourning  thare 


Josh  Billings  wants  to  know  -why  it  is  that  so  many  women  who 
are  so  thin  in  the  'ace,  stick  out  so  everjTvhere  el&c— See  page  122. 


-  "man  waz  made  to  mourn."  121 

iz  in  this  wurld  was  introduced  bi  man  ;  man  warnt 
made  tew  mourn  any  more  than  he  was  made  to 
crawl.  Tharfore  i  sa  tew  awl  men  and  women,  stop 
crying  and  go  tew  laffing,  yu  will  last  longer,  and 
git  fatter  and  stand  jist  as  good  a  chanse  tew  git  tew 
heaven  with  a  smile  on  your  countenanse,  as  yu 
will  with  yure  fase  leaking  at  every  pore.  I  sa 
n;an  want  made  tew  mourn,  if  he  had  bin  he  would 
not  hav  bin  put  in  Paradise,  whare  every  thing  else 
was  made  in  the  image  ov  smiles. 

P.  S. — I  don't  want  ennybody  tew  think  that  i 
am  down  on  Burns,  for  i  dew  consider  him  the  most 
I'oet  that  ever  lived.  I  had  ruther  be  the  authur  ov 
one  poum  i  kno  ov,  that  he  rit,  than  tew  be  king 
and  queen  ov  England,  and  keep  a  boss  and  car- 
riage ;  but  "  man  warnt  made  tew  mourn  "  Robert 
Burns,  he  iz  the  kause  of  hiz  own  sorrow.  For 
enny  further  informashun  tutching  this  subjek,  ad- 
dress, post  paid,  with  stamp  enclosed. 

Josh  Billings. 


XLII. 

PROVERBS. 

What  a  sarkasm  it  is  tew  a  ded  man's  memory, 
tew  ask  "  how  much  munny  he  left  ?  " 

I  don't  like  tew  be  alwus  a  asking  questions,  but 
i  would  really  like  tu  kno  whi  it  is  that  so  manny 
wimmin  who  are  so  thin  in  the  face,  stick  out  so 
every  where  else  ! 

Tha  tell  ov  an  orful  sharp  feller  out  west,  who 
broke  out  ov  an  alms  houze  and  made  sixteen  hun- 
dred and  thirty  two  -^^^q  dollars,  in  the  substitude 
bizness,  before  tha  kould  ketch  him. 

The  bible  asks  us,  "  what  will  it  profEtt  a  man, 
if  he  gain  the  whole  world  and  loze  hiz  own  soul  ?  " 
i  suppose  this  depends  sumwhat  upon  the  size  ov  tlio 
soul,  i  think  thare  are  kases  whare  the  trade  would 
do. 


PROVERBS.  123 

The  term  "  skunked,"  which  we  often  hear  ap- 
plied tew  them  that  gits  beat,  waz  diskovered  in 
this  wa :  a  Radikal  and  a  Conservatiff,  went  out 
hunting  skunks.  The  Radikal  diskovered  one  at 
sum  distanse  off  and  without  trieing  tew  git  nearer, 
drew  up  his  musquet,  and  shot  him  ded.  The  Con- 
sarvatiff  undertook  tew  ketch  his  skunk  alive,  and 
the  konsequents  waz,  he  got  —  skunked. 

The  old  proverb  sez,  "  Giv  the  Devil  his  due  !  " 
if  this  is  put  thru,  what  will  bekum  ov  yu,  mi 
friend  ?  and  the  rest  ov  the  —  nabors  ? 


XLIII. 

KISSING  CONSIDERED. 

"Man  was  made  tew  mourn,''  so  warbled  Bums, 
"and  woman  was  made  tew  kiss,"  so  warbles  Bil- 
lings. One  ov  these  centiments  haz  bin  alreddy  im- 
mortalised, and  the  other  i  intend  shall  be  as  soon 
as  the  Legislater  meets.  I  am  not  yet  lusid  how  i 
shall  bring  the  matter  befoar  that  honorabil  boddj . 
but  i  dew  kno  how  the  honorabel  boddy  feals  on  the 
subject,  and  how  tha  will  act  if  ever  tha  hav  a  good 
chanse.  To  give  a  fertile  and  golden  opinyun,  up- 
on kissing  in  the  lump,  and  kissing  in  the  detale,  re- 
quires a  man  ov  truth,  and  sum  experiense  in  taste- 
ing- 

IN    THE   LUMP. 

Kissing  iz  one  ov  those  fu  things  that  is  easier 
dun  than   deskribed  ;   in  fack,  about   the   onla   way 


KISSING    CONSIDERED.  125 

tew  deskribe  it  well  is  tew  do  it  well.  It  iz,  witln 
out  doubt,  a  verrj  anshunt  enterprise  ;  and  judgeing 
from  what  we  kno  ov  human  natur  in  this  latitude, 
it  must  hav  struk  Adam  as  a  good  investment  when 
he  fust  diskovered  hiz  wife.  If  Adam  didn't  kiss 
Eve  at  sight  he  aint  the  man  i  take  him  tew  be  ; 
and  if  Eve  didn't  relish  it,  it  must  hav  bin  bekause 
it  want  well  did.  Thare  iz  one  thin^;  about  kissins 
in  the  lump,  diffrent  from  the  rest  ov  the  fine  arts 
and  that  iz,  it  don't  require  ennj  eddikashun  tew 
dew  it ;  i  hav  even  thort  that  the  more  unedikated 
it  waz  did  (provided  it  didn't  miss  the  mark)  the 
more  touch  in  w  it  was  tew  behold.  But  kissino;  is  a 
good  deal  like  eating  ;  thare  is  not  much  fun  (when 
a  person  iz  hungry)  in  standing  by,  and  see  it  did 
bi  anuther  fellow,  if  it  iz  did  ever  so  well.  It  is 
one  ov  the  cheapess  and  healthyess  luxurys  ov  the 
season,  and  don't  sho  enny  disposishun  tew  go  out 
ov  fashion,  and  will  keep  sweet  in  enny  climate. 
Upon  the  Avhole,  if  yu  examine  kissing  in  the  lump, 
clussly,  yu  will  be  led  tew  exclaim  :  Fustly,  that  it 
iz  as  easy  tew  hav  it  did,  az  it  is  handy  tew  dew  it. 
Sekundly,  that  it  is  like  Cowpers  tea,  it  cures  a 
man  without  corning  him  ;  and,  Thirdly,  it  is  a 
frugal,  highly  consentrated,  and  reverend  luxury. 


126  JOSH   BILLINGS. 


IN   DETALE, 


When  we  cum  tew  thro  oph  glittering  generalitys 
and  approach  our  subjeck  in  single  file,  it  is  then 
that  the  divinitee  ov  the  art  seems  to  be  spotted  ; 
and  reveals  tew  us  awl  the  shades  ov  pomp  and  sir- 
kumstanze,  from  the  sublime  and  tender,  clear  down 
tew  the  redikilus  and  tuff.  Mother's  kiss  and  little 
baby's  kiss  are  az  pure  az  the  utterance  ov  angells  ; 
so  is  the  artless  kiss  ov  sister  Mary  and  —  couzin 
Fanny ;  but  thare  iz  one  cold,  blu,  lean  kiss,  that 
alwus  makes  me  shiver  tew  see.  Two  persons  (ov 
the  femail  perswashun)  who  hav  witnesst  a  grate 
menny  younger  and  more  pulpy  daze,  meet  in  sum 
publik  plase,  and  not  having  saw  each  uther  for  24 
hours  tha  kiss  immegiately ;  then  tha  talk  about 
the  weather,  and  the  young  man  who  preached  yes- 
terday, and  then  tha  kiss  immegiately,  and  then 
tha  blush  and  laff  at  what  tha  sa  tew  each  other, 
and  kiss  agin  immegiately.  I  would  not  objeckt 
tew  awl  this  if  it  want  sich  a  waste  ov  swetness 
on  the  dessart  air.  I  am  willing  tew  be  sworn 
that  this  kind  ov  kissing  alwus  puts  me  in  minde 
ov  two  olde  flints  tricing  tew  strike  fire.  How 
different  this   from    the   konnubial   kiss  i  witnesst 


KISSING   CONSIDEKED.  127 

laste  nite.  I  knu  he  wast  a  husband  jist  got  back 
from  a  bizzness  tower,  bi  hiz  haste.  He  passt  me 
at  the  korner  below,  and  awl  unexpected  enkoun- 
tered  hiz  wife,  and  as  natral  as  the  bee  tew  the 
the  flower,  tha  flu  together.  Thare  want  ennj  thing 
sentimental  about  that  kiss  ;  thare  want  ennj  thing 
criminal  about  it.  It  rang  out  on  the  air  as  clear 
as  the  challenge  ov  a  perlice  offiser  —  it  filled  a 
whole  block.  Thare  want  mutch  prelimnary  about 
it  neither,  for  it  smashed  a  50  dollar  bonnett,  and 
muxed  up  a  barricade  ov  edging  and  frizzled  tucker. 
It  want  the  fust  one,  it  waz  tew  well  did  for  that. 
It  want  the  sipping  ov  two  trembling  lovers,  afraid 
ov  the  echo  ;  it  want  studdjed  out  nor  stolen,  but  i* 
wast  full  ov  honest  ripeness  and  chastened  struggle 
which  made  me  hanker  for  —  for,  one  oph  from  the 
same  peace.  Jist  one  more  remark  and  I  am  thru. 
Thare  is  one  kind  ov  kissing  that  has  alwus  been 
deeemd  extra  hazardous  (on  akount  ov  fire)  and 
that  is  kissing  yure  naber's  wife.  Gitting  the 
wife's  consent  don't  seem  tew  make  the  matter  enny 
the  less  risky. 

Moral. — Don't   eat  onions   during   the   kissing 
Beazon  unless  yu  chew  them  well. 


XLIV. 
FOR  A  FU  MINNITS  AMUNG  THE  SPEERITS. 

Bi  invitashun  i  had  the  happiness  tew  attend  a 
speerit  cirkle  in  the  good  old  town  ov  Billingsville 
last  week.  A  long  haired  feller  bi  the  name  of  Pro- 
fesser  McGuire,  with  a  face  that  looked  like  a 
sucked  lemon,  waz  the  midwife  ov  the  okasion.  It 
seemed  that  a  Mister  Bloodgood  wanted  a  dispatch 
from  Miss  Jerusha  Perkins,  who,  he  claimed,  was  in 
the  speerit  land.  After  the  kandcl  waz  subdued 
and  strikt  silence  ensued,  sum  ov  the  alfiredest 
thumps  took  plase  on  the  tabel ;  mi  hair  begin  tew 
Stan  up,  and  i  wished  i  waz  out  ov  the  consarn  ;  but 
after  taking  an  akount  ov  stock  i  cum  tew  the  infer- 
ence that  i  could  knock  the  spots  oph  from  the  whole 
bileing  ov  them,  if  it  cum  to  actooal  bizzness  i 
agreed  tew  set  still  and  see  the  whole  sport. 

In  a  fu  space  ov  time  McGuire  begin  tew  git  news 


"man  avaz  made  to  mourn."  129 

from  Jerusha,  which  he  ced  waz  official  and  waz  in  the 
shape  ov  a  letter,  and  he  wud  translate  it  as  fellers : 
May  2(nh,  SpEEPax  Land,  1846. 

"  Dear  Augustus  Sidney  Bloodgood :  Having  a 
fu  spare  time  tew  devote  terestial  things,  i  take  mi 
pen  in  hand  tew  rite  yu  a  fu  lines.  I  am  well,  and 
hope  theze  fu  lines  will  find  yu  enjoying  the  same 
blessin.  I  Iiav  jist  returned  from  the  gardin  07 
Eden  whare  i  hav  bin  with  Dave  Sturgiss,  who  wa3 
killed  at  the  battell  ov  Gettisburg  bi  gitting  choked 
with  a  pease  ov  hard  tacks.  The  weather  iz  fine, 
and  there  iz  evry  prospeck  ov  krops  ;  I  never  see 
the  potaters  look  finer.  Dri  goods  is  cheap  here,  yu 
can  buy  good  factory  cottin  cloth,  yard  wide,  for 
eleven  cents  a  yard  and  hav  thred  thrown  in.  I  see 
the  Widder  Bostwick  yesterday,  she  looks  as  starched 
up  as  ever. 

"  Would  yu  beleaf  it,  dear  Augustus,  that  ugly 
Miss  Snubdin  is  here,  how  yu  used  tew  hate  her  ! 
yu  kno  yu  used  tew  sa  that  she  wud  go  tew  that  uther 
land  ov  speerits.  Let  me  hear  from  yu  oftin  thru 
the  dear  McGuire.  Me  and  anuther  speerit  bi  the 
name  of  Julia  roost  on  the  same  celestial  tree,  and 
we  oftin  talk  over  the  fellers  we  used  tu  know,  and 
yu  kan  bet  high,  dear  Augustus,  that  yu  are  the 
6* 


180  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

one  that  i  brag  on.  Don't  let  enny  ov  them  teres- 
tial  mortals  fool  yu  with  their  luv,  for  Jerusha's  es- 
sence has  no  aflSnitee  but  for  her  corporeal  jeTvell, 
Augustus  Sidney  Bloodgood." 

At  this  junkter  thare  waz  6  raps  on  the  tabel 
about  az  fast  and  loud  az  tho  there  waz  playing 
kards,  and  sumboddy  about  being  eukered ;  then 
awl  was  still  and  the  kandels  waz  lit,  and  evryboddy 
sot  in  aw  and  amazement.  The  sircle  broke  up  im- 
mejiately,  and  i  passed  out  with  mi  frend,  who  asked 
me  what  i  thought  ov  speerit  manifestashuns  now. 
J  told  him  i  thought  if  evrything  waz  on  the  square, 
that  Bloodorood  had  a  ded  sure  thinof  on  Jerush. 


XLV. 

SAYINGS. 

A  p;est  is  sumthin  that  is  sharp  enuff  to  be  no- 
tised,  and  not  rude  enuiF  tu  be  resented. 

"  Solaman  was  a  wize  man,"  but  when  he  ced  thar 
warnt  enny  thing  nu  under  the  sun,  he  hadn't  herd 
ov  Hudsin  River  time  tables. 

"  Large  bodjs  move  slo,"  this  ere  proverb  dont  ap- 
ply tu  lies,  for  the  bigger  tha  ar,  the  faster  tha  go. 

The  only  wa  tu  pleze  evra  boddy,  is  tu  make  evry 
boddy  think  yu  ar  a  bigger  fule  than  tha  ar. 

Ignorance  is  ced  tu  be  bliss,  this  ma  be  so,  I  nev- 
er tried  it. 

It's  just  as  natral  for  lawyers  tu  lie,  as  it  is  for  a 
white  bared  yung  one's  nose  tu  run. 


182  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

The  man  who  kan  ware  a  shirt  a  hole  week,  and 
keap,  it  klean,  aint  fit  for  enny  thing  else. 

The  more  we  hav,   the  more  we  want,  and  the 
more  we  want,  the  less  we  hav. 

"  The  law  ov  nashuns ;  "  iron  klad  gun  botes. 

Evra  sorrow  has  its  twin  joy  ;  the  fun  of  skrach- 
ing  almost  pays  for  having  the  ich. 


XLVI. 

JOSH  GOES  TO  LONG  BRANCH. 

"  Hum  agin  !  Hum  as-iri !  from  a  forrin  shore  !  " 
or  in  uther  wurds  less  juicy  but  equally  tru,  i  hav 
got  back  from  Long  Branche,  whither  i  went  tew 
git  mi  buty  and  health  restored.  I  waz  thare  2 
weeks,  and  lost  50  pounds  in  munny,  and  gained  10 
pounds  in  meat.  i  feal  like  a  fur  tippet.  I  shall 
go  down  nex  summer,  if  mi  life  iz  spared  also.  I 
made  a  grate  menny  nu  ackquaintance,  that  will  be 
hard  tew  fergit,  amung  which,  waz  a  nu  kind  of  lik- 
ker,  which  they  kail  apple  toddy  ;  this  likker  would 
be  an  invaluable  dockument  tew  take  amung  the 
heathen  tew  convert  them  ;  2  horns  ov  it  would  set 
them  crazy  —  for  civilizashun.  The  natur  ov  the 
sile  or  land  there  iz  impregnated  with  sand,  which  iz 
adapted  tew  raisin  a  dust  when  the  wind  bloze,  and 
also  iz  capabel  ov  produsing,  (az  i  see  bi  the  statis- 
ticks  ov  the  state  sensus)  more  fleas  tew  the  aker 


134  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

•without  the  aid  ov  manure,  than  iz  needed  for  hum 
consumption.  The  two  prinsipal  attrackshuns  there 
iz  the  air,  and  the  water,  which  are  to  be  had  in  en- 
nj  quantity,  at  a  slite  advanse  from  fust  cost.  The 
men  and  wimmin  go  in  swimming  together  which  at 
the  fust  sight  looks  a  leetle  risky,  but  az  soon  az  they 
git  used  tew  it,  tha  tell  me,  tha  aint  afrade  ov  each 
other  at  all.  Thare  iz  15  taverns  at  Long  Branch, 
and  thare  iz  ground  room  tew  build  more  ov  tl;em,  and 
az  far  az  i  kno,  no  man  need  tew  go  away  without 
spending  awl  ov  hiz  munny,  if  he  haz  got  enny  ambi- 
shun  about  him.  Thare  waz  sevral  verry  fashionable 
wimmin  on  exhibishun  thare,  and  altho  they  didn't 
hav  on  mutch  clothes,  what  they  did  hav,  waz  wuth 
the  munny.  I  also  saw  sevral  diamonds  thare,  which 
they  ced  were  discovered  at  little  falls,  in  this  state, 
and  waz  wuth  respectfully,  from  2,  to  5  dollars. 
One  verry  pleazing  feeter  waz  the  fast  trotting  hossea 
which  belonged  tew  the  natives  ov  the  surrounding 
country,  which  were  brought  down  in  front  ov  the 
taverns  evry  day,  tew  trot  for  the  amuzement,  & 
instruktion,  ov  the  guests.  The  Hosses  didn't  seem  to 
me  tew  trot  az  fast  az  the  drivers  did,  but  i  dont  think 
cnny  body  e^er  saw  more  dust  raized,  still,  if  holler- 
ing out  loud  iz  enny  sign  that  the  hosses  waz  a  trot- 


JOSH  GOES  TO  LONG  BRANCH.       135 

ting  fast,  then  Florj  Temple  never  had  any  biznesa 
at  Long  Branch,  unless  it  waz  for  her  health.  Hoss 
trotting  iz  at  best  a  cruel  enterprize.  but  when  it  iz 
gone  into,  with  slow  bosses,  and  unskillful  drivers, 
it  iz  about  az  disgusting  az  the  opening  ov  Rockaway 
clams,  with  a  shoe-hammer.  You  will  find  awl  the 
different  styles  ov  docktrine  and  pollyticks,  at  Long 
Branche.  One  feller  asked  me  "  if  i  didn't  think 
that  the  southern  confederasy  would  be  recognized  be- 
fore long,"  and  i  ced,  that  the  southren  confederasy 
had  bin  recognized,  for  more  than  3  years,  bi  awl 
Bensibel  &  honest  people,  az  the  moste  cussidest  ov 
awl  things  cussid.  And  another  feller  asked  me  what 
i  thought  ov  the  doktrine  ov  poligamy.  i  replied 
tew  liim,  in  a  few  wurds,  that  it  waz  tew  mutch 
doktrine,  for  enny  one  man  tew  hav,  and  dew  the 
subjeck  justiss,  Az  good  a  way  az  enny  tew  git  tew 
Long  Branch,  izbi  the  steam  Bote  Jesser  Hoyt,  and 
the  Delaware  Ba  ralerode.  The  cars  on  this  rale 
rode  will  put  enny  man  in  minde  ov  one  ov  the 
cages  in  which  van  amburgh's  trained  animels  are 
carried  around  the  kuntry,  and  az  for  speed,  thare  iz 
but  one  thing  on  arth  slower,  and  that  iz  a  bread 
pill.  In  konclusion.  Long  Branch  iz  about  the  onla 
thinsr  in  the  state  ov  Nu  Jersee,  that  dont  belong:  tew 


136  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

tlie  Camptown,  and  Amboy  Ralerode,  and  ought  tew 
be  visited  as  a  natral  curiosity  on  that  vera  akount, 
if  for  no  uther.  The  prinsipel  amuzements  ov  the 
plase  are  pitching  cents,  and  walking  a  mile  and  a 
half,  back  into  the  kuntry,  tew  see  a  liberty  pole, 
Thare  iz  one  custom  thare  that  mite  be  altered,  if  it 
couldn't  be  improved,  and  that  iz  awl  the  niggers 
seem  tew  hav  bin  born  for  the  express  purpiss  ov 
standing  around  when  a  guest  leaves,  whh  evry  fea- 
ture in  their  fase  resembling  a  25  cent  shinplaster 
in  distress,  and  even  the  Landlord's  look,  and  act 
az  tho  you  waz  going  oph,  without  paying  them  awl 
the  munny  yu  hud.  Visiting  Long  Branch,  in  this 
respeck,  iz  like  going  down  into  a  marsh,  in  mus- 
kecter  time,  awl  the  inhabitants  stick  a  bill  into  you. 
Thare  iz  no  ingenuity  in  this  wa  ov  skinning  a  man, 
it  iz  like  skinning  a  cat,  a  little  evry  day,  tew  make 
it  hurt  less. 

Yours  at  sight,    Josh  Billings. 


XLVII. 

TO  MY  LADY  CORRESPONDENTS. 

Coj-a. — Now  ju  ask  me  tew  mutch.  I  kant  gif 
no  sartin  resippee  tew  make  a  feller  pop  the  ques- 
tion. Sum  men  are  awful  slow  on  a  court,  tha  are 
like  olde  houn  dogs,  all  tha  want  iz  to  bo  sure  tha  are 
on  the  rite  track,  and  don't  seem  tew  kare  if  tha 
don't  never  cum  up  with  the  game.  If  i  was  a  gal, 
and  one  ov  this  kind  ov  dogs  got  after  me,  i  wud 
hole  rite  off,  and  if  he  didn't  commense  tu  dig  me 
out  at  onst,  i  shud  kno  he  waz  only  hunting  for  fun. 

Rehekar. —  I  am  dredful  sorry  tew  hear  yu  are  a 
widder.  I  kno  how  tu  pity  yu,  i  haint  never  bin  a 
widder  miself,  but  i  hav  bin  in  a  habit  ov  pittying 
widders,  for  a  grate  length  ov  time.  And  yu  tell  me 
yu  are  a  yung  widder  too.  wuss  and  wusser.  If  yu 
find  that  thare  aint  nobody  in  yure  naberhood  who 
understands  pittying  yung  widders,  let  me  kno  at 
onst.  and  i  will  see  what  kan  be  did  for  yu. 


138  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

Flora. —  I  like  yure  spirit,  yu  hav  got  a  soul, 
Thare  aint  no  diskount  on  to  it.  Stan  yure  ground, 
don't  giv  an  inch  the  olde  man  will  cum  to  hiz  milk 
bimeby.  The  idee  that  yu  kant  hav  a  bonnet  az 
good  as  Sal  Parker  haz  got,  iz  darned  likely.  If  i 
waz  a  gal,  and  mi  olde  man  wouldn't  go  50  dollars  for 
me  a  plane  bonnet,  blame  me  if  i  wouldn't  go  into  a 
dekline,  spit  blood,  or  hav  a  pane  in  the  bak,  or  see  a 
ghost,  and  set  and  shiver  till  the  olde  man  cum  doun 
with  the  bonnet. 

Lizzy. —  Yu  sa  yu  are  sixteen  years  old,  and  aint 
marrid  yet.  That  looks  a  little  dusty,  but  don't  dis- 
pare,  az  long  az  thare  iz  life  theres  hope.  If  i  hear 
ov  enny  boddy  looking  around  for  a  woman,  ill  let 
yu  kno  forthwithly.  Send  me  forty  or  fifty  ov  yure 
fotograffs,  tha  are  good  things  tu  skatter  around  luce. 
Az  i  ced  in  mi  last  letter  i  kant  la  doun  no  rule  tu 
kech  a  hustband,  men  kant  tell  themselves  half  the 
time  what  ketched  them,  awl  tha  kno  iz  that  tha 
git  keched  the  cussedest  evra  now  and  then. 

Matilda. —  Lap  dogs  are  verry  skase  jist  now 
prinsipally  owing  tew  the  skasity  ov  them.  I  see 
one  yesterda  that  was  almost  heavenly.     The  owner 


TO   MY   LADY    COKRESPONDENTS.  139 

asked  50  dollars  for  him,  he  had  sore  eys,  and  the 
itch,  but  tha  tell  me  that  awl  lap  dogs  haz  theze 
trifling  komplantes.  I  saw  anuther  one,  which  the 
owner  onla  asked  thirtj-five  dollars  for,  he  had  small 
sized  fits,  but  waz  warrented  not  tew  hav  more  than 
three  fits  in  ennj  one  da.  I  think  this  dog  iz  jist 
what  yu  are  looking  for  ;  i  offered  thirty-seven  dollars 
for  him,  if  the  owner  wud  heave  in  a  vial  ov  fits 
medisin.     He  is  tew  giv  me  an  anser  tomorrow. 

P.  S. — I  hav  bought  the  dog  and  will  send  him  bi 
xpress.     hiz  name  iz  Agusty  Seazer. 


XL  VIII. 
ON  WIDDERS. 

Widders  are  an  interesting  studdj.  Tha  ma  be 
dividid  (tew  anser  our  purpis,)  into  3  classes:  The 
Lone,  The  Grass,  and  The  Star  Spangled  Ban- 
ner Widder.  Tiie  Lone  Widder  iz  ginerallj  sele- 
brated  for  her  pietj,  she  haz  passed  the  middle  ov  life, 
she  knows  she  haz  got  gra  hairs  in  her  hed,  she  will 
tell  her  age,  and  talks  tenderla  ov  her  ded  husband. 
Her  grief  iz  sober,  her  weeds  are  rank,  if  she  iz  ritch, 
she  is  charitable,  if  she  is  poor,  she  is  humble.  She 
seldum  marrys  the  sekund  time.  Her  cheerfulness 
never  bekums  gajety,  and  her  sorrow  never  bekums 
lamentashun.  If  she  has  children,  she  treats  them 
as  the  partners  ov  her  bereavment,  if  she  has  none, 
she  bends  down  tew  those  she  meets  as  she  wud  tew 
the  arly  flower  in  her  pathway.  Her  hole  life  is  a 
glora  tew  her  sek,  and  an  honour  evra  da  tew  him 
whose  good  memry  amung  men  she  perpetuates. 


ON   WIDDERS.  141 

The  Grass  Widder  ismarrid  without  ennj  husband. 
She  keeps  house  at  a  hotel,  and  kails  the  servants  bi 
familiar  names.  She  sez  that  her  husband  is  a  kur- 
nel  in  the  armee.  Iler  thesis  is  unkongenial  tenip- 
raments,  she  kan  repeat  Don  Juan,  and  hides  Boc- 
cassio's  tales  under  her  pillow.  If  she  wud  ride  out 
she  orders  a  coach,  and  a  gentleman  ;  if  she  is  ritch, 
she  is  arrogant,  if  she  is  poor,  she  is  brasen.  She 
kails  virtue  pruderj,  and  sez  she  wouldn't  swop  chas- 
tity with  Dianner.  If  her  kurnel  is  fortunate  enuff 
tew  git  shot  in  battle,  yu  ma  meet  her  and  hiz  Lu- 
tenant  at  Nuport  nex  summer,  marrid  —  for  the 
season. 

The  Star  Spangled  Widder  iz  jung,  ornamental, 
and  —  a  fule.  She  marrid  her  husband  bekauze 
hiz  name  waz  Alphonzo,  and  she  mourns  for  him  in 
at  least  50  feet  ov  krape.  Her  fingers  are  as  jew- 
elled as  the  hilt  ov  a  Spanish  dagger.  She  was  eddi- 
kated  at  a  fust  klass  seminare,  with  a  9  months'  vaka- 
shun  in  it  evrj  year,  and  talks  awl  the  languages, 
excep  english,  bravely.  She  gases  on  you  from  be- 
neath her  limber  eyelashes,  as  pensiv  as  a  wel  fed 
kitten.  Yu  ma  think  she  wants  tew  marry,  but 
she  thinks  she  onla  wants  a  fiiend.  If  she  shud 
snare  some  old  feller,  with  a  full  puss,  she  wil  make 


142  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

him  a  good  toddj  stik  for  his  beverage.  She  haa 
more  chastity  than  sens,  and  more  vartue  than  afFeck- 
shun. 

Upon  refleckshun  i  am  disposed  tew  sa  that  there 
iz  no  condishun  that  a  Avoman  iz  kalled  upon  tew  fill 
sodelikate,  and  so  diffikult,  as  the  widder ;  a  condi- 
shun in  which  the  lovlaness  ov  their  naturs  kan  be 
made  tew  challenge  our  respek  and  admirashun,  az 
alzo,  a  condishun  in  which  their  frailties  may  exsit© 
our  abhorrense,  and  their  weakness,  our  disguss-™ 
Amen  ! 


XLIX. 

THINGS   THAT  I  DON'T    HANKER  AFTER  TO 
SEE. 

A  man  out  at  tlie  elbows,  and  his  wife  out  tew  a 
woman's  rites  convenshun. 

A  yung  ladj  ov  more  circumference  than  the  diam- 
eter ov  her  father's  real  estate. 

A  boy  under  T  3  with  over  15  bad  habits. 

A  long  bill  .•.^.  the  tailor's,  that  belongs  tew  a  short 
Bill  ut  the  St.  ^Nicholas. 

A  man  who  haz  more  hair  under  his  nose  than 
knows  under  his  hair. 

'  A  virgin  who  haz  beat  40,  afrade  ov  a  rane  bo. 
A  pollytision  leading  in  prayer. 


144  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

A  man  whoze  houze  wants  painting  a  different  cul- 
ler from  hiz  noze. 

Charitee  that  evra  boddy  knowz  ov. 

A  house  so  divided  agin  itself,  that  it  dont  kno 
which  wa  tew  fall. 

"  Augers  that  won't  bore,"  unless  tha  kan  hs," 
the  privilege  ov  splitting. 


w 


ON  COURTING. 

Courting  is  a  luxury,  it  is  sallad,  it  is  ise  water,  it  ia 
a  beveridge,  it  is  the  pla  spell  ov  the  soul.  The  man 
•who  has  never  courted  haz  lived  in  vain ;  he  haz  bin 
a  blind  man  amung  landskapes  and  waterskapes  ;  he 
has  bin  a  defF  man  in  the  land  ov  hand  orgins,  and 
by  the  side  ov  murmuring  canals.  Courting  iz  like 
2  little  springs  ov  soft  water  that  steal  out  from  un- 
der a  rock  at  the  fut  ov  a  mountain  and  run  down 
the  hill  side  by  side  singing  and  dansing  and  spat- 
ering  each  uther,  eddying  and  frothing  and  kas- 
kading,  now  hiding  under  bank,  now  full  ov  sun  and 
now  full  ov  shadder,  till  bimeby  tha  jine  and  then  tha 
go  slow.  I  am  in  faver  ov  long  courting  ;  it  gives 
the  parties  a  chance  to  find  out  each  uther's  trump 
kards,  it  iz  good  exercise,  and  is  jist  as  innersent  as 
2  merino  lambs.  Courting  iz  like  strawberries  and 
cream,  wants  tew  be  did  slow,  then  yu  git  the  flaver. 
7 


146  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

I  hav  saw  folks  git  ackquainted,  fall  in  luv,  git  mar- 
rid,  settel  doAvn  and  git  tew  wurk,  in  3  weeks  from 
date.  This  is  jist  the  wa  sum  folks  larn  a  trade, 
and  akounts  for  the  grate  number  ov  almitej  mean 
mechanicks,  we  hav  and  the  poor  jobs  tha  turn  out. 
Perhaps  it  iz  best  i  shud  state  sum  good  advise 
tew  yung  men,  who  are  about  tew  court  with  a  final 
view  to  matrimony,  az  it  waz.  In  the  fust  plase, 
yung  man,  yu  want  tew  gityure  systen  awl  rite,  and 
then  find  a  yung  woman  who  iz  willing  tew  be  court- 
ed on  the  square.  The  nex  thing  is  tew  find  out  how 
old  she  is,  which  yu  kan  dew  bi  asking  her  and  she 
will  sa  that  she  is  1 9  years  old,  and  this  yu  will  find 
won't  be  far  from  out  ov  the  wa.  The  nex  best  thing 
iz  tew  begin  moderate ;  say  onse  evry  nite  in  the 
week  for  the  fust  six  months,  increasing  the  dose  as 
the  pasheint  seems  to  require  it.  It  is  a  fust  rate  wa 
tew  court  the  girl's  mother  a  leetle  on  the  start,  for 
there  iz  one  thing  a  woman  never  despizes,  and  that 
iz,  a  leettle  good  courting,  if  it  is  dun  strikly  on  the 
square.  After  the  fust  year  yu  will  begin  to  be  well 
ackquainted  and  will  begin  tew  like  the  bizzness. 
Thare  is  one  thing  I  alwus  advise,  and  that  iz  not  ttf 
swop  fotograffs  oftener  than  onse  in  10  daze,  unless 
yu  forgit  how  the  gal  looks. 


ON    COURTING.  147 

Okasionallj  ju  want  tew  look  sorry  and  draw  in 
yure  wind  az  tho  yu  had  pain,  this  will  set  the  gal 
tew  teazing  yu  tew  find  out  what  ails  yu.  Evening 
meetings  are  a  good  thing  tu  tend,  it  will  keep  yure 
religgion  in  tune ;  and  then  if  the  gal  happens  tew  be 
thare,  bi  acksident,  she  kan  ask  yu  tew  go  hum  with 
her. 

Az  a  ginral  thing  i  wouldn't  brag  on  uther  gak 
mutch  when  i  waz  courting,  it  mite  look  az  tho  yu 
knu  tew  mutch.  If  yu  will  court  3  years  in  this  wa, 
awl  the  time  on  the  square,  if  yu  don't  sa  it  iz  a 
leettle  the  slikest  time  in  yure  life,  yu  kan  git  meas- 
ured for  a  hat  at  my  expense,  and  pa  for  it.  Don't 
court  for  munny,  nor  buty,  nor  relashuns,  theze  things 
are  jist  about  az  onsartin  as  the  kerosene  ile  refining 
bissness,  liabel  tew  git  out  ov  repair  and  bust  at  en- 
ny  minnit. 

Court  a  gal  for  fun,  for  the  luv  yu  bear  her.  for 
the  vartue  and  bissness  thare  is  in  her ;  court  her 
for  a  wife  and  for  a  mother,  court  her  as  yu  wud 
court  a  farm  —  for  the  strength  ov  the  sile  and  the 
parfeckshun  ov  the  title  ;  court  her  as  tho  she  want  a 
fule,  and  yu  a  nuther ;  court  her  in  the  kitchen,  in 
the  parlor,  over  the  wash-tub,  and  at  the  pianner  ; 
court  this  wa,  yung  man,  and  if  yu  don't  git  a  good 


148  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

wife  and   slie  don't  git  a  good   hustband,  the    fait 
•won't  be  in  the  courting. 

Yung  man,  yu  kan  rely  upon  Josh  Billings,  and 
if  yu  kant  make  these  rules  wurk  jist  send  for  him 
and  he  ■will  sho  ju  how  the  thing  is  did,  and  it  shant 
kost  yu  a  cent. 


LI. 

REMARKS. 

Piety  iz  a  good  kind  ov  dissease  for  a  man  tew 
hav,  but  when  he  has  so  mutch  ov  it  that  he  has  tew 
go  behind  the  door  on  Sunday  to  drink  his  whiskee, 
it  will  dew  tew  watch  him  the  rest   of  the   week. 

Menny  think  tha  luv  their  husbands  almost  tew 
deth,  when  in  fack,  tha  are  only  jealous  ov  them. 

Thoze  familys  who  are  really  fust  class,  never  are 
afraid  that  tha  shall  git  cheated  out  ov  their  respek- 
tability,  while  the  codfish  familys  are  alwus  nervous 
lest  tha  mite. 

The  onla  sure  resipee  tew  govern  mankind  with, 
iz  the  rod ;  yu  ma  festoon  it  with  flowers  and  case  it 
with  velvet,  if  yu  pleze,  but  it  iz  the  rod,  after  all, 
that  duz  the  bizzness. 


150  JOSH   BILLINGS 

I  kant  conseive  a  more  despikable  opjek  than  a 
proud  and  arrogant  man  ;  he  makes  me  think  ov  an 
old  Tom  Turkey  trieing  tew  git  mad  at  a  red  flannel 
pettycoat  on  a  clothes  line. 

It  iz  not  onla  highly  natral  tew  luv  the  femail  sek, 
but  'tis  highly  pleasant. 

Verry  few  people  enjoy  munny,  bekauze  tha  kant 
git  enuff  ov  it. 

"We  are  told  that  a  contented  man  is  happy,  and 
we  mite  hav  bin  told,  at  the  same,  that  a  mudturkle 
could  fly  if  it  onla  had  wings. 

It  wont  dew  tew  stir  up  a  man  when  he  is  think- 
ing, enny  more  than  it  will  a  pan  ov  milk  when  the 
cream  is  rising. 

Thare  is  one  time  when  awl  men  are  comparitiflly 
pure,  and  that  is  when  tha  are  in  luv. 

Ilumbolt  was  a  man  ov  verry  high  attainments. 

It  iz  eazy  enuff  tew  raize  the  devil,  but  he  iz  a 
hard  crop  tew  reap. 


REMARKS.  151 

It  appears  tew  me  that  a  poor  story  iz  a  good  deal 
like  a  grist,  the  oftner  it  iz  told,  the  less  thare  iz  ov 
it ;  but  then,  perhaps,  i  am  mistaken. 

I  hav  bin  told  that  swine  Lager  iz  the  Dutch  for 
root  beer. 


LH. 

THE  FAULT-FINDER. 

Good  Lord,  deliver  us  from  the  Fait  finder  one 
ov  yure  kronick  grunters,  i  mean.  Theze  kind  ov  hu- 
min  critters  are  alwuss  full  ov  self  consait ;  if  tha  waz 
humble  and  wud  dam  themself  okasionally,  i  wud  try 
tew  pity  them.  Yure  falt-finding  old-bachelor,  for 
instanze,  odars  a  pair  ov  No.  8  boots,  and  then 
kolides  with  his  shumaker  insted  ov  his  big  feet ;  he 
walks  tew  the  depo  tew  saive  hack-hire  and  misses 
the  trane,  and  then  kolides  with  the  time-table  ;  he 
kourts  a  gal  till  she  has  tew  marry  sumboddy  else 
tew  keep  from  spileing,  and  then  he  don't  believe 
thare  is  a  vartuous  woman  living.  If  he  enjoys  enny- 
thing  he  dus  it  under  protess,  and  if  ennyboddy  else 
enjoys  ennything  he  knows  tha  lie  about  it.  He  is 
like  a  seckund  rate  bull  tarrier,  alwus  a  fiteing,  and- 
alwus  gitting  licked.  These  kind  ov  critters  never 
are  reddy  tew  die,  bekause  tha  haint  never  begun 


THE    FAULT   FINDER.  153 

tew  live.  I  never  maik  their  ackquaintanse  enny 
more  than  i  dew  sumboddy's  small  pox,  bekause  i  am 
a  looking  after  bright  things  and  haint  got  enny  to 
lose.  Thare  aint  enny  remedee  for  this  dissease  but 
hunger,  and  that  aint  parmanent  unless  it  results  iu 
starvashun.  Good  Lord,  deliver  us  from  the  falt- 
finder  !  if  yu  undertake  tew  argy  with  them  yu  oula 
flatter  them,  and  if  yu  jine  m  ^vith  them  yu  onla 
maik  them  mad  with  therasclfs. 

I  had  rather  be  a  target  for  awl  the  bad  luk  in 
this  wurld  than  tew  go  thru  life  shuteing  a  pizen  ar- 
row at  awl  the  good  luk.  The  more  i  think  ov  it,  the 
more  i  keep  thinking  that  falt-finding  iz  verry  much 
like  bobing  for  eels  with  a  raw  potater  ;  a  fust  rate 
watew  git  out  ov  consait  ov  awl  kinds  ov  fishmg,  and 
a  fust  rate  wa  not  tew  ketch  enny  eels. 


LIII. 

PROVERBS. 

Chastity  iz  like  an  isikel.  if  it  onse  melts  that's 
the  last  ov  it." 

Dew  a  good  turn  whenever  yu  kan  even  if  yu  hav 
tew  turn  sumboddy's  grinstun  ta  dew  it. 

When  a  man  dies  the  fust  thing  we  talk  about  iz 
hiz  welth,  the  nex  thing  hiz  failings,  and  the  last 
thing  hiz  vartues. 

I  suppose  the  "  bone  of  contenshun  "  iz  the  collar 
bone. 

An  ungrateful  childe  is  the  revenge  of  Heaven. 

After  awl  ced  and  dun  the  gran  sekret  of  win- 
ning is  tew  win. 

The  studdy  ov  humin  natur  is  a  good  deal  like 


PROVERBS.  155 

tlie  studdy  ov  dessekshun,  ya  finde  out  a  good  raenny 
curis  things,  but  it  is  a  nasty  job  after  awl. 

When  a  man's  dog  deserts  him  on  akount  ov  hia^ 
poverty,  he  kant  git  enny  lower  down  in  this  world, 
not  bi  land. 

Sekrets  maik  a  dungin  of  the  harte,  and  a  jailor' 
ov  its  owner. 

Don't  let  us  forgit  that  the  higher  up  we  git  the 
smaller  will  things  look  tew  us  here  belo. 

Natur  haz  no  artifise,  she  plants  her  flowers  in  the 
gardin  and  in  the  wilderness,  and  endows  them  alike. 

It  iz  tru  that  welth  won't  maik  a  man  vartuous, 
but  i  notis  thare  ain't  ennyboddy  who  wants  tew  be 
poor  jist  for  the  purpiss  ov  being  good. 

Luv  iz  like  the  meazels,  we  kant  alwus  tell  when 
we  ketched  it  and  ain't  ap  tew  hav  it  severe  but  onst, 
and  then  it  ain't  kounted  mutch  unless  it  strikes  inly- 

Tew  be  a  suckcessful  pollytysian,  a  man  shud  be 
butterd  on  both  sides  and  then  keep  awa  from  the  fire. 


LIV. 

KOLIDING. 

The  wurd  "  kolicle/'  used  bi  ralerode  men,  haz  an 
indefinit  meaning  tew  menny  folks.  Thru  the  kind- 
ness of  a  nere  and  dear  frend,  i  am  able  tew  translate 
the  wurd  so  that  ennj  man  ken  understand  it  at  onst« 
The  term  "  kolide "  is  used  tew  explain  the  sar« 
kumstanse  ov  2  trains  ov  cars  triing  tew  pass  each 
uther  on  a  single  trak.  It  is  ced  that  it  never  yet 
haz  bin  did  suckcessfully,  hence  a  "  kolide ." 

Josh  Billings. 


LV. 

ON  SNAIKS  AND  MUDTURKLES. 

I  divide  snaiks  into  one  class,  to  wit,  the  devilish : 

Thej  are  ov  much  antiquity,  having  appeared 
about  the  same  time  tliat  Adam  did.  The  exact 
purpis  for  which  tha  was  built  hain't  been  explored 
yet ;  but  one  thing  is  sartin,  tha  are  quite  slippery 
and  eazy  to  bend.  Tha  travel  on  thair  bellys,  and 
go  down  hill  the  moste  eazyest;  this  is  owing  tew 
the  fuck  that  tha  hain't  got  enny  good  rigging  tew 
hold  back  with. 

Snaix  have  but  few  warm  friends,  altho  thare  ia 
folks  who  flatter  them ;  sich  persons  ought  tew  be 
obliged  to  ware  a  pair  ov  them  for  a  cravat.  Thare 
is  but  one  thing  that  makes  me  more  horrible  than 
a  striped  snaik,  and  that  is  a  big  black  one  jest  slid- 
ing away  from  the  place  whare  I  was  going  tew  sit 
down  on  the  grass. 

We  are  told  that  Eve  waz  sedused  bi  a  snaik,  i 
don'  beleave  thare  is  a  woman  living  now,  in  theze 
parts,  that  it  could  be  did  tew  without  spileing  the 
snaik.     I  hav  bin  in  the  habit,  ov  late  years,  ov 


158  JOSH   BILLINGS 

scdusing  snaiks  miself  evvry  chanse  i  could  git ;  i 
ginerally  dew  it  bi  gitting  tiiem  tew  put  their  heds 
under  a  stone,  and  then  i  cruelly  desert  them ;  sich 
is  life 

Snaiks  are  amphibious  and  thoze  which  dwell  in 
the  water  are  called  eels.  Tha  are  ov  awl  cullers, 
and  sum  are  pizen  tew  behold  ;  amung  theze  are  the 
koperheds,  but  tha  never  bite  ennj  ov  their  own 
folks.  Snaiks  hav  got  a  big  appertite,  akordin  te\<' 
their  size;  i  hav  saw  them  no  thicker  than  your 
finger,  with  4  inches  wide  ov  toad  in  them,  tha  stuck 
out  like  2  quarts  ov  milk  that  had  got  into  a  young 
pup  bi  acksident. 

The  largest  snaik  in  the  wurld  iz  kept  at  New- 
port, he  iz  owned  bi  the  landlords,  he  never  haz  bin 
shown  tew  but  one  person  tew  a  time,  and  then  he  is 
generally  110  feet  long ;  thousands  go  thare  tew  see 
him  summers,  and  pay  3  dollars  a  da  for  board  and  2 
dollars  a  week  tew  the  servants  for  something  tew 
eat. 

I  beleave  a  snaik  never  dies  onla  bi  mistake,  and 
never  ventures  out  mutch  in  the  winter  when  the 
travling  iz  bad,  and  lays  eggs  like  a  small  hen,  but 
don't  set  on  them  bekauzo  tha  hain't  got  enny  more 
heat  in  their  body  than  a  ramrod  haz. 


ON  SNAIKS  AND  MUDTURKLES.      159 

Almoste  evry  humin  being  haz  got  a  nateral  ap- 
pertite  agin  snaix,  and  i  will  bet,  if  jou  shud  put' a 
striped  snaik  in  a  10  aker  lot,  whare  there  was  27 
wimmin  picking  strawberries,  and  holler  out  "  stri- 
ped snaik!  striped  snaik!"  evrj  woman  would 
skream,  and  go  to  feeling  rite  oph  for  the  snaik.  It 
is  ced  that  snaik  ile  applied  to  the  back  ov  a  man's 
neck,  will  cure  him  from  lieing.  This  is  wuth  tric- 
ing, even  if  it  wont  wurk,  but  mi  individoal  present- 
iment iz,  that  when  the  lieing  disease  gits  familiar 
with  a  man,  deth  alone  will  put  an  eend  to  his  suffer- 
ing's. But  I  dont  want  it  understood  that  I  am  agin 
snaik  ile,  for  this  one  reason  if  no  other,  the  more 
snaik  ile  there  is  in  the  market,  the  less  snaiks. 

MUDTURKLES. 

Mudturkles  liv  in  a  shell,  which  tha  git  verry 
mutch  attached  to.  Tha  are  not  fond  ov  company, 
and  seldom  receive  visitors  in  their  houses.  Their 
food  consists  prinsipally  of  what  thej  eat,  which  tha 
find  wharever  tha  kan  git  it.  Their  style  iz  haf  land, 
and  haf  water,  and  tha  are  at  home  on  the  banks  or 
at  the  bottom  ov  a  kanal.  Tha  hav  sum  eggs,  which 
tha  lay  in  sum  warm  sand,  and  ginerally  hav  them 
batched  out  tew  the  halves.     Tha  belong!:  tew  the 


160  JOSH   BILLIXGS. 

class  known  az  "close  korporashuns,"  and  are  a 
hard  animil  tew  whip,  bekause  tha  alwus  fite  under 
cover.  The  mudturkle  kant  climb  very  well,  and 
therefore  seldum  iz  found  up  a  tree.  Tha  are  verry 
tuff  ov  life,  and  will  outlive  an  injun  rubber  shoe, 
and  don't  seem  tew  groold  enny  faster  than  a  paving 
stone  duz.  Tha  kan  be  domestikated  without  enny 
trubble  ;  awl  ju  hav  tew  dew,  iz  tew  put  them  into 
a  barrel,  and  tha  aint  ap  tew  stray  off  far.  Mud- 
turkles  hav  their  faults,  but  tha  won't  lie,  nor  drink 
rum,  nor  chaw  terbacker,  and  tho  tha  cant  trot  as 
fast  az  sum  bosses  kan,  thare  sure  tew  git  tew 
■whare  tha  go  tew,  and  never  brake  down  on  the  rode. 
I  take  a  deep  interest  in  moste  awl  the  auimils,  and 
particularly  in  mudturkles,  and  i  dew  hope  that  the 
Legislature  in  their  wisdum  won't  pass  a  law  "  pro- 
hibiting enny  more  mudturkles."  I  regret  tew 
hear,  that  in  sum  parts  ov  the  kuntry,  the  people 
are  in  the  habit  of  using  mudturkles  tew  pitch 
quoits  with,  but  I  think  this  wants  an  affidavy  with 
a  revenew  stamp  onto  it. 

In  theze  mi  remarks  about  snaix  and  mudturkles  i 
hav  tried  hard  tew  tell  the  truth,  but  if  i  hav  failed, 
it  is  owing  tew  the  grate  skasity  ov  truth  in  theze 
days. 


LVI. 

TRUE  BILLS. 

Tru  dignity  is  the  effect  ov  the  conscious  posses- 
sion ov  ability  and  vartue.  False  dignity  is  the 
effeck  ov  nu  clothes,  no  branes  and  mutch  vittles. 

Tru  currage  is  the  knowledge  ov  right  and  the  de  • 
termination  tew  dew  it.  False  currage  is  a  w^illing- 
ness  tew  dew  what  is  rong  bekauze  others  sa  it  ii 
right. 

Tru  religgun  iz  tew  fear  God,  love  man  and  hate 
the  devil.  False  religgun  iz  tew  hate  God,  fear 
man  and  luv  the  devil. 

True  faith  is  a  parfeck  trust  in  what  we  are  satis- 
fied iz  truth.  False  faith  is  a  craziness  tew  beleave, 
eimpla  bekauze  we  kant  understand. 


162  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

Tru  liberta  is  the  possession  ov  our  own  rights 
and  due  respek  for  the  rights  ov  uthers.  False  lib- 
erta iz  a  desire  tew  possess  uther's  rights  and  no 
respek  for  our  own. 

Tru  wisdum  iz  a  plenta  ov  experiense,  observashun 
and  reflekshun.  False  wisdom  iz  a  plenta  ov  ignor- 
ance, arogance  and  impudence. 


LVII. 

NARRATIF. 

"Wunce  as  I  was  travling  thru  tioga  keounty,  a 
peddlin,  selebrated  pills,"  I  was  akosted  by  a  individ- 
ual whose  dress  indikated,  that  he  was  in  the  kolpor- 
ter  bisness.  We  met,  and  stopped  smoltaneouslj,  as  it 
war  ;  we  looked  into  each  others  phases,  sarching  a3 
it  war,  for  a  linamont,  a  oasus,  that  we  nu,  or  had 
hearn  tell  of,  but  the  trak  pedlar,  and  pill  pedlar, 
had  evidently  met  for  the  first  time  on  arth.  The 
dela  that  was  thus  instituted,  giv  me  a  margin  for  a 
clus  communion  with  the  kolporturs  feturs,  and  stile 
of  habiliment,  and  tru  to  natur,  tuk  the  chance  —  he 
was  about  59  years  old,  was  very  lite  in  the  karkass, 
and  wore  his  close  very  much  as  a  methodis  dus,  and 
had  one  of  them  kountenances  that  Moses  was  cele- 
brated for.  I  felt  at  the  first  site,  that  he  wud  do  tu 
li  to.  He  komensed  as  follers  :  —  "  Wafarin  man, 
monament  of  sparin  mersa,  du  yu  feel  as  tho  yu  had 


164  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

enny  intrest  in  yurself,  hev  ju  ever  been  tried  by 
the  fire  that  takes  awa  the  spiritoal  dross,  and  had 
yur  soal  a  flutterin  agin  the  ribbid  prisin  bars  of  yur 
body,  like  a  kaged  song  bird  of  heavin  ?  If  yu 
haint,  read  and  peroose  this  trak  ;  the  ile  that  it  kon- 
tains,  will  permoate  thru  the  resesses  of  yur  hart, 
like  the  quicksilver  of  luv,  and  lukrubrate  the  loose 
roaling  stuns,  that  ly  in  yur  jordanick  pathwa."  As 
he  cum  to  a  stop,  he  bent  on  tu  me  one  of  those  mel- 
ler  looks,  that  a  torn  kat  gives  tu  the  mouse,  as  it 
lays  pantin  afore  him,  with  a  skin  full  of  broken 
bones,  and  a  reachin  around,  he  pulled  from  his  sadle 
bags,  a  trak  of  four  pages,  and  give  it  tu  me,  with 
(if  I  ma  be  aloud  the  expresshun)  a  angelik  tender- 
ness, and  as  he  did  so,  he  karlessly  tuk  a  look  at  my 
boss,  who  stood  quietly  in  the  harness,  a  restin  wun 
of  his  hine  fete.  I  thanked  him,  and  sed  I  wud  pe- 
roose the  trak,  an  hoped  to  find  the  ile,  and  silver,  he 
spoak  of  Not  tu  be  bete  in  generosity,  I  opened 
the  lid  of  mi  waggin,  and  selekted  a  box  of  pills, 
with  a  full  kount,  and  arisin  from  mi  sete,  I  kommen- 
ced  as  follers,  ''  respected  kolportur,  allou  me  tu  di- 
siprookate,  by  plasin  at  yur  disposal  a  full  kount  box, 
of  the  selebrated  antydiluvion  pills,  begot  by  Josh 
Billings  (late  of  this  tioga  keounty,)  who  now  stans 


NARRATIF.  165 

befoor  yu.  These  pills  are  friendla  tu  the  innards  of 
ennj  man,  are  holy  made  of  rootes,  are  as  saif  tu 
take  as  a  fotograph,  and  at  the  same  time,  are  as 
thoro  as  a  sarch  warrant,  there  ar  26  ov  them  in  a 
box,  an  tha  sel,  with  a  ful  size  fax  similer  of  the 
author  on  the  lid  ov  the  box.  He  tuk  the  antydilu- 
vions,  and  summed  up  as  follers,  "  docter  Billings, 
the  perfeshun  -which  you  hav  chose,  is  wone  ov  the 
most  anshient  as  wel  as  wone  of  the  most  humain,  it 
speaks  volumes  in  yur  praze,  and  as  i  winde  mi  wa 
on  errants  of  soal  mersa,  upon  mi  noble  boss  (whose 
only  fait,  or  rather  misfortin  is  a  paneful  saddil 
gaul,)  swete  gushes  of  jowus  thout  will  wel  up  from 
mi  happer  harte,  that  praps  our  auspicious  meeting 
tu  da  ma  bee  the  menes  of  awakin  in  yu,  a  arnest  kry 
what  shal  i  du  tu  bee  saved.'*  At  the  kloze  ov  this 
speach,  i  wud  have  bin  willin  tu  bet  a  Box  of  antydilu- 
vions  agin  a  10  rowed  papir  of  solid  headed  pins,  that 
the  kolporter  was  nasty  on  a  boss  swap,  and  i  kum  tu 
the  konklusion  that  i  wud  just  feal  of  his  stile  in 
that  wa.  Pretendin  tu  hav  just  notised  his  boss  i 
went  inter  fits  over  the  diskivery,  and  soon  found  i 
had  struc  a  lead,  for  the  star  spangle  bannor,  never 
bad  ut  one  time  enny  more  sed  in  its  praze,  than  the 
kolporter  let  of  in  favor  ov  his  old  boss.     Not  edzack- 


166  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

ly  disposed  tu  swaller,  without  stirrin,  all  he  sed,  i 
thout  i  wud  look  the  kritter  over,  and  j  urn  pin  out  ov 
my  waggin,  fur  that  purpis,  soon  found  out  that  the 
trak  pedler  was  after  Jonas,  insted  of  me.  After  i 
had  ffot  the  full  size  of  the  sarkumstanses  in  the  kase, 
i  kum  tu  one  of  the  brisk  konklusions  that  the  Billings 
family  are  subject  tu.  by  hintin  in  oktave,  "  that  the 
kolporter  was  a  dam  hiperkrit,  and  his  spavined  boss 
a  dam  old  pelter."  This  suddint  bust  of  centiment 
on  mi  part,  awoke  the  sleapin  pieta  of  the  trak  ped- 
lar, and  he  at  wunst  tuk  me  tu  do  for  swarin.  After  i 
had  told  him,  that  his  prain  and  my  swarin,  was  oph 
of  the  same  peace,  an  neather  ov  us  ment  any  thing 
we  sed,  we  parted,  —  the  kolporter  to  save  soals,  and 
swap  bosses,  and  Josh  Billings  tu  sell,  for  25  sents  a 
box,  the  antidiluvion  pills,  as  saif  as  rute  beer,  and 
as  sartin  as  the  bi2:ht  ov  a  mo^jasin. 


LVIII. 
PHOTOGRAPHS. 

Enclosed  yu  will  be  pleazed  tew  find  my  fotograff. 
taken  from  life,  on  the  spot,  whare  the  circumstanze 
occurred.  I  take  the  liberta  tew  send  yu  the  picter, 
for  the  7  different  ensuincr  reasons  :  1  —  Photowraffs 
are  gitting  skase.  2  —  If  you  should  ever  meet  me 
by  mistake,  yu  wud  be  able  to  kno  me  rite  oph,  bi  ask- 
ing me*  if  I  resembled  the  pictur.  3  —  I  am  a  marrid 
man,  and  am  the  author  ov  a  familee,  and  therefore 
the  danger  ov  any  femail  fallin  in  luv  with  me,  bi 
cuming  in  contak  with  the  picter,  will  be  painfully 
redused.  4  —  It  iz  better  that  99  humbly  cusses 
should  eskape,  than  that  one  decent  looking  man 
should  suffer  bi  not  having  hiz  fotoo^raff  taken. 
5  —  A  grate  menny  folks,  jist  now  at  this  time,  are 
troubled  with  a  literature  on  the  brane.  This  pictur 
will  put  yu  in  clus  communion  with  a  man  who  haz 
had  this  diseaze,  but  who  haz  so  far   rekovered,  that 


168  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

he  iz  able  to  sit  up  and  lafF  at  others,  who  are  tricing 
to  ketch  the  same  disorder.  6  —  I  resembel  this 
pictur.  and  that  ken  be  ced  ov  so  few  things  in  this 
wurld,  that  i  thought  noboddj  would  git  mad  and 
call  me  a  verrj  d  —  n  fule,  for  sirkulating  the  pictur. 
7  —  The  artiss  said  I  was  hard  tew  take,  and  this 
pictur  was  a  triumph  ov  the  art ;  he  alzo  added  that 
some  ware  so  eazj  tew  take  that  it  was  actooally 
dangerous  tew  leave  ennjthing  in  their  reach.  These 
reasons  must  be  mi  excuse  for  sending  yu  my  pictur ; 
if  it  don't  look  as  yu  expekted  i  did,  jist  let  me  kno, 
and  i  will  have  one  taken  that  duz.  Verry  highly  i 
remane  yures, 

Josh  Billings. 


£ 

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o 

— ' 

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L, 

ro 

LIX- 

AFFERISIMS. 

I  suppoze  the  reazon  why  "wiramin  are  so  fast  talk- 
ers, is  bekause  tha  dont  hav  tew  stOD  tew  spit  on 
their  hands. 

After  Joseph's  bretheren  had  beat  him  out  ov  hiz 
cut  ov  menny  cullers,  what  did  tha  dew  nex  ?  Tha 
pittied  him ! 

Thare  is  nothing  in  this  life  that  will  open  the 
pores  ov  a  man  so  mutch,  as  tew  fall  in  luv,  it  makes 
him  fluent  as  a  tin  whissell,  as  limber  as  a  boy's  watch 
chain,  and  as  perlite  as  a  dansing  master  ;  his  harte 
is  as  full  ov  sunshine  as  a  hay  field,  and  there  aint  any 
more  guile  in  him  than  there  is  in  a  stik  ov  merlasses 
candy. 

Thare  dont  seem  tew  be  enny  end  tew  the  ambish- 
8 


170  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

un  ov  men,  but  thare  is  one  thing  that  sum  ov  thera 
will  find  out  if  tha  ever  dew  get  tew  heaven,  and  that 
is  tha  cant  git  enny  further. 

He  who  kan  hold  awl  ho  gits,  kan  most  generally 
git  more. 

Conshense,  is  onla  another  name  for  truth. 

Tu  kant  alwus  tell  a  gentleman  by  his  clotheS;  but 
yu  kan  hi  his  finger  nails. 

Adam  invented  "  Zwy  at  first  sight, ^^  one  ov  the 
gratest  laber  saving  masheens  the  world  ever  saw. 

It  is  a  grave  question  whether,  in  curtailing  super- 
fluitys  in  these  hard  times,  we  have  a  moral  right  tew 
cut  oph  a  dorg's  tale  tew  save  the  expense  ov  board- 
ing it. 

Are  Greenbacks  a  lawful  tender  ?  If  yu  dont  be- 
lieve it  tri  one  on  me,  espeshila  one  ov  the  heavy 
ones. 

Dont  never  parade  yure  good  luck,  nor  yure  bad 


AFFERISIMS.  ITl 

luck  before  men,  the  first  will  make  them  think  less 
ov  yw,  and  the  second  will  make  them  think  more  of 
themselves. 

Thare  are  a  grate  multitude  ov  individuals  who  are 
like  blind  mules,  anxious  enough  to  kick,  but  kant 
tell  whare* 

I  hav  herd  a  grate  deal  ced  about  ^'•broken  hartes^'* 
and  thare  may  be  a  fu  ov  them,  but  mi  experiense  is 
that  nex  tew  the  gizzard,  the  harte  is  the  tuffest  peace 
ov  meat  m  the  whole  critter. 


LX. 

JOSH  GITS  ORFULLY  BIT 

1  du  consider  musketers, 

The  moste  pesky,  ov  all  God's  creeters. 

I  hav  finally  ketcbed  it.  I  hav  biu  like  a  lam 
led  sudden  tu  the  slauter  and  had  mi  blood  sucked 
out  ov  me,  az  though  it  waz  only  sweet  sider,  and  be- 
longed tu  sumbody  else.  I  am  a  man  ov  peace,  but 
low,  and  behold  !  there  aint  a  peace  in  me  now,  but 
■what  iz  bit,  punkterd,  and  tore. 


When  muskeeters  whisper  in  yure  ear, 
The  devils  angels  are  hovring  near. 


I  retired  laste  nite  tu  rest,  at  the  usual  time ;  on 
the  north  side  ov  me,  and  about  2  feet  adjacent,  waz 
the  side  ov  the  hous,  on  the  south  side  ov  me,  and 
about  2  feet  adjacent  la  mi  wife.  I  dropt  tu  sleep,  az 
a  snoflake  dus  on  the  buzzum  ov  a  silvery  Lake,  (i 


JOSH   GITS   OKFULLY   BIT.  173 

have  a  faint  idee  that  this  laste  sentense,  for  lovla- 
ness,  kant  be  beat,  handy.)  I  dreamed  a  good-sized, 
hot  dream. 


It  felt  like  the  breth  ov  a  kanada  Thissell, 
A  round  mi  hed,  a  triing  tu  Whissell 


Suddenly  i  awoke. 

The  room  waz  full  ov  yels,  and  skreams.  responsiv 
I  dashed  wildly  akross  the  room,  ackompanied  by 
mi  shirt  tale,  i  lit  a  lite.  .  I  harked,  one  ov  mi 
moste  reliable  harks.  Awl  waz  still ;  still  az  a  crows 
nest,  in  the  ded  ov  winter.  I  gazed  a  gaze,  az  tho  i 
•waz  triing  tu  thread  the  rong  end  ov  a  kambrik  needle. 
Awa  in  the  distance,  solitara,  and  alone,  clus  up  tu 
the  ceiling,  chawing  hiz  cud,  sot  a  little  grey  cuss. 
I  dipped  a  koars  towel  into  a  basen  ov  water,  and 
rung  it  out,  i  krept  up  under  the  little  grey  cuss,  i 
tuk  aim,  and  fired, 

And  hit  the  spot, 
Whare  the  little  grey  cuss  had  sot. 

Awl  waz  still  again.     I  onlighted  the  kandle,  and 
Bauo;ht  mi  kouch. 


LXI. 

THINGS  THAT  SUIT  ME. 

I  like  an  aimabel  man,  (not  one  who  Tvill  let  yu 
spit  on  him,)  but  one  who  don't  want  tew  spit  on  enny 
boddy  else 

I  like  a  stirring  man,  (not  one  who  stirs  up  muss- 
es,) but  one  who  haz  got  sumthing  tew  dew  and  duz 
it. 

I  like  a  good  looking  man,  (not  a  pretty  man),  but 
one  who  looks  well  —  into  things,  one  whom  yu  can't 
phule  with  a  mare's  nest,  unless  he  sees  the  old  mare 
on  it. 

I  like  a  gritty  man,  (not  a  dirty  one),  but  one  that 
pitches  in  like  a  frog  oph  from  a  saw  log,  no  matter 
how  deep  the  water  iz. 


THINGS   THAT   SUIT  ME.  175 

I  like  a  fas3  boss,  (one  that  goes  fass  bekauze  he 
luvs  tew),  sich  a  critter  iz  half  human ;  he  never 
ought  to  be  hitched  tew  a  plough,  he  ought  tew  be 
took  out  ov  hiz  stable  az  a  wild  pigeon  had  out  of  hiz 
cage,  and  let  him  —  go. 

I  like  a  rat  tarrier  with  hiz  hair  awl  combed  for- 
ward, hiz  ejes  on  fire,  hiz  tale  straight  out  stiff,  evry 
muscle  alive,  and  the  entire  dorg  only  3  feet  off  from 
a  rat  hole. 

I  like  a  woman,  (handsum  if  it  iz  convenient,)  with 
more  wisdum  than  laming,  chaste,  but  not  frozen, 
soft,  but  not  sillj,  and  fond,  but  not  fussj,  sich  wim- 
min  are  skase,  and  are  going  tew  be  skaser. 

I  like  religion,  (the  kind  that  wurks  6  days  and 
rests  on  the  7,)  which  acks  on  a  man's  soul,  az  con- 
griss  water  duz  on  hiz  boddy,  phesicks  him  well,  but 
dont  make  him  enny  weaker. 

I  like  good  order  —  good  morals  —  good  frends  — 
and  awl  things  well  dun,  except  beefsteak,  and  that 
I  want  rare  dun. 


LXII. 

MY  EUST  GONG. 

I  never  kan  eradicate  holy  from  ini  memry  the  sound 
ov  the  first  gong  I  ever  herd  —  i  was  setting  on  the 
frunt  stupe  ov  a  tavern  in  the  sittj  ov  Bufferlo^  pan- 
sivelj  a  smokin.  The  sun  was  a  goin  tu  bed,  and  the 
heavens  fur  and  nere  was  blushing  at  the  purform- 
anse.  The  Eri  kanall  with  its  goldin  waters  was  on 
its  windin  wa  tu  albanj,  and  i  was  perusin  the  line 
botes,  a  flotin  by,  and  thinkin  ov  Italy,  (wliare  i  used 
tu  live,)  and  her  gondolers,  and  gallus  wimmin.  Mi 
entire  sole  was,  as  it  ware  in  a  swet,  i  wanted  tu  climb, 
i  felt  grate,  i  aktually  grew.  Thar  ar  things  in  this 
life  tu  big  tu  be  trifled  with,  thar  ar  times  when  a 
man  brakes  luce  from  hisself,  when  he  sees  speerits, 
when  he  kan  almost  tuch  the  moon,  and  feels  as  tho 
he  kud  fill  both  hands  with  the  stars  ov  heavin  and 
almost  sware  he  was  a  bank  president.  Thats  what 
ailed  me.     But  the  korsc  ov  tru  luv  never  did  run 


MY   FIRST   GONG.  177 

smoove,  (this  iz  Shakesperes  opinion  too,  i  and  he 
often  think  thru  one  quill)  just  az  i  was  duing  my 
best,  •  •  •  •  dummer,  dummer,  spat,  bang,  beller, 
crash,  roar,  ram,  dummer.  dummer,  whang,  rip,  rare 
rally ,  dummer  dummer,  dummer  dum,  •  •  •  •  -^vith 
one  tremenjis  jump,  i  struck  the  senter  ov  the  side 
"walk,  with  anuther  i  kleared  the  gutter  and  with 
anuther,  i  stud  in  the  middle  ov  the  strcts  snorting 
like  a  injin  poney,  at  a  band  ov  musik  ;  i  gazed  in 
wilde  dispare  at  the  tavern  stand,  mi  harte  swelled 
up  as  big  as  an  out  door  oven,  mi  teeth  were  as  luce 
as  a  string  ov  prairy  beads.  I  thout  all  the  crokery  in 
the  tavern  stand  had  fell  down,  i  thout  ov  fenome- 
noms,  i  thought  ov  gabrel  and  his  horn,  i  was  just 
on  the  pint  ov  thinking  ov  sumthing  else  when  the 
landlord  cum  out  to  the  frunt  stupe  ov  the  tavern 
stand  holding  by  a  string  the  bottom  ov  an  old  brass 
kittle.  He  called  me  gentla  with  his  hand  i  went 
slola  and  sadla  tu  him,  he  calmed  mi  feres,  he  ced 
it  was  a  gong ;  i  saw  the  cussed  thing,  he  ced  sup- 
per was  reddy,  he  axed  me  if  i  would  hav  black  or 
green  tea  and  i  ced  i  would. 
8* 


LXIIL 

PBOVERBS. 

Up-and-down  men  are  skase,  but  the  horizontal 
are  less  skaser. 

Thare  iz  sum  disseazes  that  kant  be  kured  even  bi 
deth,  for  we  oftin  see  them  brake  out  on  a  man's 
tombstun  more  violent  than  ever. 

The  burden  ov  menny  ov  the  songs'that  are  ritten 
iz  the  song  itself. 

Thare  iz  no  better  kompliment  tew  vartue  than 
this  :  "  That  Vise  alwus  konkocts  her  grate  plans  in 
the  naim  ov  vartue." 

The  tempel  ov  Fame  iz  lokated  on  an  exceeding  l;i 
raountin,  and  yu  hav  got  tew  fli  or  kreep  tew  git  tew 
it.  (N.  B.  This  provarb  haz  bin  ced  before,  and 
ain't  one  ov  mine,  but  it  iz  jiss  aa  tru  as  tho  it  was.) 


PKOVERBS.  179 

Buty  iz  a  short  suckcess,  but  while  it  lastes  it  iz 
quite  pretty. 

"  The^ow  ov  the  familee,"  iz,  alas  !  quite  oftin  a 
little  injun. 

If  innersense  iz  onla  the  result  ov  ignoranse,  it 
ain't  enny  more  one  ov  the  vartues  than  buty  iz ; 
but  if  it  iz  the  effek  ov  eddikashun  it  iz  the  queen  ov 
the  vartues. 

Vartue  needs  awl  the  enemys  she  haz  got,  tew 
keep  her  tools  bright  and  in  order. 

I  never  beleaved  mutch  in  spi?'its  unless  tha  kum 
direk  from  Jamaka,  and  then  onla  in  small-sized  ones, 

"  Absense  ov  mind ;  "  about  2  thirds  ov  the  humin 
rase  are  trubbled  with  this  kalamitee. 

It  talks  2  tew  maik  a  bargin ;  it  ought  tew  taik  2 
tew  brake  it. 

Yu  ma  differ  as  mutch  as  yu  plese  about  the  stile 
ov  a  yung  lady's  figger,  but  i  tell  yu'konfidenshally, 


180  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

if  she  has  got  $40,000,  the  figger  is  about  as  near 
rite  as  yu  wil  git  it. 

"Glory  enuff  for  one  day;"  attending  a  kamp 
meeting. 

Goldsmith  sez,  "-Larn  the  luxury  ov  dewing 
good  ;  "  but  the  luxury,  now  a  daze,  consiss  in  lam- 
ing how  tew  du  a  leetle  better. 

I  often  hear  affekshunate  husbands  kail  their  wifea 
"  Mi  Duck,"  i  wunder  if  this  ain't  a  sli  delusion  tew 
their  bis:  bills  ? 


LXIV. 

DISIPLIN  IZ  EVRATHING  — IN  2  PARTS 

Part  Fust  —  I  dont  suppoze  thare  is  ennj  dout 
about  this  assersliun.  A  man  who  haint  got  propper 
disiplin,  iz  jist  about  ov  az  mutch  uze  tew  hiz  fellow 
critters  az  a  wether  cock  wud  be  amung  a  parcil  ov 
barnyard  pulletts.  lujuns  haint  got  enny  disciplin, 
and,  konsequentla,  the  more  injuns  a  man  had  tew 
run  a  kotton  faktory  with,  the  wus  he  wud  be  oph. 
Turning  a  grinstone  iz  fust  rate  disiplin.  If  a  man 
ov  ornary  mind  haint  got  disiplin,  he  bekums  a  lofer 
the  fust  good  chanse  he  gits.  Thare  haz  bin,  perhaps, 
a  fu  individoals  born  into  the  world  that  did'nt  want 
mutch  disiplin  —  Homer,  and  Virgil,  and  Shakes- 
per,  and  sich  like,  if  tha  had  bin  sot  to  turning  a  grin- 
stone  it  mite  hav  spilt  them  —  tha  waz  like  Eagles, 
made  tu  fii  without  enny  praktis.  Disiplin  iz  evra- 
thing.  The  thurer  bred  Hoss  wants  the  smoothe  bit 
ov  disiplin  —  the  mule  wants  the  sled-stake  disiplin. 


182  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

Part  Seckiint. — Majer  Spenser  had  leaf  ov  ab- 
scense  from  his  regiment,  and  was  glad  enuff,  i  tell  yu, 
tew  swap  the  pesky  air  ov  the  suthern  konfederasj 
for  the  brittle  breth  ov  Nu  England.  lie  spent  hig 
time  a  climeing  the  mountains  ov  his  natifF  land,  and 
looking  way  dov/n  into  the  hollers  ;  he  worryed  the 
trouts  as  tha  swum  up  and  down  hill  in  the  brooks, 
and  he  gethered  penroyal  for  his  good  old  Ma  tu 
hang  up  in  the  wood  hous  chamber,  tew  make  arb  tea 
ov  next  winter.  Majer  Spenser  had  a  brother  who 
was  a  minister  ov  the  gospil,  and  the  Majer  boarded 
with  him.  One  Sunda  nite  the  minister  and  the 
Majjcr  sot  kommuning  together.  The  moon  cum  up 
out  ov  the  East,  as  big  as  an  old  fashund  kart  wheel 
(one  ov  the  ox  kind  ov  kart  wheels,  i  mean,)  the  stars 
stuk  clean  out  ov  the  ski,  and  the  air  was  filled 
with  the  musick  ov  the  cows  a  chawing  their  cuds  in 
the  distance.  All  natur  la  undisturbed.  "  Brother," 
ced  Parson,  a  braking  the  paws,  "  how  did  yu  like 
divine  sarvice  to-day?"  Very  well,  sir,  very  well, 
sir,"  ced  the  Majer,  '^  if  that  dam  deakin  ov  yiirs 
hadn't  refused  to  pra  when  yu  asked  him.  Disi' 
plin,  sir,  disipUn  iz  evry  thing. 


LXV. 

CORRESPONDENTS. 

Olivia  —  I  never  have  visited  the  Mormons,  but 
my  friend  Artemus  Vv^ard  has,  and  he  tells  me  they 
are  a  healthy  people,  and  fond  ov  femail  society. 
He  says  they  hav  more  religion,  akordin  to  their 
populashun,  than  tha  kno  what  to  dew  with.  They 
marry  young  and  often.  The  produkshun  ov  the 
country  iz  Mormons.  They  beleaf  in  a  hereafter, 
but  it  iz  genrally  a  hereafter  of  wimmin.  They  are 
fond  ov  amusements,  sich  az  pitching  cents  and  slid- 
ing down  hill. 

Scipio  —  If  I  had  the  dyspepsy  I  would  buy  me 
a  hard  trotting  hoss_  (off  from  the  kanawl,)  and  ride 
him  bare  back  40  miles  a  day  for  a  spase  ov  time. 
If  that  didn't  seem  tew  influense  me,  I  would  soke  in 
cold  water  for  12  months.  If  that  didn't  seem  tew 
influense  me.  I  would  issue  proposals  tew  the  lowest 
bidder  to  be  fed  'for  one  year   on    bran    bred    and 


184  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

slippery  elm  tea.  If  that  didn't  seem  tew  influense 
me.  I  would  sell  mj  house  and  lot,  and  invest  the 
proceeds  in  pattent  medisin,  and  take  the  whole  lot 
in  rotashun.  If  that  didn't  seem  tew  influense  me, 
I  would  cum  tew  the  konklusion  that  I  had  the 
■water  brash,  or  some  other  thing,  I  didn't  care  which, 
and  take  a  job  ov  thrashing  out  wet  rje  for  evry 
tenth  bushel,  and  git  —  well. 

Clarence  —  We  never  undertake  tew  return  rejek- 
ted  manuskrip.  The  fact  iz,  we  don't  read  more 
than  half  we  reject.     It  iz  a  way  we  hav  got. 

Matty  —  It  iz  very  natral  that  you  should  ask  me 
in  Avhat  manner  you  should  reseave  the  proposal 
from  your  lover.  It  iz  sumthing  ov  a  trick  tew  dew 
it  nice.  You  don't  ought  tew  jump  into  the  collar 
suddin,  nor  fly  back  suddin,  like  a  bocky  boss,  but 
yu  ought  tew  take  it  kind,  looking  down  hill,  with 
an  expreshun,  about  half  tickled  and  half  scart. 
After  the  pop  iz  over,  if  your  luvver  wants  tew  kis3 
you,  I  dont  think  I  would  say  yes  or  no,  but  let  the 
thing  kind  ov  take  its  own  course.  There  iz  one 
thing  I  hav  alwus  stuck  tew,  and  that  iz,  give 
me  long  courtships  and  engagements. 


CORRESPONDENTS.  185 

Stujent — ^We  never  furnish  ortograflfs  in  less  quan- 
tity than  bi  the  package.  It  iz  a  bizness  that  grate 
men  hav  got  into,  but  it  dont  strik  us  az  being  profit- 
able nor  amuzing.  We  furnished  a  near  and  very 
dear  friend  our  ortograff  a  few  years  ago,  for  90 
days,  and  it  got  into  the  hands  ov  one  of  the  banks, 
and  it  kost  us  $275  tew  get  it  back.  We  went  out 
of  the  bizzness  then,  and  have  not  'hankered  for  it 
Biose. 


LXVI. 
JOSn  BILLINGS  AT  SARATOGA   SPRINGS 

It  will  probely  fill  you  with  an  arnest  solisitude  for 
mi  fate,  az  it  dus  me  with  emoshuns  of  stupenjus 
grander,  tu  find  miself  at  this  grate  modern  Siloam, 
this  august  whirlpool  ov  wine,  wimmin  and  bosses ; 
this  fairy  sceen  ov  poetry,  dreams,  and  natural  fisick. 
Upon  mi  arival,  i  took  immegiate  rooms  at  the  tav- 
ern called  the  "  Union  now  and  forever,"  and  com- 
mensed  at  onst  tu  kreate  a  sensashun  —  "  Dignatum 
hok  hanimum  disisimo."  This  centiment  is  from 
the  Chocktaw  ov  Raphael,  and  is  one  ov  mi  favorite 
quotashuns. 

The  town  is  about  haf  full  ov  folks,  menny  of  them 
hav  been  higbly  renowned.  I  kould  name  them 
personaly  by  name,  but  this  wud  look  like  affehshun 
in  me,  az  tha  hav  alreddy  sent  in  their  hard,  and 
begged  the  privilege  ov  kalling  on  me,  at  mi  moste 
soonest  spare  time.     It  will  be  impossible  for  me, 


JOSH    BILLINGS   AT   SARATOGA   SPRINGS,      187 

my  amiable  friends,  tu  give  yu  ennything  like  a 
well  digested  orashun,  ov  the  eckstatick  wondera 
that  hover  around  me,  among  which  i  am  permitted 
tu  menshun  the  pensiv  modesta  ov  the  unmarried  ; 
the  gushing  rapture  ov  the  married ;  the  shadowy 
.tenderness  ov  the  widders,  and  the  universal  fisick 
that  fills  up  the  pauzes.  Theze  are  subjecks  which 
hav  bin  writ  onto  so  much  that  all  the  good  things 
haz  bin  said. 

It  iz  a  source  ov  grate  pride  tu  see  so  menny 
here  from  youre  citty,  and  what  fills  me  with  grati- 
tude tu  an  overruling  Providence,  iz  the  fiic  that 
their    festiv    naturs    develop    into    such    lovelyness 

here  ;  thare  iz  dekon  L ,  and  Elder  P ,  for 

instanze,  with  whom  i  take  a  drink  evry  time  tha 
ask  me.  I  think  now  that  i  shall  remain  here  for 
sevral  years.  I  am  allmost  sorry  i  didn't  bring  mi 
jewelry  trunk  with  me  ;  i'll  bet  i  could  hav  sold  a 
thousand  Dollars  worth  a  da,  ov  brest  pins.  It  iz  a 
fust  rate  place  here  tu  buy  bosses  cheap,  i  waz  off- 
ered 2  carriage  bosses  for  onla  25  hundred  dollars ; 
i  shud  hav  tuk  them,  but  i  couldn't  hire  enny 
boddy  tu  take  them  hum  for  me.  There  iz  a  grate 
menny  here  who  talk  with  a  forrin  tung.  I  am 
trieing  it.     My  wife  laffs  at  me,  and  kails  me  "  her 


188  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

dark  komplekted  one  !  "  —  Tha  hav  got  here  alreddy 
tu  or  three  billyard  tabils  in  suckcessfal  operrashun, 
and  i  am  told  that,  if  pease  iz  declared,  nex  season 
tha  intend  tu  start  a  10-pin  allee. 

Congriss  Spring  is  lokated  here ;  it  tasts  verry 
much  like  sum  thing  or  ruther,  i  kant  tell  which,  and 
iz  now  generally  admitted  tu  be  kartharticus.  I 
am  partiklar  impressed  with  the  moral  centiment  that 
pervades  things  here.  I  am  told  a  man  wanted  ta 
hire  a  room  tu  gamble  in  with  dominoze,  but  the  au- 
thoritize  immejiately  burnt  him  in  eflSgee.  Dimonds 
are  trumps  here,  and  menny  good  hands  are  held. 
Thare  is  no  end  tu  the  number  ov  selebrated  belles 
here.  Thare  is  one  that  cums  out  about  3  o'clock 
every  day,  that  takes  them  all  down.  I  allude  now 
in  a  kind  ov  burleskish  wa  tu  the  di/mer-heW. 
But,  after  all,  Solomon  gits  mi  time  when  he  bust 
out  in  this  fashun,  "  All  is  vanitee  and  vexashun  of 
spirits."  Good  for  Solomon  !  Mi  christain  friends, 
good-bi.  Josh  Billinss. 


LXVII. 

NOT  ENNY  SHANGHI  EOR  ME. 

The  shanghi  ruseter  is  a  gentile,  and  speaks  in  a 
forrin  tung.  He  is  bilt  on  piles  like  a  Sandy  Hill 
crane.  If  be  had  bin  bilt  with  4  legs,  he  wud  resem- 
bel  the  peruvian  lama.  He  is  not  a  game  animil,  but 
quite  often  cums  off  sekund  best  in  a  ruff  and  tum- 
ble fite ;  like  the  injuns,  tha  kant  stand  sivilization, 
and  are  fast  disappearing.  Tha  roost  on  the  ground, 
similar  tew  the  mud  turkle.  Tha  oftin  go  to  sleep 
standing,  and  sum  times  pitch  over,  and  when  tha 
dew,  tha  enter  the  ground  like  a  pickaxe.  Thare 
food  consis  ov  korn  in  the  ear.  Tha  crow  like  a 
jackass,  troubled  with  the  bronskeesucks.  Tha  will 
eat  as  mutch  tu  onst  as  a  district  skule  master,  and 
ginerallj  sit  down  rite  oph  tew  keep  from  tipping 
over.  Tha  are  dredful  unhandy  tew  cook,  yu  hav 
tu  bile  one  eend  ov  them  tu  a  time,  yu  kant  git 
them  awl  into  a  potash  kittle  tu  onst.     The  femail 


190  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

ruster  lajs  an  eg  as  big  as  a  kokernut,  and  is  sick  for  a 
week  afterwards,  and  when  she  hatches  out  a  litter 
of  yung  shanghis  she  has  tew  brood  them  standing 
and  then  kant  kiver  but  3  ov  them — the  rest  stand 
around  on  the  outside,  like  boys  around  a  cirkus  tent, 
gitting  a  peep  under  the  kanvas  when  ever  tha  kan. 
The  man  who  fust  brought  the  breed  into  this  kun- 
try  ought  tew  own  them  all  and  be  obliged  tew  feed 
theni  on  grasshoppers,  caught  bi  hand.  I  never 
owned  but  one  and  he  got  choked  tu  deth  bi  a  kink 
in  a  clothes  line,  but  not  until  he  had  swallered  18 
feet  ov  it.  Not  enny  shanghi  for  me,  if  yu  pleze ;  i 
wuld  rather  board  a  travelling  kolporter,  and  as  for 
eating  one,  giv  me  a  biled  owl  rare  dun,  or  a  turkee 
buzzard,  roasted  hole,  and  stuffed  with  a  pair  ov  in- 
jun  rubber  boots,  but  not  enny  shanghi  for  me,  not  a 
shanshi ! 


Lxyiii. 

IS  DISPOSING  OV  THINGS  FOR  CHAEITABEL 
PURPOSES  BI  "LOT"  A  SIN? 

EXAMINED  BY  JOSH  BILLIKGS. 

Pustly  —  I  think  it  is  a  sin.  So  it  is  a  sin  tew  dew 
a  sin,  that  good  may  cum  out  ov  it,  but  the  good 
that  comes  out  ov  it  aint  a  sin,  is  it  ?     Ha  ! 

Sekundly  —  I  think  it  is  a  sin  onse  more.  So  i 
think  the  manefakter  ov  sider  brandee  is  a  sin,  but 
the  use  ov  it  tew  kure  the  rhumatiz  aint  a  sin 
mutch. 

Thirdly  —  I  think  it  is  a  sin  onse  morely.  So  is 
this  war  a  sin,  but  we  awl  of  us  are  in  hopes  that  its 
fruits  will  be  righteousness,  and  righteousness  aint 
no  sin. 

Fourthly  —  I  keep  thinking  that  it-is  a  sin.  So  is 
cutting  oph  a  dog's  tale  tew  keep  it  from  gitting  step- 
ped on,  a  sin,  but  it  dont  hurt  the  dog  for  ketching 
rats,  duz  it? 


192  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

Fifthly  and  lastly,  i  kno  it  is  a  sin.  Bekase  awl 
those  who  make  the  most  fuss  about  it,  are  the  verry 
ones,  who  if  tha  shud  be  misled  into  buying  a  tiket 
for  one  dollar  and  didn't  draw  a  mowing  masheen, 
wud  feal  rite  off  as  tho  the  Lord  warnt  on  their  side. 

Moral. —  Dont  engage  in  a  "Lot,"  unless  yu  are 
parfekly  willing  the  Lord  shud  have  the  tiket  and 
the  mowing  masheen  too. 


'Not  enny  Shanghi  for  me,  not  enry. " — See  page  189 


LXIX. 

ADVERTIZEMENT; 

I  kan  sell  for  eighteen  hundred  and  thirtj-nino 
dollars,  a  pallas,  a  sweet  and  pensive  retirement,  lo- 
kated  on  the  virgin  banks  ov  the  Hudson,  kontaining 
85  acres.  The  land  is  luxuriously  divided  bj  the 
hand  of  natur  and  art,  into  pastor  and  tillage,  into 
plain  and  deklivity,  into  stern  abruptness,  and  the 
dallianse  ov  moss-tufted  medder  ;  streams  ov  spark- 
ling gladness,  (thick  with  trout,)  danse  through  this 
■wilderness  ov  butj,  tew  the  low  musik  ov  the  kricket 
and  grasshopper.  The  evergreen  sighs  az  the  eve- 
ning zephir  flits  through  its  shadowy  buzzum,  and 
the  aspen  trembles  like  the  luv-smitten  harte  ov  a 
damsell.  Fruits  ov  the  tropicks,  in  golden  buty, 
melt  on  the  bows,  and  the  bees  go  heavj  and  sweet 
from  the  fields  to  their  garnering  hives.  The  man- 
shun  iz  ov  Parian  marble,  the  porch  iz  a  single  dia- 
mond, set  with  rubiz  and  the  mother  ov  pearl ;  the 
9 


194  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

floors  are  ov  rosewood,  and  the  ceilings  are  more  bu- 
tiful  than  the  starry  vault  of  heavin.  Hot  and  cold 
water  bubbles  and  squirts  in  evry  apartment,  and 
nothing  is  wanting  that  a  poet  could  pra  for,  or  art 
could  portray.  The  stables  are  worthy  of  the  steeds 
ov  Nimrod  or  the  studs  ov  Akilles,  and  its  henery 
waz  bilt  expressly  for  the  birds  of  paradice ;  while 
Bomber  in  the  distance,  like  the  cave  ov  a  hermit, 
glimpses  are  caught  ov  the  dorg-house.  Here  poets 
hav  cum  and  warbled  their  laze  —  here  skulptora 
hav  cut,  here  painters  hav  robbed  the  scene  ov 
dreamy  landskapes,  and  here  the  philosopher  diskov- 
ered  the  stun,  which  made  him  the  alkimist  ov  natur. 
Nex  northward  ov  this  thing  ov  buty,  sleeps  the  res- 
idense  and  domain  ov  the  Duke  John  Smith  ;  while 
southward,  and  nearer  the  spice-breathing  tropicks, 
may  be  seen  the  barronial  villy  ov  Earl  Brown,  and 
the  Duchess,  Widder  Betsy  Stevens.  "Walls  ov 
primitiff  rock,  laid  in  Boman  cement,  bound  the  es- 
tate, while  upward  and  downward,  the  eye  catches 
far  away,  the  magesta  and  slow  grander  ov  the  Hud- 
son. As  the  young  morn  hangs  like  a  cutting  ov 
silver  from  the  blu  brest  ov  the  ski,  an  angel  may  be 
seen  each  night  dansing  with  golden  tiptoes  on  the 
green.     (N.  B.  This  angel  goes  with  the  place.) 


ADVERTIZEMENT.  195 

Biagrams  kan  be  seen  at  the  offiss  ov  the  broker. 
Terms  flattering.  None  but  principals  delt  with. 
Title  as  pure  as  the  breth  ov  a  white  male  infant, 
and  possession  given  with  the  lark.  For  more  full 
deskripshun,  read  Ovid's  Art  ov  Luv,  or  kail  (in 
jure  carriage)  on  Josh  Billings,  Real  Estate  Agent. 


LXX 

OUT  WEST  ! 

Tha  8a  the  praree  chickens  are  so  thik,  out  West, 
tha  hav  tew  put  up  poles  awl  over  the  kuntry  for 
them  tew  roost  on. 

When  tha  bust  up,  out  there,  tha  pay  their  debts, 
by  jineing  the  church. 

It  being  agin  the  law  tew  carry  consealed  weep- 
ons,  evry  man  carrys  one  in  his  hand. 

A  man  who  don't  kno  how  tew  pla  uker,  would  not 
be  believed  under  oath. 

It  iz  5  dollars  fine,  in  Cinsinnatti,  tew  strike  a 
hog,  in  anger. 

Tha  don't  bore  for  ile,  out  thare,  tha  bore  for 
whiskee,  and  hav  the  best  luk  in  the  visinity  ov  the 
graveyards. 

In  sum  parts,  out  West,  it  iz  almoste  unpossibel 
tew  git  water ;  one  man  in  Pike  County  dug  a  well 
90  feet  deep,  and  then  struk  a  bed  ov  sawdust ;  he  put 


OUT  WEST.  197 

in  an  injine,  and  iz  pumping  out  a  1000  bushel  a  da, 
which  he  sells  tew  the  Government,  for  hoss  feed. 

The  prinsipal   produkshuns   or   the   kuntrj  are, 
whiskee  in  the  ear,  and  rale  rode  stok  in  the  bundle. 


LXXI. 

SAYINS. 

About  the  only  difference  between  the  poor  and 
the  ritcb,  is  this,  the  poor  suffer  mizerj,  while  the 
ritch  hav  tu  enjoy  it. 

"  Bee  yee  as  wize  as  a  sarpint,  and  as  harmlis  as  a 
duve,"  and  then  if  a  feller  cums  a  fooling  around 
yure  duve,  yu  kan  set  yure  sarpint  at  him.  . 

Rize  arly,  work  hard,  and  late,  live  on  what  yu 
kant  sell,  giv  nothing  awa,  and  if  yu  dont  die  ritch, 
and  go  tu  the  devil,  yu  ma  sue  me  for  damages. 

Marriu  for  love  ma  be  a  little  risky,  but  it  la  so 
honest,  that  God  kant  help  but  smile  on  it. 

There  is  one  thing  I  kant  never  forgit  nor  I  hain 
tried  to,  and  that  is,  the  fust  time  I  kissed  a  gal. 


SAYINS.  199 

If  I  was  asked,  "  what  is  the  chief  end  of  man 
now  a  daze."  I  should  immegiatlj  repli,  "  10  per 
cent." 

Yu  may  argj  a  bull  Tarrier  out  ov  a  bone,  but  yu 
kant  argy  a  woman  out  ov  her  will. 

Mi  advise  tu  them  who  are  about  tu  begin,  in  ar- 
nest,  the  jurney  ov  life,  is  tu  take  their  harte  in  one 
hand  and  a  club  in  the  other. 

The  biggest  glutton  I  ever  herd  tell  ov,  was  the 
feller  out  in  Indianny,  who  eat  a  pair  ov  twin  lams 
for  brekfast,  and  then  chased  the  ole  yew  three  miles 
and  a  haf. 

The  peacock  has  one  ov  the  most  butifullest  tails 
in  the  world,  but  i  tak  notis  he  dont  drag  it  on  the 
ground  when  he  walks  out. 


LXXII. 
A  WIMMIN'S  LEAGUE  MEETIN. 

I  don't  kno  when  i  hav  bin  filled  so  near  up  tew 
the  brim  with  a' fond  feelink  for  the  fair  sek  az  i  was 
last  nite  at  mi  natiff  plase,  the  good  old  borough  ov 
Billingsville,  whither  i  had  gone  on  a  visit  tew  git  mi 
boots  tapped.  The  wimmin  had  called  a  meetin'  ov 
the  fair  sekts  tew  take  into  konsiderashun  the  propri- 
ety ov  not  wareing  enny  more  clothes,  that  is,  forrin 
bilt  clothes.  The  meetin  waz  got  into  shape  bi  kall- 
ing  Mrs.  Peleg  Pewter  tew  the  chair.  The  fust 
thing  she  did  waz  tew  create  a  silence,  which  she  did 
after  about  30  minnits,  awl  excep  a  fu  whispering, 
which  she  could  not  dry  up. 

The  style  ov  the  meetin'  having  bin  sot  up  in  big 
type  bi  the  Mrs.  Peleg  Pewter,  she  ced  thare  waz  an 
opening,  and  no  less  than  4  wimmin  started  for  the 
opening  at  onst;  but  the  president  decided  that 
Mrs.  Cynthee  Coon  waz  about  one  neck  ahed,  and 


A  wimmin's  league  meetin.  201 

tharefore,  waz  entitled  tew  the  fust  heat.     She  waz  a 

woman  about  14  hands  hi,  and  wore  wollen  stockinirs. 

She  ced  she  waz  for  home  manafakter  and  waz  agin 

o 

awl  luxury  excep  a  nu  shawl,  and  that  she  must  hav. 
She  ced  she  waz  willing  tew  giv  up  silk,  but  she 
must  hav  1  more  nu  shawl  if  it  bust  her. 

She  ced  she  thought  thare  ought  tew  be  sum  dis- 
kriminashun  between  what  folks  didn't  want  and 
■what  tha  did,  and  for  her  part  she  was  reddy  tew  go 
her  length  or  ennyboddj  else's  length  agin  the  no- 
shun  that  poor  people  had  ov  hankering  after  import- 
ed goods. 

Her  speech  lasted  for  about  2  hours,  and  was  lis- 
tened to  with  breathless  expense.  When  she  sot 
down  the  wimmin  gathered  around  her ;  sum  ov 
them  held  camphor  tew  her  noze,  sura  ov  them  un- 
hooked her  dress,  and  one  ov  them,  more  thoughtful 
than  the  rest,  mixed  up  a  gin  sling,  which  she  strug- 
gled with  for  a  minnit,  and  then  ced  it  did  her  soul 
good.  A  committee  ov  3  ov  the  heavyest  wimmin 
was  appointed  bi  the  chair  with  power  tew  draw  up  a 
sett  ov  resolushuns  which  was  reported  as  follows : 

Whereas,  resolved,  that  silks,  and  shawls,  and  so 
orth,  are  a  luxury  from  imported  kuntrys,  and   we 
are  down  on  them. 

9» 


202  JOSH    BILLINGS. 

Resolved^  that  we  are  down  on  silks  and  shawls. 

Resolved^  that  we  wont  uze  silks  and  shawls  onla 
in  case  ov  sickness. 

Resolved,  that  the  foregoing  resolushuns  be  pub- 
lished 3  times  a  week  in  the  Billingsville  Weekly, 
and  that  our  husbands  foot  the  bills  or  we  foot 
them  —  the  bills. 

Resolved,  that  we  pledg  ourselfs,  our  fortins.  and 
our  natiff  land,  tew  sustane  the  above  sett  ov  resolu- 
shuns. 

After  taking  a  pinch  ov  snuff,  and  kissing  awl 
around,  the  meeting  broke  up  tew  meet  "  sine  die  "  on 

the  next  Teusday. Ov  course  no  male  man 

was  allowed  at  the  meetin',  but  i  receaved  a  koppa  ov 
the  resolushuns  the  nex  morning,  accompanjed  with 
mi  respeks. 


LXXIIL 

A  TRUE  FISH  STORY  FOUNDED  OX  FAK 

In  a  little  town  awa  out  wes  whar  i  used  tew  liv, 
thare  wast  two  elders  resided.  One  ov  them  wast  a 
Babtiss,  Gaffit  bi  name,  and  the  other  wast  a  Metho- 
dis,  Slurgiss  bi  name,  and  both  ov  them  wast  as  good 
fellers  as  ever  sarved  the  Lord.  As  good  luk  wud 
hav  it  tha  both  had  a  revival  ov  religion  in  their  floka 
at  thesame  time.  Gaffit  was  a  cunning  critter,  besides 
being  as  harmless  as  the  duv.  Thare  was  but  one 
pond  in  the  town,  and  that  was  used  for  babtizing  by 
agreement,  on  wensday  ov  each  week,  bi  Gaffit,  and 
on  Saturday  bi  Sturgiss.  One  wensday,  as  Gaffit 
was  engaged  in  marking  his  sheep,  or  in  uther  wurds, 
was  bi  the  side  ov  the  little  pond  ov  water  adminster- 
ing  the  rite  ov  babtism  tew  a  goodla  number,  whom 
he  had  coaxed  awa  from  the  wiles  ov  the  devil,  Stur- 
giss looked  in  upon  the  happy  scene,  with  eys  brim- 
ful ov  luv.     Amung   the  menny  who  ware   waiting 


204  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

tew  be  babtized,  Sturgiss  diskovered  sevral  whom  he 
had  convikted,  and  whom  he  expetked  tew  add  tew 
his  flok  on  the  camming  saturda.  The  nex  da  the 
two  elders  met,  Sturgiss  charged  Gaffit  with  the 
pious  fraud  he  had  detekted  hi  the  side  ov  the  little 
pond.  Gaffit' s  eyes  puckered  with  delite,  as  he  lis- 
tened tew  the  charge,  then  seezin  the  methodis  elder 
bi  the  hand  with  an  extra  pucker  in  his  eye,  whisper- 
ed: "  Brother  Sturgiss,  mi  father  larnt  me  when  i 
was  but  a  little  fisher-boy,  tew  string  mi  fish  as  fast 
as  i  ketched  'em." 


LXXIV. 

AT  SARATOGA  SPRINGS. 

I  arrived  here  nite  before  last  at  arly  kandle  lite. 
Mi  wife  and  2  children  ackompanjed  me.  The  fust 
thing  that  i  did  was  tu  call  for  a  tavern  ;  i  got  one 
immegiatelj,  and  took  a  room,  from  choice,  in  the 
Seventh  story,  all  the  rooms  above  wer  took.  The 
tavern  whare  i  stop,  is  called  the  Union,  one,  and 
inseprable.  The  bar  is  stocked  with  the  choicest 
lickers.  Thare  must  be  3  or  4  hundred  black  ser- 
viants  here,  tha  all  wear  white  aporns,  and  hav  their 
hair  curled  clos.  The  tavern  keeper  rings  a  gong 
with  a  klub  when  the  vittles  is  reddj,  and  then  the 
boarders  march  in  ;  'tis  a  moste  effecting  site  !  I 
havent  et  enynthing  yet  but  briled  chickens.  I 
gess  evry  body  here  knows  me,  tha  look  at  me  so. 
1  kreated  a  sensashun  yesterday  after  dinner,  on  tho 
front  stupe  ov  the  tavern,  by  calling  a  cullard  ser- 
vant tu  pick  mi  teeth.     I  herd  one  ov  the  ladys 


206  JOSH   BILLING9. 

sa,  '•'  i  was  an  English  Lord,  she  had  saw  me  at 
Nuport  laste  seson."  I  shall  sta  here  as  long  as  i 
can  injuce  mi  females  tu  remain.  This  is  the  place 
where  the  congriss  water  cums  from ;  tha  dip  it  up 
out  ov  a  hole  in  the  ground,  with  a  roof  over  it,  you 
can  drink  4  or  5  tumblers  ov  it  tu  onst,  without 
swallering;  it  tastes  a  good  deal  like  sumthing  i 
never  tasted  before,  and  it  operates  on  the  inwards 
for  all  the  world,  just  like  pills.  It  dus  look  so 
funnj  tu  see  8  or  9  hundred  mails,  and  femails,  all 
taking  fisick  tu  once ;  '  tis  a  pensiv  sight !  The 
town  kontains  about  6  thousand  folks,  and  about  as 
mennj  more  individuals ;  the  individuals  spend  their 
time  going  up  and  down  the  back  stairs  and  taking 
fisick.  The  natur  ov  the  sile  around  here  is  sandy, 
and  pine  trees,  about  half  and  half.  Thare  is  a  rase 
course  here,  built  in  a  sircile,  whare  tha  make  boss- 
es go  round  and  round  ;  tis  delitesum  tu  behold ! 
Three  miles  out  east  of  the  village  tha  hav  built  a 
fashionable  pond;  evrybody  goes  thare  tu  spend 
their  munny ;  tha  ask  8  cents  a  glass  for  their 
whiska  !  The  sosietah  here  is  permiskus,  blaklega 
and  deakons,  divines  and  pugerlistics,  judges  and 
jockeys,  congressmen  and  harlots,  devils  and  Qua- 
kers, so  judciously  mixed  up,   'tis  food  for  the  filoso- 


AT   SARATOGA   SPRINGS.  207 

pick  mind.  A  grate  mennj  young  wiramin  are 
brought  here  annually  tu  git  married ;  the  kourting 
is  all  did  by  the  mothers,  in  fac  the  wimmin  du  it  all 
here  excep  pay  the  bills.  A  man  at  Saratoger  don't 
hav  enny  more  tu  sa,  or  du,  than  an  old  gander  du3 
■when  a  goose  is  setting.  The  citizens  ov  this  place 
hav  onla  one  kind  ov  religion  or  pollyticks,  and  that 
is  congriss  water.  I  kant  rite  enny  more  just  now, 
i  hav  got  tu  go  down  stairs. 

Aju,    Josh  Billinos. 


LXXV. 

SPIRITUAL  BELIEF  OY  THE  BILLINGSES. 

We  beleaf  in  ardent  spirits  —  sich  az  cliaritee,  par- 
saveranse,  and  patrotisra.  We  beleaf  in  animil  spi- 
rits —  sich  az  fast  bosses,  vigerous  cats,  and  ambi- 
shus  rat  terriers.  We  beleaf  in  the  spirits  ov  76  — 
sich  az  ole  Jamaka,  and  Santa  Cruize,  jist  a  little 
for  the  rumatiz.  We  beleaf  in  the  evidence  ov  de- 
parted spirits,  a  good  deal  —  sich  az  temprance  hous- 
es, lemonade  picknix,  and  water  kurc  establishments. 
We  beleaf  in  the  spirits  of  just  men  —  but  beleaf 
thej  ar  skase.  We  beleaf  in  the  spirit  ov  revenge  — 
if  a  muskeeter  bites  jou  without  provocation,  kill  awl 
the  muskeeters,  nex  ov  kin,  in  the  naberhood.  We 
beleaf  in  the  spirit  ov  forgiveness  —  if  we  owe  a 
man,  and  we  won't  paj  him,  let  him  forgiv  tho 
iet. 


LXXVI. 

JOSH  BILLINGS  CORRESPOXDS  WITH  A  "HAIR 
OIL  AND  VEGETABLE  BITTERS  MAN  " 

Dear  Doktor  Hirsute  :  —  I  reseaved  a  tin  cup 
ov  yure  "  Hair  purswader,"  also  a  bottle  ov  jure 
Salvashum  Bitters,"  bi  express,  for  which,  I  express 
my  thanks.  The  greenbak,  which  yu  enklozed  waz 
the  kind  ov  purswader  that  we  ov  the  press  fully 
understand.  Yur  hair  greese,  shall  hav  a  reglar 
gimnastik  puff,  jist  az  soon  az  i  kan  find  a  spare 
time.  I  tried  a  little  ov  it  on  an  old  counter  brush 
in  my  oflBss,  this  morning,  and  in  15  minnitts,  the 
brussells  grew  az  long  az  a  bosses  tale,  and  i  no- 
tis  this  afternoon,  the  hair  begins  tew  cum  up  thru, 
on  bak  ov  the  brush,  'tis  really  wonderful !  'tis  almoste 
Eureka !  I  rubbed  a  drop  or  two  on  the  head  ov  mi 
cane,  which  haz  bin  bald  for  more  than  5  years,  and 
beggar  me  !  if  I  don't  hav  to  shave  the  cane  handle, 


210  JOSH   BILLIXQS. 

evrj  day,  before  I  can  walk  out  with  it.  I  hav  a 
verry  favrite  cat,  she  iz  one  ov  the  Hambletonian 
breed  ov  cats,  and  altho  she  iz  young,  and  haint  bin 
trained  yet,  she  shows  grate  signs  ov  speed.  I 
thought  I  would  just  rob  the  corck  ov  the  bottle  on 
the  floor,  in  the  corner  ov  the  room  whare  the  cat 
generally  repozes.  The  consequents  waz,  sum  ov 
the  "  purswader  "  got  onto  the  hair  ov  the  cat's  tale. 
"When  the  cat  aroze  from  her  slumbers  she  cauo-ht 
eight  ov  her  tale,  which  had  growed  tew  an  exalted 
size  ;  taking  one  more  look  at  the  tale,  she  started, 
and  bi  the  good  olde  Mozes  !  sich  running ;  across 
the  yard  !  over  the  fence  !  up  wun  side  ov  an  apple 
tree  !  and  down  the  other  !  out  into  the  fields,  away  ! 
away  !  The  laste  i  saw  Ov  the  cat,  she  waz  pretty 
mutch  awl  tale.  I  wouldn't  hav  took  10  dollars  for 
the  cat,  Avith  her  old  tale  on  her.  In  a  fu  daze, 
i  shall  find  a  spare  time,  and  then  i  shall  write  up, 
for  our  paper  sumthing  pyroteknik,  which  will  make 
the  hair  grow  on  the  head  ov  a  number  2  mackrel, 
to  read  it. 

Dear  Doktor,  the  fact  iz,  '•'  sum  men  are  born 
grate,  sum  men  git  grate  after  they  are  born,  and 
sum  men  hav  grateness  hove  upon  them."  Doctor, 
you  are  awl  3  ov  these  men,  in  one.     You  are  a 


JOSH  billings'  correspondence.        211 

kind  ov  vegatable  trinity,  sassyfras3,  pokeroot,  and 
elderbeiTv.  It  waz  a  liappee  thought  in  you.  tew  call 
your  "  Salvashun  Bitters  "a  "  vegatabel  tonieks," 
although,  old  rye  aint  one  ov  the  vegatabels, 
vrhiskee  iz  one  ov  the  tonieks.  The  peopel  must 
hev  tonieks,  and  the  more  vegatabels  you  kan  git 
into  the  gratest  amount  ov  whiskee,  the  more  the  peo- 
pel will  luv  you.  Thare  is  nothing  the  christian  world 
long  for  so  mutch,  just  now,  as  a  vegatabel  bitter. 
Sassyfrass  is  good  for  a  lonesum  stummuk,  pokeroot  is 
an  alteratiff,  and  Elderberry  was  known  to  the  an- 
shients,  but  what  !  oh  tell  me  what !  yee  Avhispring 
winds,  what !  are  awl  these  without  whiskee.  Thank 
the  Lord,  that  at  laste,  we  hav  got  a  bitter,  that 
will  tonick  a  man  up.  Nothing,  sinze  the  good  old 
daze  ov  Jamaka  Rum,  and  sider  Brandee.  haz  sent 
sich  a  thrill  ov  joy  thru  the  wurld,  az  ''  Hirsute's  Sal- 
vashun Bitters,"  sold  respektably  hi  awl  druggists, 
far  and  near. 

Go  on  Doktur,  manafaktring,  and  selling,  let  the 
cod  liver,  and  pattent  truss  men,  howl  out  in  envy, 
let  pills  rant,  and  plasters  rave,  you  hav  got  what 
the  wurld  wants,  and  will  have,  and  that  iz,  an  orb 
bitter,  with  a  broad  whiskee  basis. 

N.  B.  —  Bizziness,  Doctor,  iz  bizziness.     The  hi 


212  JOSH  BILLINGS. 

prise  ov  material,  and  laber,  haz  put  up  puffs  with 
us,  but  upon  the  reseipt  ov  50  Dollars  more,  yu  kan 
rely  upon  sumthing,  in  our  weekly,  that  -will  send 
"  Salvashun,  and  Purswashun"  whirlino:  thru  the 
land. 

P.  S. —  Let  me  advize  yu  az  a  friend ;  if  it  iz 
indispensible    necessary  tew    cheat   a   little,  in  the 
manufakter  ov  the  "  Salvashun  Bitters,"  let  it  by 
awl  means  be  in  the  rutes,  dont  lower  the  basis. 
Yures  quietly. 

Josh  Billings. 


LXXVII. 

PROVERBS. 

He  who  buys  begrudginglj,  pays  the  higest  prise 
and  gits  nothing  that  sutes  him. 

It  iz  jist  about  az  mutch  mizery  tew  want  a  dimond 
ring,  as  tew  want  a  shirt. 

The  author  who  rites  for  bred,  wil  giv  hiz  readers  a 
taste  ov  emptins. 

I  never  knu  a  fool  who  hadn't  a  good  voice. 

Thieves  hunt  in  couples,  but  a  liar  has  no  accom- 
plice. 

Az  men  gro  older,  their  opinyuns,  like  their  dis* 
scazes,  grow  kronick. 


214  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

Wimmin  luv  their  hustbands,  but  tha  worship 
their  bonnets. 

The  man  who  kant  liv  a  week  on  hope,  and  then 
maik  a  hartj  meal  on  the  result  is  no  philozopher. 

I  often  cum  akross  inidividoals,  quite  oftenlj,  who 
think  tha  hav  never  committed  ennj  sins  or  indis- 
creshuns  in  this  life,  such  people  i  pittj,  for  they 
wont  kno  when  they  git  to  heaven. 

Az  a  gineral  thing,  if  yu  want  tew  git  at  the 
truth  ov  a  perlitikal  argyment,  hear  both  sides  and 
beleave  neither. 

Thare  iz  a  multitude  of  folks  who  mean  well  enuff 
but  how  like  the  devel  tha  act. 

Opportunitays,  like  eggs  don't  kum  but  one  at  a 
time. 

I  luv  to  gaze  upon  a  hily  eddikated  and  intilektoo- 
al  woman,  but  I  kant  sa  that  I  want  tew  belong  tew 
one  ov  this  klass. 


PROVERBS.  215 

True  honour  iz  a  keen  perception  ov  what  iz  rite, 
falze  honour  iz  a  keen  affectashun  ov  what  iz  rons. 

''  Giv  the  devil  hiz  clue,"  reads  wel  enuflf  in  a 
proverb,  but  mi  friend  what  will  bekum  ov  you  and  me 
if  this  arrangement  iz  carried  out  ? 

If  yu  are  happy,  dont  proklaim  it  tew  the  world, 
the  world  dont  luv  tew  hear  about  sich  things. 

A  jest  iz  sumthing  that  a  fule  admires,  and  a 
wize  man  laffs  at. 

Vartue  that  haint  bin  tempted,  and  wine  that 
haint  bin  tasted,  iz  verry  good  vartue,  and  verry 
good  wine,  in  bottles. 

Thare  iz  jist  this  difference  between  a  fule  and  a 
hen,  the  fule  cackels  before,  and  the  hen  not  till 
after  the  egf;  iz  lade. 


'  .  LXXVIII. 

DOMESTIK  RECEIPTS  IN  FULL. 

Tew  sarve  up  cowcumbers  —  pick  them  when  tLe 
dew  is  on  them,  pare  them  neatly,  slice  them  thin, 
add  salt  and  let  them  stand  for  60  minnitts,  pepper 
them  freely,  add  good  sharpe  vinegar,  and  then  — 
raze  up  the  window  carefully,  and  throw  them  out. 

Tew  make  watermelons  the  old  fashioned  wa  — 
steal  them  bi  moonlite,  and  eat  them  in  the  next  lot. 

Lobsters  want  tew  be  boiled  whole  till  they  are 
ded,  pour  ice  cream  over  them,  send  for  the  docktor, 
eat  them  before  going  tu  bed,  and  tell  yure  friends 
the  next  da,  that  yu  hav  bin  threatened  with  an  at- 
tak  ov  the  —  rebbels. 

Tew  remove  goose  pimples  —  skin  the  goose. 


Women's  Rights  Coaventioii — Mrs.  Peleg  Pewter  takes  the  chair. 
See  page  200. 


D0ME3TIK    RECEIPTS    IN    FULL.  217 

Tew  kure  hams  —  bathe  them  ia  Hostcttcr's  Bit- 
ters. 

Tew  bring  up  a  child  in  the  wa  he  should  go  — 
travel  that  wa  yourself 


LXXIX. 

FAKS. 

Josh  Billings,  begs  leaf  tu  state : 

That  onions  are  good  for  a  had  breth. 

That  Rockawa  clams  are  a  good  opening  for  enny 
jung  man. 

That  ships  are  kalled  she  bekauze  tha  alwus  keep 
a  man  on  the  lookout. 

That  "turning  water  into  wine  "  is  a  mirakle  in 
theze  days  worth,  at  least,  300  per  cent. 

That  boys  aint  ap  to  turn  out  well  who  dont  git  up 
till  10  o'clock  in  the  morning. 

That,  if  a  man  is  agoing  tu  make  a  bizness  ov 
sarving  the  Lord,  he  likes  tu  see  him  du  it  when  he 
measures  up  onions  as  well  as  when  he  hollers  glory 
l.ollcluyer  ! 

That  wisdum  aint  nothing  more  than  edikated 
cunning. 


LXXX. 

ON  LECTURES. 

Dec.  0,  18C4 
I  tako  my  pen  in  hand,  to  inform  you,  that  i  am  in 
the  Lekturing  bizzness.  I  have  jined  the  army  ov 
martyr?,  and  am  having  a  healthy  time.  I  lektured 
lastejiitc,  tew  a  flooded  house.  Had  a  revival,  cvry 
fu  minnits,  it  would  hav  did  yu  good,  tew  hear  the  peo- 
ple holler.  The  way  things  look  now,  i  think  i  shall 
be  able  tew  retire  from  private  life,  in  a  fu  months, 
and  keep  3  or  4  dogs,  and  a  fish  pond.  Yesterday,  i 
reseaved  a  dunnin  letter,  from  rai  fashionable  tailor, 
for  a  coat,  that  has  bin  wore  out,  more  than  2  years. 
I  replied  tew  the  limited  cuss,  briefly,  as  follers : 
"Dear  sur  —  Enklozed,  pleze  find  20  dollars  —  if 
yu  can.     Yures.  sum,  Josh  Billings. 

I  thought  i  would  try  a  tragik  lektur  at  fust,  but 
tragediz  are  gitting  so  common,  now  a  daze,  that  yu 
kan  git  them  done,  and  warrented,  for  25  dollars. 


220  JOSH   BILLINGS. 

Mi  Lektur  is  the  normal  comick,  Avitli  an  okasional 
eifort  tew  be  wittj. 

I  hope  you  are  Avell,  and  hav  a  good  appetiglit. 
Remember  me  kindly  tew  Reub  Fenton,  when  yu  sco 
him. —  I  also  reseaved  2  letters  bi  to  dacz  male, 
Avhich  i  will  let  yu  answer  for  me,  thru  yure  valuable 
collums. —  One  ov  them  is  from  an  individoal,  who 
sines  his  name  "  Hennery,"  and  tuther  is  from  a  per- 
son bi  the  name  ov  "  Mirakle.". 

Hennery  :  —  The  best  time  tew  sett  a  hen,  is  when 
the  hen  is  reddy.  I  kant  tell  you  what  the  best 
breed  is,  but  the  shano-hiorh  is  the  meanest.  It  hosts 
as  mutch  tew  board  one,  as  it  duz  a  stage  boss,  and 
yu  mite  as  well  undertake  tew  fat  a  fanning-mill,  by 
running  oats  thru  it.  Thare  aint  no  proffitt  in  keep- 
ing a  hen  for  his  eggs,  if  he  laze  less  than  one  a  day. 
Hens  are  very  long  lived,  if  they  dont  contrakt  the 
thrut  disseaze, —  thare  is  a  grate  menny  goes  tew  pot, 
evr}'  year,  bi  this  melankolly  disseaze.  I  kant  tell 
exactly  how  tew  pick  out  a  good  hen,  but  as-a  gen- 
ral  thing,  the  long-eared  ones,  are  kounted  the  best. 
The  one-legged  ones,  i  kno,  are  the  lest  ap  tew 
ekratch  up  the  garden.  Eggs  packed  in  equal  parts 
ov  salt,  and  lime  water,  with  the  other  end  down, 
■will  keep  from  30,  or  40,  years,  if  they  are  not  dis- 


ON    LECTURES.  221 

taibed.  Fresh  beef-stake  is  gootl  for  hens  ;  i  scrpoze 
4  or  5  pounds  a  day,  would  be  awl  a  hen  would  need, 
at  fust  along.  I  shall  be  happee  tew  advise  with  yu, 
at  cnny  time,  on  the  hen  question,  and  —  take  it  in 

M'u-akle  :  —  Yu  sa  "  yu  kant  understand  the  mir- 
akle  ov  the  whale,  that  swallered  Joner.  I  dont  ser- 
poze  that  Joner,  nor  the  whale,  ever  fully  understood 
it  themselfs.  I  luiv  thought  that  it  was  eazyer  for 
the  Avhale  tew  swallcr  Joner,  than  it  was  for  the  out- 
siders, tew  swaller  themirakel.  I  kant  tell  yu  what 
Joner  did  while  in  the  whale's  sosiety  ;  but  i  kno  what 
a  yankee  would  hav  did.  he  would  hav  rigged  a  rud- 
der on  the  animal,  and  run  liira  into  port,  and  either 
klaimed  the  ile  for  salvage,  or  sold  out  his  chanse 
tev/  a  petroleun  grease  company. 


LXXX. 

YANKEE  NOSHUNS. 

The  noshuu  that  skule  houzens  are  cheaper  thau 
Btait  prizens. 

The  noshun  that  men  are  a  better  krop  tew  raize 

than  ennj  thing  else. 

The  noshun  that  the  whole  wurld  is  the  markit 
for  a  man's  wits. 

The  noshun  that  a  people  who  hav  branes  enuff 
kant  be   governed  bi  enny  body  but  themselfs. 

The  noshun  that  if  yu  kant  make  a  man  think  az 
yu   dO;  try  and  make  him  do  az  yu  think. 

The  noshun  that  the  United  States  iz  liable  at 
any  time  tew  be  doubled,  but  aint  liable  at  enny 
time  tew  be  divided. 


YANKEE   NOSHUNS.  223 

The  noshun  that  Uncle  Sam  kan  thrash  hiz  own 
children  when  tha  need  it,  and  kan  thrash  the  hole 
wurld  besides. 

The  noshun  that  Yankees  are  a  fourordained  rase, 
and  kant  be  kept  from  spredding,  and  striking  in, 
ennj  more  than  turpentine  kan  when  it  once  gita 
luce. 


LXXXII. 

ATTENTION!  SQUAD! 

Men  kalkulate  -with  perfek  accurasj,  the  rate  ov 
speed  attained  bi  earthly  boddys,  and  ov  moste  mat- 
ter, whether  sublunary,  or  ov  a  heavenly  natur. 
They  tell  us  how  long  a  ra  ov  light  is  on  the  way 
from  the  sun  —  how  fass  a  comet  travels  —  the  best 
time  that  lightning  can  make  —  when  the  stars  visit, 
and  how  long  they  arc  about  it  —  the  fraktional 
lapse  kontaincd  in  the  hop  ov  a  flea  —  the  flite  ov  a 
swallow  —  the  velosity  ov  sound,  and  the  smartness 
ov  a  hurrycane.  They  kan  tell  us  how  long  it 
takes  old  Borus,  after  he  leaves  his  cave,  to  reach 
tiiis  earth,  and  button  up  the  coats  ov  shivring  mor- 
tals. But  i  hav  sarchcd  their  thcorys  and  ransacked 
their  mathcmaticks  in  vain,  tew  diskover  the  haste 
ov  a  Slander.  But  we  kno  ov  nothing;,  on  tlie  earth, 
or  above  it,  that  equals  it  in  quickness.  It  travels 
as  well  in  the  dark,  as  in  the  liizht  —  knows  no  law 


Josh  Billings  delivers  an  oxtemponmcous  political  lecture. 
Seepage  219. 


ATTENTION  !    SQUAD  !  225 

ov  gravitashun,  nor  ov  heat,  or  cold  —  is  not  tracea- 
ble, or  definable  —  has  no  parentage,  and  frequently 
no  objek  —  is  not  matter,  nor  an  essence  —  may  fly 
in  the  glance  ov  an  eye,  or  be  felt  in  the  point  ov  a 
finger  —  is  the  pet  ov  almost  evry  one  —  can  hav 
the  ear  when  charity,  love,  and  the  delikate  pashuns, 
plead  in  vain  —  is  every whare  in  an  instant  —  feeds 
upon  nothing  but  sweet  things,  has  more  friends  than 
truth,  is  a  lie,  faster  than  the  wings  ov  the  wind, 
and  twin  racer  to  thought  —  steals  into  the  sakred 
pulpit  —  at  midnite,  robs  the  chaste  maiden  ov  the 
ruddy  truth  in  her  cheeks  —  hangs  sackcloth  upon 
the  manly  form  ov  honesta  —  cums  in  a  whisper  — 
is  misterious  as  an  echo —  will  betray  for  a  prise  — 
has  mi^de  kings  tremble  —  has  dried  up  the  warm 
pulse  ov  hope,  and  driven  modesta  shreeking  away 
—  is  a  skorpion,  invisible,  but  full  ov  madness,  and 
menny  stings.  Who  kan  tell  its  whereabouts  ? 
Who  can  rate  its  speed  ?  Who  kan  annylize  its 
meanness  ?  Who  has  not  listened  tew  its  preshious 
falsehoods  ?  and  who  will  not,  with  me,  pronounse  it 
a  renegade,  the  common  enemy  ov  humanitee  ?  and 
who  that  kan  shoot  flieing,  will  not  help  tew  bring 
down  the  base  bird  ?  Attenshun,  squad  ! 
10* 


LXXXIII. 

THE  FUST  BABY. 

The  fust  baby  has  bekum  one  ov  the  fixed  stars 
ov  life ;  and  ever  since  the  fust  one  was  born,  on  the 
rong  side  of  the  gardin  ov  Eden,  down  tew  the  little 
stranger  ov  yesterday,  they  hav  never  failed  tew  be 
a  budget  ov  mutch  joy  —  an  event  ov  mutch  glad- 
ness. Tew  wake  up  some  cheerful  morning,  and  cee 
a  pair  ov  soft  eyes  looking  into  yours  —  to  wonder 
how  so  mutch  buty  could  have  been  entrusted  to 
you  —  to  sarch  out  the  father,  or  the  mother,  in  the 
sweet  little  fase,  and  then  loze  the  survey,  in  an  in- 
stant of  buty,  as  a  laffing  Angel  lays  before  you — tew 
pla  with  the  golden  hare,  and  sow  fond  kisses  upon 
this  little  bird  in  yure  nest  —  tiz  this  that  makes  the 
fust  baby,  the  joy  ov  awl  joys  —  a  feast  ov  the  harte. 
Tew  find  the  pale  Mother  again  bi  yure  side,  more 
luvly  than  when  she  was  Avooed  —  tew  see  a  new  ten- 
derness in  her  eye,  and  tew  hear  the  cliastened  sweet- 


THE   FUST   BABY.  227 

ness  ov  her  laff,  as  she  tells  something  new  about 
'  Willie" — tew  luv  her  far  more  than  ever,  and  tew 
find  oftimes  a  prayer  on  jure  lips  —  tiz  this  that 
makes  the  fust  baby  a  fountain  ov  sparkling  plezzure. 
Tew  watch  the  bud  on  yure  rosebush,  tew  ketch  the 
fust  notes  ov  yure  song-bird,  tew  hear  the  warm 
praze  ov  kind  frends,  and  tew  giv  up  yure  hours  tew 
the  trezzure  —  tiz  this  that  makes  the  fust  baby  a 
gift  that  Angels  hav  brought  yu.  Tew  look  upon 
the  trak  that  life  takes  —  tew  see  the  sunshine  and 
shower  —  tew  plead  for  the  best,  and  shrink  from 
the  wust  —  tew  shudder  when  sikness  steals  on,  and 
tew  be  chastened  when  death  comes  —  tiz  this  —  oh  ! 
tiz  this  that  makes  the  fust  baby  a  hope  upon  arth, 
and  a  gem  up  in  heaven. 


LXXXIV. 

•LAUGHING. 

Laughing  is  strikly  an  amuzement,  altho  some 
folks  make  a  bizzness  ov  it.  It  haz  bin  con- 
sidered an  index  ov  karakter,  and  thare  iz  sum,  so 
close  at  reasoning,  that  thej  saj,  they  kan  tell 
what  a  man  had  for  dinner,  by  seeing  him  laff.  I 
never  saw  two  laif  alike.  While  thare  are  some, 
who  dont  make  enny  noise,  thare  are  sum,  who  dont 
make  ennything  but  noise ;  and  sum  agin,  who 
hav  musik  in  their  laff,  and  others,  who  laff  just  az 
a  rat  duz,  who  haz  caught  a  steel  trap,  with  his  tale. 
Thare  is  no  mistake  in  the  assershun,  that  it  is  a 
cumfert  tew  hear  sum  laffs,  that  cum  rompin  out  ov 
a  man's  mouth,  just  like  a  distrik  school  ov  yung 
girls,  let  out  tew  play.  Then  agin  thare  iz  sum 
laffs,  that  are  az  kold  and  meaningless  az  a  yester- 
day's bukwheat  pancake,  —  that  cum  out  ov  the 
mouth    twisted,    and   gritty,    az   a   2    inch   auger, 


LAUGHING.  229 

drawed  out  ov  a  hemlok  board.  One  ov  these  kind 
ov  laifs  baz  no  more  cumfert  in  it  tban  tbe  —  stum- 
muk  ake  baz,  and  makes  yu  feel,  wben  yu  bear  it, 
az  tbough  yu  waz  being  sbaved  bi  a  dull  razor, 
vritbout  tbe  benefit  ov  soap,  or  klergy.  Men  who 
never  laflf  may  bave  good  bearts,  but  tbey  are  deep 
seated,  —  like  sum  springs,  tbey  bav  tbeir  inlet  and 
outlet  from  below,  and  sbow  no  sparkling  bubble  on 
tbe  brim.  I  don't  like  a  gigler,  tins  kind  ov  lafF 
iz  like  tbe  dandylion,  a  feeble  yeller,  and  not  a  bit 
ov  good  smell  about  it.  It  iz  true  tbat  enny  kind 
ov  a  laff  iz  better  than  none,  —  but  giv  me  the  laff 
that  looks  out  ov  a  man's  eyes  fust,  to  see  if  the 
coast  is  clear,  then  steals  down  into  the  dimple  ov 
bis  cheek,  and  rides  in  an  eddy  thare  awhile,  then 
waltzes  a  spell,  at  tbe  korners  ov  bis  mouth,  like  a 
thing  ov  life,  then  busts  its  bonds  ov  buty,  and  fills 
tbe  air  for  a  moment  with  a  shower  ov  silvery 
tongued  sparks,  —  then  steals  bak,  with  a  smile,  to 
its  lair,  in  the  harte,  tew  watch  agin  for  its  prey,  — 
this  it  is  tbe  kind  ov  lafF  that  i  luv,  and  aint  afrado 
ov 


LXXXV. 

PIONEERS 

God  bless  the  pironeers  —  the  -whole  ov  them  — 
inkluding  the  man  who  fust  rode  a  mule.  ITiz 
name  "waz  Stickfasst,  he  will  be  remembered  az  long 
az  black  wax  will  be,  hiz  posterity  have  aul  bin 
good  stickers,  sum  ov  the  best  clothes-pins  the  world 
ever  saw^  cam  from  this  familee I  remem- 
ber olde  Buffaloo.  He  waz  a  sunsett  pironeer  ;  he 
Btarted  tew  discover,  "out  west,"  40  years  ago,  hiz 
property  was  a  wife,  with  the  side  ake,  2  galls,  just 
busting  thru  their  clothes  into  womanhood,  2  boys, 
who  kould  kill  a  skunk  at  3  paces,  and  dodge  the 
smell,  a  one-hoss  wagging,  a  rifle,  and  a  brass- 
kittle,  he  squat  at  Rock  River,  in  the  Illinoise,  for 
6  months,  and  then  moved  on  more  westly.  the  last 
that  ware  seen  ov  him,  was  the  hind-board  ov  hiz 
wagging,  just  doubling  the  top  ov  the  rocky  moun- 
tains  And  thare  waz  Beltrigging,  who  fust 


JOSH    BILLINGS.  231 

diskovered  the  tempranse  question,  he  had  bin  a 
suclccessful  rumnrinker,  and  seller  for  36  years,  and 
had  retired  Avith  a  pile,  he  diskovered  kold  water 
one  day,  on  the  back  side  ov  hiz  farm,  digging  out 
foxes ;  he  lektured  nex  day,  in  a  7-day  babtiss 
church,  and  told  his  xperiense  ;  he  made  13  hun- 
dred dollars  lekturing,  and  died  9  years  afterwards, 
in  grate  agony,  having  drank  4  drops  ov  french 
brandee.  on  a  lump  ov  brown  sugar  bi  mistake.  He 
begot  Springwater,  and  Springwater  begot  Rain- 
water, and  Rainwater  begot  Dewdrow,  and  Dew- 
drop  begot  Morning-Mist,  awl  ov  them   selebrated 

tempranse  lekturers And  there  waz  Solomon 

Saw-dust,  the  author  ov  bran-bred,  and  nailrod- 
soup :  he  waz  a  champion  ov  lite  weights ;  he  fit 
the  dispepshee  in  aul  its  forms ;  he  lived  for  18 
months,  at  one  heat,  on  the  smell  ov  a  red  herring, 
and  gained  9  pounds  in  wind.  He  had  menny  ad- 
mirers and   immitaturs    the   mcste   grate   ov   which 

was  Wet  Pack  and  Water  Kure And  tliere 

waz  Mehitable  Saffron,  the  virgin-hero  ov  wimmins' 
rights  ;  i  herd  her  fust  orashun,  in  the  town  hall  ; 
she  spoke  without  notes,  at  arms'  length.  She  ced, 
"  woman  had  a  destiny  that  man  kouldn't  fill  for 
her.  and  az  for  her,  she  could  go  it  alone,  she  didn't 


**  There  is  a  kind  of  physiognomy  in  the  titles 
of  books  no  less  than  in  the  faces  of 
men,  by  which  a  skilful  observer 
will  know  as  well  what  to  ex- 
pect from  the  one  as  the 

Cth€r" BUTLKR. 


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BOORS  PUBLISHED  BY  G.  W.  CAHLETON. 


Miscellaneous    Vorks. 

THE  HOITETMOON. — A  humorous  story,  with  illustrations 
WOMEN  AND  THKATRES. — A  new  boolc,  by  Olive  Logan 
WARWICK. — A  new  novel  by  Mansfield  Tracy  Walworth, 
BiBYL  HUNTINGTON. — A  novcl  by  Mrs.  J.  C.  R.  Dorr. 
LIVING  WRITERS  OF  THE  SOUTH. — rBy  Prof.  Davidson 
BTEA.NGE  VISITORS. — A  book  from  the  Spirit  World. 
CP  BROADWAY,  and  its  Sequel. — A  story  by  Eleanor  Kirk 
MILITARY  RECORD,  of  Appointments  in  the  U.S.  Army 
HONOR  BRIGHT. — A  new  American  novel. 
MALBRooK. —  do.  do.  do. 

GUILTY  OR  NOT  GUILTY. dO.  do. 

ROBERT  GREATiiouSE. — A  new  novcl  by  John  F.  Swift 
THE  GOLDEN  CROSS,  and  poems  by  Irving  Van  Wart,  jr. 
ATHALiAH. — A  ncw  novel  by  Joseph  H.  Greene,  jr, 
EEGiNA,  and  other  poems. —  By  Eliza  Cruger. 

THE  WICKEDEST  WOMAN  IN  NEW   YORK. By  C.   H.  Webb 

MONTALBAN. — A  new  American  novel. 
MADEMOISELLE  MERQUEM. — A  uovel  by  George  Sand 
TEE  IMPENDING  CRISIS  OF  THE  SOUTH. — By  H.  R.  Helper, 
KOJOQUE — A  Question  for  a  Continent. —         do 
PARIS  IN  1867. — By  Henry  Morford.     . 
THE  bishop's  son. — A  Hovel  by  Alice  Gary. 

CRUISE  OF  THE  ALABAMA  AND  SUMTER. ByCapt.  SemmCS 

HELEN  couRTENAY. — A  HOvel,  autlior  '  Vcmon  Grove.' 
SOUVENIRS  OF  TRAVEL. — By  Madame  OctaviaW.  LeVert 
.VANQUISHED. — A  novel  by  Agnes  Leonard. 
will-o'-the-wisp. — A  child's  book,  from  the  German 
,rouR  OAKS. — A  novel  by  Kamba  Thorpe. 
THE  CHRISTMAS  FONT. — A  child's  book,  by  M.  J.  Holmes 

POEMS,  BY  SARAH  T.  BOLTON. 

MARY  BRANDEGEE — A  novcl  by  Cuylcr  Pine. 

RENSHAWE. do.  .  do. 

MOUNT  CALVARY. — By  Matthew  Hale  Smith, 

PROMETHEUS    IN  ATLANTIS. A  propheCy. 

TITAN  AGONisTES. — An  American  novel. 

THE  MONTANAS. — A  HOvel  by  Sallie  J.  Hancock. 

PASTIMES  WITH  LITTLE  FRIENDS. — Martha  Haincs 

TREATISE  ON  DEAFNESS.— By  Dr.'  E.  B.  Lightliill.    . 

CHINA  AND  THE  CHINESE. — ByW.  L.  G.  Smith. 

THE  RUSSIAN  BALL. — An  Illustrated  Satirical  Poem. 

THE  SNOBLACE  BALL. dO.  dO. 

AN  ANSWER  TO  HUGH  MILLER. — By  Thomas  A.  Davies 

COSMOGONY. — By  Thomas  A.  Davies.    . 

HURAL  ARCH-TECTURE. — By  M.  Field.     Illustrated. 


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